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I Thought My Love Would Be Enough

I have been dating an unmedicated bipolar man for a year now.  I did not know he had bipolar disorder until four months into the relationship.  I noticed he had a very short temper.  He started to seem more self absorbed.  And whenever I said some thing that didn't agree with his opinion, he lashed at me verbally.  Soon the outburst were followed by breaking anything he could get his hands on.

The first time I saw this extreme rage - I ran.  I was packing my bags so fast. It was like being in a scary movie.  I stopped midway and my empathy kicked in.  I saw that he had cut his hand.  Blood was coming out and he looked so sad.  I helped him bandage it up.

12 months later...the only thing that has changed is that the episodes are less but still violent and mentally draining.

I've been so kind to him.  I bend over backwards on a daily basis.  Yet, he seems to only respond to whatever mood is coursing through his body. 

He goes from charming, to tired, to full of energy and I have to make like a brick wall  as not to interrupt the cycle.  I can't show any emotion that doesn't fit his mood or I get cursed out and accused of wanting to make him angry.

I know its not his fault that he is ill.  However, it is his fault that he is not on meds.  He knows some thing is wrong because it runs in the family.

I want to leave but so many other circumstances make it hard. 

I use to love him.  Now I just loathe him. Its sounds mean but he could help our relationship by getting help. 

He won't though because it makes him 'look' crazy.

How ironic is that.   (sigh)

Dear God I hope I find a way out soon.

UPDATE:

We are no longer dating. We are now just roommates till I can afford to move out. Living with me has changed him in so many ways.  He's learned patience. He's learned to slow the anger monster. But most importantly he's owned up to his illness. He doesn't 'call' it bipolar but he knows that he has to work on his ways.

He still has blows up but it doesn't affect me as much anymore because we are not dating.  When he gets angry, I know to just walk away.  I don't bother trying to engage him logical conversation or anything. And so far, it works.  He weighs sitting around by himself or having company.  He picks company and simmers down.

Will he ever be completely cured. Nah..but there will be less holes in the wall.

Eventually I'll move out and he'll have to survive without me.  But that'll be in baby steps. I won't leave him high and dry.  I thank you all for sharing your stories/opinions.  And want to wish you all the best in figuring out what to do in your own situations. Or if you have already made decisions, I pray for the courage and strength to make them work.

cantalk4hrs cantalk4hrs 31-35 15 Responses Mar 4, 2009

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RUN! Don't walk run!

I live with someone so like me and so different from me. I too have been diagnosed as bipolar, and it took about a decade to accept that I was truly fundamentally mad. But, mine is different - depression is my hobgoblin and the four manias I have had have been four times in my life that I have totally upheaved and destroyed everything for a fantasy... My spouse does this mania on a daily hourly basis and the depression in large dehabilitating bursts... and it truly helps me to see what I must be like when I'm mad and how horrific it must have been on my loved ones... i am very high-functioning for our kind and have been lucky... but even I cry out "if there is a medication that can make you stop being so constantly ramped up and pumped down in such astonishing dizzying manners, then thank you very much - where do i sign/pay?"

notify meof comments please

my husband and most of his famliy have bipolar .<br />
he was screaming at me tonight because i gave my daughter his candy. i usually just let it slide but this got me pissed. <br />
so i yelled back. just last week he said he wanted to lose weight now he wants candy. it was just a way to get me going. he enjoys upsetting me. he used to do it in public all the time . but now i yell back at him in public and he settles down then .<br />
i have been living with ths nightmare my whole marrage.<br />
he won't go to the dr. for meds . he says i am crazy . there is nothing wrong with him and i am a *****. he likes to call me a *****.<br />
needless to say unless i have a drink before i go to bed there will be no sleep for me tonight and he will give me the cold shoulder for about a week .<br />
all over some candy.

well

Love really isn't enough. I have been living with an unmedicated bi polar man for four years now. It is absolute hell. I used to wonder what I was doing wrong, as he would always blame me for every outburst as if i had done something so wrong to cause this rage in him. I am always so confused, looking at myself wondering what it is I can do to change, all the while it has nothing to do with me. Nobody can understand the unstable life that goes with living with someone like this. You dont want to give up on them but you're sacraficing your own happiness everyday you put yourself through this mental torture. I as well dont know what to do, leave or stay? and will medication even give me the 180 in change that i need to stay and be happy. I have not a clue.

leave!!!! He sounds just like my wife and he will destroy you life you can read some of my posts to see what she has put me through. Love is not enough and it will never be enough

What about me? What shall I do? I have 2 little children with my bipolar husband! I love him but right now im afraid of him! 3 weeks ago he beat me up in front of my 2 little kids. He was drunk. I dont know if i ll have the streinght to leave him, Im afraid of his reaction! Im afraid of the future! Will I be able to raise my kids alone? The truth is I would surely find my peace. What shall I do?

