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On and Off, In and Out For 18 Years

"I don't want to be a husband or dad anymore." The words haunt me, because I know after the manic cycle, it will be the same old thing again. Out the door he goes with some grandiose idea of being a surfer, a cowboy, and this time...a biker.

Instead, he had no choice to move in with some woman from the bar and her son, because he had not other place to go. He was broke, because he'd quit working, since he got the idea that he would build "custom choppers." He had already collected the magazines, the clothes, and the ingenious ideas for his newest escapade.

Yet, when he's "normal," he's the best husband and dad I could ever ask for. Thus, my being tortured with this cycle for 18 years. And, our children being tortured as well.

This is the worst it's ever been. He seems to be cycling from manic to depressed to another manic, every two weeks or so. I finally couldn't handle catching him in his lies anymore, and asked him to leave. "Make a choice. Your family or this other woman. Are you a biker or a family man? Follow through...you always say you want a divorce when you're like this. Well, then GET ONE!"

Follow through is key. It doesn't exist in his life, unless he's ruining something.

I'm frustrated. One, because I have a love/hate thing for this man. And, two, he is thoroughly incapable of living alone. He is only a functioning man for, what used to be 9 months of the year, now it's only 3 or 4 months at most.

This time, I am taking a stand and demanding he get help before he comes back home. But, he's always refused help before, because he blames others for his failures in life.

I'm not accepting the blame this time. Do I let him hit bottom? It's coming very quickly, because he can't handle living alone, and he's just about exhausted every resource for a living situation, while he pursues his ideas.

The thing that makes me the most angry is, my friends and family seem to believe that I'm the one who is 'crazy.' Does anyone else live with that? Does anyone else live with a spouse who disappears for a couple of months, totally changes their appearance, and then suddenly wakes up ONE DAY, and decides they want to go back to who they were before? The husband and dad...

 

priehl priehl 36-40, F 15 Responses Mar 15, 2009

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yes! for the longest i thought i was the one crazy...but after our counselor wanted to get him evaluated for more serious issues...he jumped scared and didnt go back to counseling...and when he self sabotages, thats when the affairs start. not to my suprise i found he was talking to another woman...when my husband is being "normal" he is the best and when he isnt...its like i dont even know this person. ..we've been off and on for about a year now and i cant take it no more...im falling out of love with him very fast and after six years of marriage i cant do this no more...he's verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive...and just recently physically :'-( i feel like nothing when im with him...everything is always about him and no one else....so he can have his pathetic little life...by himself...and leave me and my son alone...my son doesnt deserve his daddy coming in and out our lives....i wish he would just leave us alone.

I too have an unmedicated spouse an it is so very hard to live with, there are days i endup thinking is it me or him cuz they can be very manipulating an try to make there wrong behavior is ur falt. it makes me crazy. i have been with my boyfriend for 13years an i don't know how much more I'm going to last my head an helth isn't the best i have ms at a wonderful yong age of 30 and all the stess is making it worse. I'm thinking that it may be my time to live for me and not for my boyfriend and his unwillingness to getting help for his illnesses for i can not digest the fact that my daughter may be bp as well as it runs very srong in his family an she is showing many signs. makes me very sad to know i can not make take meds but i as a mom have a job to do and it is my daughter,my focus needs to be w her and with my helth so she dose not face this stugle on her own as myotherhalf had to do as a child.

The thing that makes me the most angry is, my friends and family seem to believe that I'm the one who is 'crazy.' Does anyone else live with that?<br />
YES! I told my sister-in-law and mother-in-law that my husband needed psychiatric help. They don't believe in mental illness. They blamed me. I was putting pressure on him and making him crazy due to my non-trusting ways. I should stand by his side and coddle his b**** while he stays out and breaks the bonds of marriage. I guess they conveniently forgot that I have been with him for 17 years and helping him through everything.<br />
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Do I let him hit bottom?<br />
Yes, you should or so I've been told. That's what I am trying to do now however, I think my husband knows he is at a low and continues his mess of a life. The tr*** he is currently with keeps fronting his expenses, but I don't think it will last.<br />
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Please stay strong. I wish you all the best.

