The Child No One Wanted

when i was 2 my mom divorced my father.

when i was 3.5 my mother remarried.

my father kept my mother in court very often.  he stalked her.  he prank called her, etc.

in my 4th year my half brother was born.  my mother and step-father took my father to court.  he signed me over to them, giving up all legal rights to me as his daughter.  this would be the last time i saw him.  my step-father was to adopt me.  he never did ...

until the birth of my brother i was the apple of my step-father's eye.  we did everything together.  i was 'daddy's lil girl' even though i wasn't his.  his parents, which i called; gramma and grampa were, in my eyes, just that, gramma and grampa.  they were wonderful to me ... until the birth of my brother.

once he was born, i ceased to exist.  i was no longer needed.  i became a nuisance.

the favoritism was obvious and disgusting.  even those on the outside looking in could see it.  there was nothing they could do about it.  because of the favoritism my self worth and self esteem plummetted.

my step-father was an alcoholic.  when he drank he usually became very happy.  he made all sorts of promises he later broke.  it became a way of life - not trusting people.

when he wasn't drinking he was miserable and aimed to make everyone around him feel the same way.  he and my mother both screamed at me, called me names, gestured violently, made fun of me, berated me and told me how worthless i was, etc. etc. etc. 

there was nothing i ever did, no matter how good or bad, that would get the attention of my parents.  i tried everything.  even if i did get their attention it was never positive, even if the situation greatly warranted it.  because of this my self esteem and self worth went even lower than it was, as if that was possible ... but it was.

i was always too fat (i was a rather thin child,) too loud, too ugly, too this or that and on the flipside i was never enough of this or that.

regardless my achievements i would never gain acceptance.

i'd be punished to the maximum for the slightest indiscretion.  it eventually became physical punishment beyond the normal spankings i was brought up with.  i was a good kid and received on 4 spankings.  once my parents began having problems in their marriage, this changed.  my mother would elbow me in the head, slap me across the face, etc.  my step-father would pin me against the wall by my neck, slap me across the face, etc.

i was molested by the babysitter's father when i was 11.  we lived out in the country and my parents worked out of town, thus for the sake of safety we had a babysitter. 

because it was a small town and i 'lead the revolt' against this woman's father, her children (her daughter a year older than me and her son, my brother's age) caused the worst problems for us at school with the other children.  i had to physically defend myself on a daily basis.

as the other children who were in this woman's care came forward with their stories everyone shimply dropped it.  there were still dirty looks that would kill if looks could kill.  it was a tension filled childhood.  the 'reputation' never went away.  the other children, due to their egos i assume, simply wouldn't allow it although they now felt guilty.  it's as if that guilt fueled the fire.  i would have rather dealt with the physical threats than the gossiping and dirty looks.

4 years after the babysitter's father treated me as he did, my stepfather began doing the same.

i developed early.  i had a c cup breast at 9 yrs old.  i had begun menses at 10.  i appeared much more mature physically than i was emotionally.  HOWEVER, this does NOT excuse their transgressions against me.

when i went to my mother to tell her what happened with my stepfather, she told me that i must have dreamt it.  she simply would not believe me.  i was crushed.  my aunt knew there was something wrong and she finally got it out of me.  at that point i'd begun to doubt myself and wonder if truly did dream it.  but i knew better ... i was simply trying to dismiss it myself ... i didn't want to deal with it.

my aunt worked for the state.  and as such, she was mandated to report the abuse.  the social workers came.  i was removed from the home.  i ended up having to stay with a friend for a month.  when i was allowed to go back home the social workers would come for a visit once a week.  each time they came it only made my step-father treat me worse.  i finally told them to stop coming to my house because of this.  i refused to speak with them.  they finally left me alone.

it never happened again.  although at the time he denied it, later in life he admitted that he had been drinking heavily during that period and he wasn't sure what happened.  he apologized profusely.  i accepted his apology and went on about life.

i was told my parents would pay for college and/or match any scholarships i received.  all i had to do was keep a job, pay my bills and keep an A average.  i did that.  i applied for only 3 scholarships and ended up with a full-ride for both academics and sports. 

after i graduated my stepfather and i discussed my curfew for the summer before i was to leave to college.  he told me i was now an adult and to come home when i felt it was right.  prior to that, on the weekends, i had to be home at midnight.  there were 2 weekends i didn't get home until 2 a.m. on friday and saturday night.  sunday through thursday i came home after work.  prior to graduation i had to be in by 10 on 'school nights.'  i was still doing that.

