I have been contemplating for quite some time, if I’m going to tell you things I should have told you. I’m thinking if I told you will I hurt you? If I told you will it helps me or you? Until one day, I encounter an article regarding the regrets of those people in their deathbed and one of it is not expressing the things or feelings they felt towards someone. I was like thinking, would this really help me moving on from the past. The thing is I know that things might not be affecting you anymore and you might have move on for a long time but I have to admit to you that until now I haven’t.

Well you may say it’s crazy and you might even laugh at me but I guess this is me. The thing is I thought I was, I thought I was through all of this. I haven’t seen you for long time and I was happy that I never saw you and I told myself at last I’m through with it. But I guess I was wrong, well I haven’t seen you and you don’t even want me to be your friend even in face book but I always see you in my other friends photo. At first I was like okay he’s okay he’s happy then I’m okay. But suddenly I wanted to ask how are you? Are you doing great? Is everything okay? Then I was like asking myself hey what’s happening have you forgotten how many years have past? I thought you’re through with it, are you really okay? Then after sometime it’s torturing me again. And I ask myself why? Why? You know all this times I thought I was clever, then I thought maybe I’m just too dumb when it comes to love.

Or I’m just too dumb when it comes to you. Funny but it’s true. I don’t know what happen but it’s like you have been part of my life for quite a long time which maybe the reason why. I ask one of my best friend cousin. Why I still care for you? Then she ask me back? Then I just realize maybe it’s because I have embrace you in my heart since I was a kid. It’s crazy but it’s true. And not that I only embrace you, I also learn from a far to embrace your family in my heart. And maybe that’s the reason why. And maybe because I have a lot of things I have keep in my heart and I want to set it free. Because the more I suppress it, the more it hurts me more. And it’s like I’m already going to explode if I won’t tell you everything.

Well I have to admit and tell you that I love you so much. I never told you before but I do. I love you so much that I think I can’t continue to love you that much because if I do I’ll destroy myself. Because last time I already did, when you suddenly stop communicating with me. And therefore everything that it’s too much will destroy us. Still remember the time you ask me if you can just continue to show your love to me even If I have a boyfriend? And have you ever wonder why I didn’t allow you? Not because I don’t want too, it’s because I know that if you did, I will love you even more. And I ask myself how sure I am that you’re going to stay with me forever? If there’s no constant thing on this earth but change? What will happen to me? Can I really take it again? And that time, I know I was cruel to you but I was most cruel to myself. Why? Because when all this time the thing that you most waited and wanted you just rejected and didn’t accept, it’s like it’s the most painful of all. That’s why when you ask me why do I love torturing you, I told you that who are you to tell me that, do you think it’s easy for me? Do you think I’m not hurting? And I have to tell you that I am.

And do you still remember the time we met again? And you told me over phone that you saw a kid when you are about to go home and you saw me having a kid of our own? Then you told me how much you love me? And you ask me if I still love you? and I told you I won’t be seeing you if I don’t. Have you ever wonder why I never reacted regarding the kid? Because I have always see myself having a family with you. Funny? But it’s true. And I am afraid to tell you that and I just kept it only in my heart.

But then after sometime you’re suddenly gone. Do you know how it felt? It hurts badly, because I thought you won’t give up that easily, but then you did and I told myself okay then, maybe you are not really worth keeping after all. And maybe right now you are wondering if I love you that much why I didn’t choose you over him? And I am also wondering why you never ask me, why. I was actually waiting for you to ask me but you didn’t. Do you want to know the reason why? Because I was too afraid of the consequences of my actions. So I just cry and pray to God, I actually have an agreement with God. And if that thing happens, then I will fight for you, then I will take all the consequences of my actions, I waited for my prayers to be answered but it never happens. Sad but maybe that is the answer to my prayers and I just have to move on from all of my wishes and dreams to be with you. I love you before and I still love you every day but I can’t keep loving you anymore. I have to stop loving you because it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know if it’s possible to unloved you. I don’t know how, but I know someday I can. And I know that someday and one day, I will have no feelings and memories of you anymore. And i'll forget you one day.
VoiceLessMe VoiceLessMe
31-35, F
Aug 17, 2014