I have Ultradian Mixed Cycling Bipolar... your talking about how he cycles from one to another to another and its never ending... the problems is that he's been untreated for so long his cycles are now speeding up... I have two to three complete cycles a day or every two days... Its hard but speaking with experience, he needs love, unconditional love... Yeah he can seek treatment but most bi polars aren't consistent... All i have to say is go along with the roller coaster if you love him and can handle him... If not you should leave because staying with him angry or mad he'll pick up on that and use it as energy for his cycles...

Unicorn59,<br />
THANKS!

things in most of experiences are common. hard to get them on medication, making them continue is tougher. medication has its own side effects, doc terms like bipolar, borderline persona, Narcissistic somewhere overlap. <br />
Verbal abuse and blame, physical abuse and more blame, episodes of apology when i never asked for one. episodes of wild anger, not being angry and abusive termed as favour. when she is normal i try to tell that though i dont tell i feel hurt .. answer is you are too sensitive. you know how i am, why feel. during normal days i am happiest person then something somewhere goes wrong ..like bathroom shower not working .. all goes for toss.. frankly i feel stressed all the time, not been myself for a while now. i fear almost everything, thinking several times before even a causual comment.. i am fed up of this can anybody help me understand how to deal this and be stress free. i m confused, sometimes i think i m the one who has some problem and her anger is justified. dont know feel worthless these days. i even feel ashamed to tell my family that my wife hits me when in anger. i too feel like unicorn59 its more like Husband/Daughter relation for me .. not like Husband/wife.. even i normal days i actually dont feel like making love to her.. cos of that sometimes mostly waiting for another episode do help me .. i am really exhausted.

My husband was actually diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, but I've known him for longer than any doctor, and it's not just anxiety. My mother-in-law says he's been like this since he was small. For the first two years I knew him as a friend, he was the typical teen bad boy...living on the edge, partying, and a run-away. I thought it was GREAT!<br />
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We got together after 2 years of being friends. The next 13 years followed the same cycle. Once per year, he'd go into this fantasy mode, sometimes but rarely twice per year. It lasted 8 weeks, like clockwork.<br />
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Finally, 5 years ago, he was put on anxiety meds, and it was the first time he stuck around for a full 4 years. It was wonderful!!! But, this past year the meds seemed to have quit working so well, he got big ideas and he was off an running again, for 8 weeks. He'd never go to the doctor again. This past year, he seems to cycle from normal to manic every 2 months now. And, in January, he went of meds completely, and now seems to be cycling every two weeks.<br />
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I've never thought about personality disorder. I need to look at that. <br />
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My husband isn't violent to anyone but himself, when he's frustrated and punches something like a tree or wall. He's more the fantasy role playing type. He gets larger than life ideas and begins to fulfill them.<br />
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I don't think I could tolerate the outbursts that your husband has. I'd fight back and probably get myself into trouble. Other than that, they do sound eerily familiar.<br />
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Thanks for your input.

A lot of this sounds eerily familiar, except that my husband is pretty much able to function. But his anger has threatened his job at least once -- through angry outbursts - - and I don't feel secure with his offer to "support me financially" (he's cheap too, and resents any support he's given me). The real thing is that he NEEDS me to NEED HIM, but when I do it's temper tantrums OUT OF THE BLUE -- and insults, and constant reminders of how he's been victimized in life. If I hear the story about how his parents denied him birthday parties after the age of 5 one more time I think I'll . . . <br />
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I'm usually can calm people, but when he's raging, I just duck for cover. He's scary angry. When I've told him that, he dismisses it saying "I'd never touch you physically." What he doesn't understand is that I think his words and raging anger hurt more than a slap would. <br />
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I've tried casually talking about assertiveness -- using "I" statements to describe his feelings. But its been a wasted effort because of his arrogance<br />
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Do you all think that this may be borderline personality, and not bipolar? To make matters more complicated, he worked in a mental hospital as a psychiatric nurse for 10 years, so NO one knows more about this than him, and there is NO talking about this with him. <br />
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By Priehl, just remember that your kids are top priority, and your mental and physical safety second. Please take care. I feel so much for you. When my husband is good and charming, he's wonderful. It's love / hate.

