Bipolar Ex-girlfriend

I'm a twenty-eight year old male who recently broke up with my thirty-eight year old girlfriend. I met her at work. We had been dating for about four months off and on. Our relationship was pretty rocky from the start. I treated her like a queen. I bought her flowers for no reason. I tried to participate in the activities she enjoyed. Her mother adored me. She had been in mostly abusive relationships. Her sometimes being the abuser by becoming violent. Everyone who knew her seemed pretty happy that she was finally seeing such a nice guy. Still she would become cold and distant at regular intervals. The closer I would get to her the further she would push me away. She would say cruel things to me (like we would never live together or that she would like to be with someone that she can sleep in the same bed with one day. I snore pretty badly) and then claim she was merely speaking her mind and that I was too sensitive. We live an hour and half away and she would routinely make plans to come to my place then blow me off telling me she just didn't feel like driving all the way to my house. This would obviously make me feel pretty hurt. When I pointed out how she was treating me we would fight. She would blow up make claims like I was being clingy and typically break up with me. After a few days she would tell me that I was right and we would get back together. This became so regular that I began to see a pattern forming. When she was up things were great and I couldn't have been happier. She was loving, attentive and sweet. She once made me turn around from walking away from her after we had been out so she could tell me that she loved me. When she was down she was cold, distant and irritable. She would seem to switch between the two about every two weeks with her up-swing normally during her period. This behavior seemed to be directed toward people she was close to. Mainly myself and her mother. To everyone else she pretended to be happy about everything. She had even admitted this to me once. I began reading up on bipolar disorder but her symptoms didn't quite fit. She really didn't get into deep depressions when she was down. I stumbled upon Cyclothymia which seemed to fit her symptoms more closely. We continued to fight and eventually we both became fed up with the situation. I still wasn't ready to give up on her though. I was in love with her and I was committed to make things work. I told her that I believed she suffered from a chemical imbalance and that if she wanted to continue the relationship that she needed to seek professional help. From what I had read of the disorder I knew that this approach probably wouldn't go well but I didn't know what else to do and I didn't feel that it was fair for her to pretend she didn't have a problem and leave me to deal with it by myself. She was insulted by this and became defensive. I tried pointing out her behaviors to her. The things she had done. Her erratic behavior. I quoted her from times when she had herself said that she needed to treat me better and couldn't understand why she didn't. None of this made any difference to her and she refused to seek help so we remained apart. She said she still wanted to be friends. I told her that I didn't feel that was possible. I feel that it wasn't right for her to have treated me so poorly and then expect us to be friends right away. I felt it was best for us to go back to being just co-workers. I again reinforced that I couldn't have anything to do with her until she sought help. This wasn't easy as we worked together. She made the situation worse by constantly trying to get my attention. She would "accidentally" call me and want to chat. She would start singing or drawing attention to herself whenever I would walk by. She would leave her housekeeping cart in the area where I was working instead of bringing it with her and then constantly come back to it. She once spent an hour staring at me from the staff lounge while I was helping one of my employees fix his truck on my lunch break. This was particularly odd because she always left on her break to walk her dog who she loves very much. I did my best to ignore all this and stick to my decision that we wouldn't be together unless she started seeing a psychiatrist. I was fired from my job two weeks ago. My termination had nothing to do with her. While she has mostly kept her distance she has continued her attention seeking to a lesser extent. She was having financial troubles so I had bought her a new Blackberry and put her on my phone plan while we were together. I wanted to make things a little easier for her and I wanted to be able to keep in touch with her throughout the day. After I was fired she deleted me from her Blackberry Messenger contacts knowing that my phone would alert me when she did. She had done this before. I hadn't initiated any contact with her and she had told me she would be returning the phone in a week. I don't feel she had any real reason to do this except as a means of trying to get me to speak to her. A few days ago she texted me asking for my mailing address
Robb82 Robb82
26-30, M
5 Responses Mar 11, 2010

Wow, I just recently left my boyfriend, 28, who is bipolar and I am 38 and not bipolar. Whats weird is your relationship and its problems are so much like mine. Maybe you don't see it but I do. It was just strange to see the similarities.

