I Thought My Love Would Be Enough
I have been dating an unmedicated bipolar man for a year now. I did not know he had bipolar disorder until four months into the relationship. I noticed he had a very short temper. He started to seem more self absorbed. And whenever I said some thing that didn't agree with his opinion, he lashed at me verbally. Soon the outburst were followed by breaking anything he could get his hands on.
The first time I saw this extreme rage - I ran. I was packing my bags so fast. It was like being in a scary movie. I stopped midway and my empathy kicked in. I saw that he had cut his hand. Blood was coming out and he looked so sad. I helped him bandage it up.
12 months later...the only thing that has changed is that the episodes are less but still violent and mentally draining.
I've been so kind to him. I bend over backwards on a daily basis. Yet, he seems to only respond to whatever mood is coursing through his body.
He goes from charming, to tired, to full of energy and I have to make like a brick wall as not to interrupt the cycle. I can't show any emotion that doesn't fit his mood or I get cursed out and accused of wanting to make him angry.
I know its not his fault that he is ill. However, it is his fault that he is not on meds. He knows some thing is wrong because it runs in the family.
I want to leave but so many other circumstances make it hard.
I use to love him. Now I just loathe him. Its sounds mean but he could help our relationship by getting help.
He won't though because it makes him 'look' crazy.
How ironic is that. (sigh)
Dear God I hope I find a way out soon.
We are no longer dating. We are now just roommates till I can afford to move out. Living with me has changed him in so many ways. He's learned patience. He's learned to slow the anger monster. But most importantly he's owned up to his illness. He doesn't 'call' it bipolar but he knows that he has to work on his ways.
He still has blows up but it doesn't affect me as much anymore because we are not dating. When he gets angry, I know to just walk away. I don't bother trying to engage him logical conversation or anything. And so far, it works. He weighs sitting around by himself or having company. He picks company and simmers down.
Will he ever be completely cured. Nah..but there will be less holes in the wall.
Eventually I'll move out and he'll have to survive without me. But that'll be in baby steps. I won't leave him high and dry. I thank you all for sharing your stories/opinions. And want to wish you all the best in figuring out what to do in your own situations. Or if you have already made decisions, I pray for the courage and strength to make them work.