On and Off, In and Out For 18 Years
"I don't want to be a husband or dad anymore." The words haunt me, because I know after the manic cycle, it will be the same old thing again. Out the door he goes with some grandiose idea of being a surfer, a cowboy, and this time...a biker.
Instead, he had no choice to move in with some woman from the bar and her son, because he had not other place to go. He was broke, because he'd quit working, since he got the idea that he would build "custom choppers." He had already collected the magazines, the clothes, and the ingenious ideas for his newest escapade.
Yet, when he's "normal," he's the best husband and dad I could ever ask for. Thus, my being tortured with this cycle for 18 years. And, our children being tortured as well.
This is the worst it's ever been. He seems to be cycling from manic to depressed to another manic, every two weeks or so. I finally couldn't handle catching him in his lies anymore, and asked him to leave. "Make a choice. Your family or this other woman. Are you a biker or a family man? Follow through...you always say you want a divorce when you're like this. Well, then GET ONE!"
Follow through is key. It doesn't exist in his life, unless he's ruining something.
I'm frustrated. One, because I have a love/hate thing for this man. And, two, he is thoroughly incapable of living alone. He is only a functioning man for, what used to be 9 months of the year, now it's only 3 or 4 months at most.
This time, I am taking a stand and demanding he get help before he comes back home. But, he's always refused help before, because he blames others for his failures in life.
I'm not accepting the blame this time. Do I let him hit bottom? It's coming very quickly, because he can't handle living alone, and he's just about exhausted every resource for a living situation, while he pursues his ideas.
The thing that makes me the most angry is, my friends and family seem to believe that I'm the one who is 'crazy.' Does anyone else live with that? Does anyone else live with a spouse who disappears for a couple of months, totally changes their appearance, and then suddenly wakes up ONE DAY, and decides they want to go back to who they were before? The husband and dad...