Denial....

By the time I was 25, I felt I had lived 2 lifetimes.  Partly because I never was really allowed to have a childhood and due to the abuse suffered during that time. I was raised by a Borderline Personality with alcoholism, all innocence is ******** away and I was forced into the role as caretaker.  I mourn for the girl I once was.

Sexual abuse began when I was 6, then 10, then 11, then 16.  I was molested by three different people and my mother to this day never acknowledges what happened to me.  Back then, she made it out to be that I was seeking attention and just trying to make her life miserable.  She would then turn on a dime and say to me that she would kill anyone who laid their hands on me.  Her logic was so sick and twisted, it was hard for me not to question what I felt.

I will say that I have my share of dysfunction but I did come out on the other side of the abuse and I am healing.  Proudly I can boast that I am nothing like my mother and that I truly have become the mother I always wanted.  I am in therapy, trying to deal with the anger and anxiety left over from my upbringing.  I am a survivor and I strive for the moment when I can say that I am healed.

bonobabe bonobabe
31-35, F
6 Responses May 6, 2007

I find the key to getting over it is to keep buzy and see how many people love you for your self.<br />
<br />
It is when my mum died that I was able to realize just how awful she was and how unnecessary her behaviour was but I could also see how desperately unhappy her life was and how I would of hated to have been her.

Your childhood is over, no need hating it now, and it is very unfruitful besides.<br />
<br />
Concentrate on things you have power over, we cannot change the past but we can make our future.

i have to commend you. not because you're in therapy but because you take it to heart. lots of people in this world go to therapy, however, they do not apply anything learned to their lives. i'm sure most would blame it on their therpist, that they didn't suggest anything worth value, etc. truth be known, if we want to heal, with or without therapy, it IS possible! not only do you have a strong desire to come out better, but you listen, you apply what you learned by listening to your life as well as sharing it with others in similar situation, you've overcome so much already and you look forward to a specific and happy time. people who 'go' to therapy and are 'comfortable' in their lives do not want to change - change is scary, unfamiliar, etc. they'd also have to take responsibility for themselves rather than playing the role of 'victim' which for some is inconceivable. not to mention they'd have to put forth effort, hence they do not perceive such a happy point in their lives. i have to say ... you are WELL on your way, b.b.! keep on with it.

I'm sure that handling all that you've been through was hard, I understand it all. I think that you're a very strong person and that you really want to heal and deal with your anger. The people that went through a lot in their life, especially in their childhood, are the strongest of all. I encourage all the people to read such stories and seek help or whatever they need to heal. I sure know that you're a great mom :)

Boy,you have been through a lot. I am in therapy also, grieving for my lost childhood. I was hospitalised 12-27-05 for clinical depression very scary. I am 62 and have fought depression all my life.thankful for my counciling and adult child support group, i am finding my way out of a dark hole. I was really scared i had thoughts of suicide would not eat lots of anxiety etc. I am doing real good now with help from the group and medication.Stay strong

That's great that you overcame everything that has happened to you. We all know that you are a great mom. If only everybody was as strong as you.