girl I FEEL YOU this guy cant make up his mind my ex we have a kid together is bipolar one day he loves me and the next wants to be my friend.... he lashes out on me and call me names and makes me feel beneath him then other times he makes me feel great...im walking

First of all if you don't love him don't be with him. <br />
I am dating someone who is Bi Polar. He had a huge temper and would punch holes in the walls. One min he was the person i loved the next the devil himself. He hated who he was and what he was doing to the people around him. He tried solving his issues with alcohol and weed. That of course just caused more issues. He then went to the doctor and got on some REAL meds. One damaged his liver, another made him so depressed he almost killed himself a the other made him almost psycho and the last one made him so drugged up it was as if all the life was sucked out of him. Shrinks and psychologist didn't seem to help either. So we finally decided to get off the meds and try herbs and teas. He got into a support group and does mediation. He turned himself into someone different. i can actually have a convo without it turning into an argument. I'm not saying he is completely healed. He still has his episodes. But they aren't as frequent or as violent or depressed. Now it's almost a little fit he is throwing. Not every pill and drug works on the same person. <br />
And if you really don't love him don't be with him. you shouldn't punish yourself.

Get Out! I just went through an assault from my unmedicated bipolar mother who is the same as your bf...we can only live this way for a small time mine was (4) years until I then turned intot the enemy..she left me with a broken ankle, torn ligament in the left arm, chronic weeping eye not to boot all of the emotional pain of this all...my story is long about this and she did this all while I was driving...you will evenutally become the enemy they so paranoidly constantly obsess over..

Hi all<br />
<br />
Thank you for you comments. As a whole, they are all relevant. <br />
<br />
To a point, yes, he is aware of how it gets. He even told me he likes the high from the mood swings. If on medication like his brother, he would just be lifeless. <br />
<br />
He doesn't hit me. Though lately he's been coming closer and closer to me when he rages. In his last espisode I threatened to call 911 if he touched me. So, he started to beat everything around me.<br />
<br />
I just can't win. I've explain to him that I'm on his side do many times to no avail. Its like he forgets our conversations of 'understanding' we have after his outbursts. He says such terrible things to me and has the nerve to have no recollection of any of it.<br />
<br />
It comes down to either he seeks treatment or I move on.<br />
<br />
Because I know that I cannot live this way. <br />
<br />
I lied to my doctor today when she asked if I was depressed. I said 'no'. If I had said yes, I might have broke down in tears. It was like holding back a bridge of emotions. Oh, man, I just wanted to crawl in her lap and ask her to make the bad man go away.<br />
<br />
I know there are worse things in life. And maybe some of them I could handle.<br />
<br />
I can't handle this.

Hi,<br />
Feeing exhausted. Take a moment out and feel easy, forgetting everything. I know the fear of another episode and life between two episodes. It is very strange, difficult and at times completely lost with no idea what to do. <br />
<br />
Vigilant all the time for nothing should go wrong, yet something happens spoils their mood and suddenly one is at receiving end for no mistake at all. Only thing is don't forget yourself. Try and keep self within you alive and active. Share it, vent it out or whatever possible to remove the fear out of the system. I tried to hide it from everybody including myself and paying high cost of it. I lost my self esteem, confidence and this is showing up in every sphere of my life. It's becoming difficult to communicate my feeling or express my view anywhere. <br />
<br />
Keeping feelings to yourself only makes it more difficult. <br />
Lately I explained my colleagues that bruise is cos of fist fight at gas station or some street only because I don't want to tell she hits me. Feels ****. Don't withheld anything share it and get rid of the restlessness.

I will say right off of the bat that in my opinion, Bi-Polar is not a medical condition. I know people will slam me, and that is fine. mental health became a cottage industry in the 90's that started in the 80's. <br />
If someone is moody, and they say they can't help it...and he doesn't seem like he is trying...and he won't get meds...leave. He is using you because no one else will tolerate him and his bull. That is no way to live. I have problems myself, and everyone has rough patches, but in my opinion (again, worthless) just treating people ****** due to self absorption is not an illness, it is a character defect.<br />
I wish you all of the best

i know exactly how you feel. i didnt know that my husband was like this until we married and then i guess he let his true self out or maybe i just never had to see it because in the beginning you know in that loveydovey phase you just naturally agree on everything anyways. i do love him though and i know how you feel. its so freaking draining and so painful to have to always walk on egg shells, to have to always hear something being your fault, and yet know that you cant hold him accountable because he just wont get it. I dont know what to tell you besides really just try to figure out if this is something you can deal with forever because its not going to change. If you need a friend i am here.