Alcoholic Husband

I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 1 year. We have 2 kids together. Our son is 5 and our daughter is 1. When I met my husband I knew he drank. I was 17 and he was 21. We used to drink and party together a lot. I didnt think it was a problem until we moved in together. He had to drink every day to feel normal. Starting at 9am he had to go to the liquor store. He has been diagnosed with Agoraphobia and he has been using alcohol to self medicate for a very long time. Over the years he has cut down a lot. He used to drink a huge bottle of Vodka everyday and now he is down to two 40 oz beers a day. Recently we got him a doctor appointment and put on medication for his anxiety attacks and agoraphobia. I told him he can either have his medication or his alcohol. He chose his medication. He quit drinking Friday Sept. 11 2009. Everything was going great. He felt like a new person. He even acted like a new person. He helped me with the kids, did chores, didnt take naps every day, I got to study and do my homework without having to stay up until 3am, etc. It was great. Last Sunday he drank 3 beers from a six pack while watching the Bronco game. He said he could handle it and after he drank them he felt horrible and said he cant handle it and wont drink again. Last night he asked if I could go to the store and get tartar sauce. I was busy doing my homework so I said I would prefer it if he went. He took a longer time than usual at the store and when I asked why he said the cashier was slow. About a half hour later he told me he went to the liquor store and drank a small bottle of 90 proof peppermint schnapps and he was drunk. We got in an argument and I tried to ignore him while he was drunk but I couldnt this time. He blames me for his problem and I dont know what to do. I have so much on my plate with a full time job, full time college, 2 kids, 2 dogs, and a house to take care of. I cant handle having to watch my husband too. Last night I had to search his car for alcohol. I cant handle this. I love him but I dont think this tough love is working. He has been in jail for 30 days for his DUI, I left him 3 times and he has crashed 2 cars because of his drinking during the time we werent together because no one else will take his keys away from him when he is drunk. Nothing gets through to him. He has bleeding stomache ulsers and he throws up blood when he is drunk. I need help and support and I dont know what to do. I am tired of him blaming me and telling me that if I loved him more he can stop drinking. This past week I have failed my Marketing test because when he said he needed to spend time with me because he feels like drinking I dropped my books and we went and did something to take his mind off drinking. It worked and he made it through a week. Now he is back to drinking and I failed my test for nothing. I am going to an al-anon class tonight to learn about this disease. He refuses to go to AA meetings and get help. I obviously cant help him so I might as well give up and get a really nice life insurance policy on him because he wont make it past 40.

jadeadams jadeadams
22-25, F
11 Responses Sep 22, 2009

babe i too live with an alcoholic and his while family are totally unstable as they are also all alcoholics. i am 27 and he is 29 and i met him 4 years ago and i honestly cant say anything has changed. why i have stayed with him i have no idea. I was a stunning size healthy fit size 14 when i met him and in the last 4 years i have crept up to a size 22 and i look so old and unhealhty because i dont drink and to make myself happy i eat. when he is drunk i do everything within my control to make him happy so i know he wont smash my house up or my possessions when we get home. i have tried for 4 years to stay in control and stay on top of everything he does and his drinking and when situations happen where he gets down and i know the bad is coming i try and change the atmosphere. i am tired. i have been on health kick and lost 10 kilos and i feel great and confidant and getting more attention like before. he hates it so he feeds me more. if i knew now what i knew 3 years ago i would have been gone. i wouldnt have stayed. i feel like i owe it to him or that someone else will reap my rewards. our whole relationship i worked full time while he didnt and he either worked for cash for alcohol or he didnt work at all and would find friends to drink with all day, it was only 6 months ago i found a part time job and made him the "bread winner" so that he has responsibility and his focus isnt on working. now i cant have a career coz the minute he feels financially secure he will jepardise his amazing job he has.
I want kids, and we are engaged but while he is so emotionally unstable and alcoohol dependant its not option for me. i seriously feel your pain. its a lonely life and a sad life coz when they dont drink its almost like a drug coz you feel so high. i am quickly learning that after the age of 25 guys dont change. they may change so you belive they are different but in hindsight they are still the same mould. Get out of the relationship or set a goal for the next 12 months and if it is not met then leave. I did that last year. I set goals and for every one that wasnt met it was an excuse for me to leave. Luckily for me ( or should i say him) he met them all so i felt somewhat satisfaction. we have hit the new year and he is still an abusive drunk when he gets to that point. This is something women should NOT have to put up with. If i could listen to my own advice I would be back at my mums rebuilding my life. If i have children with this man I would be out the door as they would be my life and soul and i would not subject them to remotely what i have been through. he has brought out a side of me which i didnt know exisisted and this is where i start to question myself. I feel your pain, its such a lonely life living with an alcoholic as you dont want people to see the flaws.