She doesn't sound bipolar at all. Wrong diagnosis, never try to self-diagnose yourself or someone else. <br />
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More accurate would be Borderline Personality Disorder, though, from what you are describing. She does need help but not from you, from a professional. She will only drive you crazy with her crazy-making behavior and codependency, until you forget to have a normal relationship

My friend, yours is a horror story as mine also. My former bipolar girlfriend that I was engaged to left me out of the blue via text message while I was in the hospital for a week. She has moved in with and states she is in love with a man she met in a bar while I was in the hospital. And her behavior is why I was there! Within the space of 2 days she is in love and moved in. The day I was released from the hospital is when I was actually told by text that it is over. Just like that, no reason or explanation. Cold huh? This type stuff she has done to me for almost 2 years. I could write 5 pages of the awful things she has done to me but that is for later. I am still in love with her but I realize she will never change and does not think she needs to. No treatment, no therapy. I had reached my limit, she cost me my career, money, reputation, self respect, you name it. I tried to give her the best life I could, but it was never enough. She offered me an out when she dumped me, I realize it was best for me. I lost everything due to her, barely have my sanity left. I hope you can gracefully get out of her spell, but like me, I suspect you still love her and wish for a miracle.

Please let it go, there are so many other people out there. Find someone who really cares about you. She obviously doesn't.

You are not responsible for every stray puppy whack job female out there. Turn your back and walk away.

so she could return the phone I bought her. I had told her previously she could keep it. It was a gift and I wasn't expecting it back. She insisted on returning it which is understandable. She had told me just last week that she still had my address. Even if she had lost it she certainly could have gotten it from work. My contact information was readily available due to the nature of my position. Again, I felt as if she was trying to draw me back in. I became upset at this childish behavior. I pointed out that she was only texting to get me to talk to her again. She told me that I was imagining it and that she had no feelings for me. I know this isn't true because people at work have witnessed her behavior and commented about it to me. I wrote and mailed her a letter the other week. I was very explicit about my feelings. I feel I made it very clear to her that I would no longer be contacting her and that she shouldn't contact me unless she can say that she has been seeing a doctor. I pointed out her past with abusive relationships and that it should be a pretty big red flag that when she finally meets a guy who treats her with love, care and respect she drives him off. I told her that her actions have been very transparent and that if she truly had no feelings for me that she would leave me alone after I had repeatedly asked for space. Upon receiving my letter she called me and threatened me with a restraining order. She's been prolonging returning the phone to me and after being threatened with legal action I was much less patient. Her excuses became more ridiculous so I had her phone shut off. She called several times and finaly left a voicmail when I wouldn't answer after she realized the phone was off. I emailed her asking her to return the phone to my ex-employee whom I would be seeing soon. Still she didn't return the phone. I emailed her again asking for the phone and that I just wanted this to be over with. Her excuse this time was that she couldn't figure out how to delete her old emails which I knew was a lie. She sent me three emails and two voice mails over this in which she started getting pretty nasty and accused me of wanting to snoop through her personal contacts. I responded to her email with one in kind in which I was cruel. I know this wasn't right and that she can't help what she says and does. Knowing that doesn't make her actions any less hurtful. After I sent the email I deleted my email account and had the phone number she was using blocked. After that she gave the phone to my ex-employee who I went to get it from. He told me that she was borrowing money from him, selling her belongings, lying to people at work and had asked him to lie for her. I'm worried that she is becoming worse. I'm also worried that I may have caused this. I feel as if I've abandoned her. I'd like to send her an email telling her that I'm there if she ever wants to seek help. I'm not sure this is the right thing to do because of her resistance to seeing her problem and also because of her threats of involving the law. I'm not sure we could ever have a relationship but I am worried about her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.