I live together with my bipolar boyfriend for 7 years. I did not realize really because he was medicated ( I knew it, but just did not care...)<BR>He stopped medication, and after stopping it, he was still ok for 2 years. But know he is in deep depression, for the second time this year. <BR>After reading your story I know one thing, I'm happy about: My boyfriend seems still to be much more normal than your husband, sorry but that's good to know. He has no other women, he does not go away, and try new jobs. <BR>He only was in depression for 3 weeks, his job was big ****. then he went to work again, his job was the gratest thing he ever had. 4 weeks later he is back in depression and he cancelled his job and wants to die....

Nightcolours...your privacy setting won't let me send you a message.

I am married to a man with bipolar, and borderline personality disorder....<BR><BR>I could have written what you wrote....One thing I'd caution you on, is taking his responsibilities...I used to do it, and I can tell by your comments, you are doing that, too...<BR><BR>My husband is non-compliant with taking his meds (very common among bipolar patients)....but, let me tell you....even with medication, you can expect some problems....it doesn't take it all away....although it can help a lot....He's been diagnosed since 2003....I am divorcing him June 30th....<BR><BR>He's lied, cheated, driven to another state to meet a woman he was talking to online....He'd hop a plane from the midwest, where we live, to New England, where his mother lives....stay till he wanted to come back....calling me everyday...yet not coming home....He's abused me, verbally, emotionally, physically....you name it....Told me he was dumping me....just to come crawling back 2 weeks later.....and I felt sorry for him....but, pity is not a good foundation for a marriage....It turned out being more like a wife/child relationship, instead of wife/husband....<BR><BR>After one incidence of abuse, I thought maybe was caused by his bipolar... I started counseling that was offered through the DA's office...and I learned that mental illness doesn't cause abuse....it can worsen it, if the person is abusive by nature...but it does not cause it.....that made me see things much clearer.<BR><BR>My husband has acted so bizarre...It would probably floor you.....Your family thinking you are the crazy one, surprises me, though....that's more common with personality disorders....Are you sure you are not dealing with a personality disorder, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as well, with your husband....Many times, someone doesn't get diagnosed of the personality disorder, when they have bipolar symptoms that are more prominant, until they are being treated...I ask this, because it's very common to have many kinds of mental illnesses coexisting together.....My husband was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 2 years after he was diagnosed with bipolar....<BR><BR>If you ever want to talk...feel free to message me...I'll share my email with you....You definitely need support....I know I have needed it....and have gotten it....You should consider counseling for yourself, because his actions and illness do affect you....it can't help but affect you....<BR><BR>Just remember....HE is responsible for himself....HE is responsible to get on medication....HE has to own his illness and be proactive...You cannot fix this for him....and I think you have to set boundaries....if you want to stay in this relationship....example: No more disappearing on me, or I'm done....No more drinking to self-medicate, or I'm out of here....Get help, or we are going to be through....<BR><BR>I know this sounds harsh...but, he needs to realize that he can't keep walking in and out of your life, anytime he becomes manic....it's not fair to you, or your relationship....Your feelings count, too...not just his. You can't lose yourself in this mess....God Bless you.

Thankyou! I'd love some insider advice, and to learn what type of episodes you have.

My father and I are both bipolar, and even though it is hard to deal with sometimes, it takes tough love (on occasion) to control us. I went unmedicated for years until I got called into a mental hospital for being "stark raving mad" and got put on lithium. It has helped a lot, and even though I hate having the label of "being on drugs," it's helped. He just needs to know that you still love him, and all you want to do is help. Try talking to him about what options you have open when he's "normal"-- even though this may put him into having an "episode," it's worth a shot. <br />
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If you have any questions about advice or anything, I'm free to talk :) just message me or something-- I'm pretty open about my disorder, and what you can do that might help your husband.

It's a roller coaster life to live. I've told people that I feel like the stake in the yard, and attached to me is a dog who's always at the end of his chain, jumping and ******* around. But, he never pulls hard enough to break the chain. It's enough just to make me feel out of balance and off kilter!<br />
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I do understand how tough it is. They are perfect or they're awful. As far as the alcohol, we have that issue as well...but, only when he's manic and full of himself.<br />
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If they can fall off the wagon, why can't they choose which side of the fence to fall on?

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