Whatever u do don't have children with him!!! I did that and 20 years later I am still here saying Im going to leave but what is worse! The kids with no dad or a drunk dad. Feeling like maybe 1 day he will change! Being controlled from made to feel guilty going for a coffee to being told I don't know how to cook. Giving birth with a drunk snoring husband - it's so much harder when u have kids with them! Walk away u having nothing to loose and everything to gain!!!! Take control walk away and never look back!!

Update: it has 3 years now and I hate to say it but we got divorced in 2010 and it was because of his drinking. In November 2010 he was drunk and we got in a fight because I wouldn't do anything and I was ignoring him. Well he slapped me in the face and I got mad and left. He got mad that I left so he called the police and told them that I hit him and kicked him and punched him. He even told my 5 year old to tell the police that I did all of that and he would buy him a new pack of cars! So of course I got home 3 hours later and was told all of this. I got arrested the next day because he wouldn't admit that he lied. I was done with him after that. I made it a few more month to get through the holidays and birthdays and then i threw him out in march 2010. Our divorce was final in september 2010. I put my life together, finished college, and now I am with a wonderful man who does not have a drinking problem. My life is actually fantastic now and my kids are even happier. I guess i needed to remove all the negativity from my life and that is what i did. It is hard to see my ex and hear that he has not changed at all but at least I figured it out that if he can't change for his wife and kids, then he isn't going to ever change. He still blames me for all his problems and says things would be different if I wouldn't have made him leave. He has been to a rehab place and gotten kicked out because he couldn't change and he is now living with his mom again. He has no job and i havent seen a dime in child support and that's because he still drinks himself stupid every day. He's had a few relationships but they never seem to last longer than 3 months at a time. He had it good with me and I think he is realizing that, but it is too late. I wish I could have helped him but I couldn't do it for him. I am much better off now and so are my kids. we are all happy now and we deserve to be happy. I have learned that I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I believe my ex will get the help when he is ready to face his demons. I couldn't do it for him or make him change so I had to change. Sometimes you have to lose everything to see what your problem is. One day he will figure that out and hopefully change so he can be there for his kids. I don't hold my breath though. But we have moved on and are finally happy! :)

Hiya, don't no who you are but i would like to share some of my life experience with you.All i will say is that i have lived in an alcoholic marriage for 13 years!! i have been to the ends of the earth to help my husband with him going to AA, rehab etc.I I was very co dependent within the relationship and found it difficult to leave.After going through violence, abuse, lies and manipulation which had a massive impact on my wellbeing i eventually some how started to believe that i was worth far more than this which gave me the courage to end the relationship.It has not been easy since i made that decision but i believe I have rescued myself from a path of distruction and hopefully instead will now have a more positive chance to grow to my full potential which i believe has been stifled for far to long.I would also like to add that not everybody's experience is the same and some people do get sober, but to what cost to you will that be? What ever you decide from my experience you must think of your self detach with love and remember "YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOUR SELF, NOT ANY ONE ELSE".I would also like to suggest you go along to A Lonon meeting which has also been part of my recovery.All the very best to you and hugs i understand.

you have a hug from me.... you'll get past this, and he'll be sorry

very sad to hear how things are going with you ,im pleased you have your son as he at least will keep you strong,my life was so very similar to yours my kids gave me the strength to carry on [[take care[[

I met my alcoholic at 27 years old. I am 35 now. We lived together for 2 years and were married in 2004. We had our son in 2006. In 2002 when I met my husband I weighed 135lbs. By the time we were married I ballooned to 174 lbs. Now I weigh 205 lbs and I am 5'3" . I used food as my addiction when my husband used beer. He drinks everyday, starts after work which is about 5 and goes until he falls asleep. If he doesn't work, he starts drinking at 1. I am so disgusted by him that I wake up mad in the morning. I have to force myself to be nice to him. I blame him for my weight gain, which I know is not true. I am a weak person. I used food as comfort. My husband also pee's in his sleep. His pee's in our bed. We've had to buy three beds in 9 years. He pee's on my couches and pee's on the floor. I have tried to embarrass him with it and thrown it in his face. Most of the time I want to leave him, but I am afraid that he will try and take my son. I can't even let him have visitation rights because i am afraid of leaving him alone with him. i don't trust him. i picked this life and i fear that i have ruined my sons life in the process. I dream of running away and never seeing him again, but i can't do that to my parents. <br />
I know this is going to sound weird but he is a very caring person, he goes to work and supports our family, but he would do so much better if he didn't drink. i am the type of person that can forgive him, but i never forget so i have a lot of anger towards him. i know i am fooling myself believing it will get better. i look at other people and wish i had their lives. i always ask myself what did i do so wrong to give me a life like this. was i a bad person? why do i have to live like this? if i didn't have my son, i would end it. i would end everything.

