Living With An Aspie Man

Hi everybody,

It was very interesting for me to read the story "live in a sexless mariage" written by a woman who is married to an Asperger man.

I have been married to my husband for 15 years and we have two children, aged 6 and 10.

Since we got children, our marriage has been an endless struggle. We have a very deep love for each our, but we have always had problems with daily life, stress and cooperations- especailly since we got children, I have felt that my husband does not has the overall understanding for what makes an harmonious family. He does not have an intuitive knowledge of the need to rest, and he has stressed us a lot. He is often and easily emotionally detached- and I have often felt very alone. BUT probably I am a woman who more than many others like and enjoy being alone, because I love reading, meditation and philosophizing.

I did not realize that we had an unormal detached marriage- until suddenly, all out of the blue, I met another man and was unfaithful to my husband. Then I realized that I was emotionally drained, I so much missed an emotionally intimacy with a man.

I left my husband one year later. He was shocked. Actually, during the timeĀ  we were apart he went through a considerable emotionally maturation.

Now we have been together again the last year because we both realize that we have a deep love for each other and we have two great children.

Suddenly a woman informs me that she thinks my husband has Aspergers syndrom. I then start to read a lot about it, and for the first time in my life I really get a perspective to understand my husband. I really thinks he is an aspie- but a very intelligent and smart one.

Like the woman in "living in a sexless marriage", my husband had great difficulties in being strict with the children, and they did not respect his sayings. He easily gets angry in his tone when he needs to be strict with the children, and this creates a not nice athmosphere. But we have profitted from good therapy regarding the upbringing of the children.

My husband has also been unable to express his opinions about how his parents treats him, which is not nice. They have never respected him for what he is, and they meet him with extremely high expectations, he feels that he his never good enough for his father. Actually we needed to move far away to get free from his parents, because he was not able to demonstrate for them that he was an adult person- actually he seemed to regress many years once he stepped over the threshold to his partens house. It was very depressing for me. But this has improved now. I think I have tought him, step by step, to understand what happens to him when he is together with his parents- so now he is able to descern it himself and resist most of the regression.

What frustrates me the most is that he "closes down" for nothing- I can never know when he gets sad or frightened and shuts down.. he closes his heart from me- and he remains extremely emotionally detached for one day or two days until somebody helps us to open up again.

Happily , now we have got friends who helps us with this reopening of our hearts, often via skype.

Regularly I loose all my energy, I get completely drained emotionally because of nothing, because of details I could never have predicted. And I feel extremely alone.

But happyly I have always had really good and intimate friends-
I think it is extremely important for Aspie spouses to have other intimate friends with whome we really can empty ourselves.

And then I have started meditation and spiritual practices the last nine years which also have helped me alot- because then you learn to really rest and enjoy your own existence

To survive and live relatively happy with an aspie you need to really be connected to your own divine presence- and actually this is a very beautiful enpowerment of your own being. I started this spiritual practices without recognizing being married to an aspie, but now I realize that this interest has really saved me.

I have often thought that many women would have become alcoholics living with my husband, and I myself was often drinking redwine alone during the first years of our marriage, on fridays and saturdays evenings, when my husband was out fishing in the night while I looked for the children. Suddenly I realized that I drank redwine because of selfsuffering, and I stopped.

It is possible to live with an aspie man, but one needs good intimate friends who can help overcome the feeling of disconnectedness, and it is good to have some spiritual practices which helps to connect to the inner divine essence and power-

shakti69 shakti69
46-50, F
1 Response Sep 18, 2013

It is amazing how disconnected I can feel living with an Aspie. I want to help but find peace in accepting his limits. Good friends are important.