You can't help an alcoholic. The best thing you can do is detach and not making his/her drinking your problem. Tell him you won't spend time with him/her if they are going to drink themselves stupid and abuse you mentally or physically. I am married to an alcoholic too and anyone who say's drinking beer daily does not make an alcholic doens't know anything. Beer is just as bad as bourbon. Why does he do it? I have no idea. He says he likes the taste. He uses alcohol as a crutch in my opinion. For the first time in his live, he has a good life, a good family and a great home and yet he still drinks. He's a "functioning alocholic" a good job, a supervisor at that and yet still drinks every afternoon until he passes out. He'll never get help either becaues he doesn't want anyone at work to know but I'm sure his close friends already know....he surrounds himself with drinkers as friends too so it's "socially acceptable". I've given up and I know I will leave one day. For now though I stay because I have a son that will be entering college.<br />
I just prepare myself mentally for him to have an accident one day and I pray that he doens't take an innocent person or family with him.<br />
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Detach - and take care of yourself and your children. Get your education and then change your life.<br />
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God Bless!

Wow...Ur story is so familiar 2 mine....Mine functions &amp; goes 2 work (which is around alcohol) wont get help cuz he's afraid of ppl finding out...Hangs around w/other drinkers 2 "fit in" He's so miserable cuz if he's not drunk he's got a major hangover.. Im giving up...Mentally trying 2 prepare myself for the move also...I also pray that if he has an accident, he doesnt take an innocent person/family... I feel like im watching a major accident happen &amp; im helpless/powerless... Just like alcoholics i feel like Im living 1 day @ a time!! Somedays i find it hard 2 detach cuz i know the person that i fell in love with so long ago is still inside there... I feel like im in some crazy bipolar relationship with all these up &amp; downs... God bless u &amp; i hope the best for u &amp; ur children&lt;3

When I called today my husband's doctor today, I was directed toward behavioral health. There are things we can do to change to feel better ourselves and that gives us a better strength. I'm pretty stressed too. I don't have small children and that helps. I am co-dependent though and will do too much for my alcoholic husband. I thought that was why he's been blaming me so much but...well...alcohol is poison.<br />
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Good luck.

When I called today my husband's doctor today, I was directed toward behavioral health. There are things we can do to change to feel better ourselves and that gives us a better strength. I'm pretty stressed too. I don't have small children and that helps. I am co-dependent though and will do too much for my alcoholic husband. I thought that was why he's been blaming me so much but...well...alcohol is poison.<br />
<br />
Good luck.

I wish I could give you an answer. I feel the same exact way. In fact sometimes it is hard to read some of the stories on this site because I just end up bawling my eyes out. I guess for now you can at least find solace in the fact that you are not alone. I know that doesn't help much because your still stuck in the same situation but at least you don't have to feel like your crazy because your not! It is so strange how good alcoholics are at making the other person feel like they are the one's with the problem. I hope you find a solution soon so that you and your kids can be happier.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and we have a 2 year old together. I often wondered what it would be like if I helped him get on anti-depressants because they help me not to smoke. From your story, I know better. I have been to Al-Anon before and had a sponsor and worked up to step 3 then I started to get stoned with my boyfriend and was afraid I would end up drinking again from the stress of dealing with his drinking problems. So, I went to AA meetings too. I can Identify with both sides of the coin. There is nothing you can do for him except pray and try to keep yourself sane by detaching. I am on anti-depressants now and things seem clearer that I need to go back to Al-Anon and look for another place to live so that our child does not grow up in a sick environment. I would have to say that the ball is more in your court than you think if you are the one handling all of the bills. It sucks that they can't help us financially. Mine lost his wallet a couple of weeks ago. Luckily he can get his cards replaced, but he may not be so lucky next time. Take each day one day at a time. Now is the time to accept that you cannot do it all and start asking other people to help with your kids and you may have to take a small break from school. However, please find some time for yourself to connect to a higher power.