after the second weekend, i was told to get out of their house because i was coming home so late and it made me look like a **** to the neighbors.  it was tarnishing their good name and image within the neighborhood/community.  as if the neighbors were sitting around watching for when i got home! 

i moved out, met my first husband and ended up not going to college because my parents refused to do as they had offered several years before.  they would not pay for my books and after having paid for rent all summer long, because i got kicked out, i didn't have the money.  this also being my first attempt at college, i didn't know you could take out loans. 

i quit speaking to both of them once i moved out and i wouldn't talk to them for 2 years.  it was a peaceful 2 years.

wouldn't you know?  when my brother lost his scholarship my father would shell out $120k for his remaining 3 years as well as allow him to live at home, feed him, give him spending money, etc. 

of course, when my step-father told me 3 weeks prior to my wedding that he'd not be paying for it, as he'd promised me repeatedly over the 12 months i was engaged, i completely quit speaking to him for the following 4.5 years.  i rarely spoke to my mother and only if i had to.

to this day i do my best to avoid the both of them.  they are divorced now but that has, unfortunately, not helped them.  they are simply sick people. 

my brother and i talk about it often.  he won't speak to his father either.  and his mother annoys the h3ll out of him.  he remembers the favoritism and feels terribly guilty about it.  it wasn't his fault tho, still isn't and i am certain to remind him of that each time he brings it up.

i suppose it could have been much worse.  thank God it wasn't!

AbbyNormal AbbyNormal
31-35, F
9 Responses May 28, 2007

I do not know if you are a Christian or not but I am and have a story simular to yours. The bible says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I believe that and you should believe that also. God is able to work all things together for your good. Come and read my short story of how he die this in my life. He has a reason for you.

i cant ever understand how bad your childhood is but i can relate to bieng the black sheep of the family when my sister was born i faded into the background as i got older it just got worse .sometimes i think it was because i was always that kid who wanted to do things herself while my sister wanted everyone to baby her and she was really really cute blonde hair blue eyes and always said the most adorable things compare that to hyper independent brown hair green eyed kid and i guess alot of people might have loved her more but anyways it took me a long time to get over my childhood i dont think i am sometimes my parents try to talk to me now i ignored them for two years now i try to be nice to them but its hard cause they just seem so fake to me like its all just an act why couldnt they be nice to me when i was a kid and even if i wasnt as awesome as my sister is (i love her to death were best friends and when where not together we miss each other alot) i was there child they should have treated me alot better........i wish there was a way so that i could stop it from happening to other kids but i dont think it would ever stop because no ones created equal and not all parents can look past that

Thank you all for your comments. Stay strong and take care.

Wow sounds like you had a rough childhood. Damn, what the hell is wrong with people? Just because your half brother came along doesn't mean they had to treat you like a pile of s***. No offense, but maybe if your mom would have kept her legs a little closer together none of this would have happened. People don't even deserve to have children if they can't take care of them. That really ****** me off!!

I just wanted to say that it's amazing that you never know about other's problems until they tell you and you don't even realize your own until you tell someone. I'm glad you shared you experience. Thank you...

An astounding story - replete with people at their worst. I am deeply sorry you were made to endure this injustice. Your strength is your triumph, your happiness is your revenge. Rock on Constant.

im so glad you are away from them. some people do not deserve to have children. :( im so sorry for what you went through.

thanks, c. i sure try to be strong. i succeed most days now. however, as i suspect i always will, i still have those days of utter weakness and vulnerability. we surely do have our own 'crosses' to bear and many times when you look around and see other people's burdens to the true extent, you realize your own cross is not THAT challenging. heartlove, thank you kindly for your comment. i have forgiven - ABSOLUTELY! there's no way i'd have made it this far had i not. i would have already been committed to the psych ward otherwise. it's as if forgiving them freed me from their sins ... peculiar how the psyche works. c and h.l., thank you again for your comments.

You've been through a rough childhood. I understand the favoritism and how they didn't accept whatever you did even if you tried. My parents favored all of my brothers and sister over me. They always expected more from me, and nothing I did reached their full satisfaction. I was a bit ignored by them too but that was fine to me. I was sexually abused by my cousin, but I never told anyone and it was from a long time. Anyway, at some point of your life you'll learn how to forgive, even if they were treating you badly. These are all lessons from life. Everyone at least has some guilt in their lifes, and forgiving helps you heal. I think that you've really managed how to handle with all of that. You're a really strong person and I can feel it. Try to forget the past and move on with your life. Your parents must've deeply hurt you but you'll get through and if they ever try to apologize just accept it because life is too short to waste and you never know what could happen next. The more things you go through, the more you get stronger and get aware of what's going around you. One important thing that made me get stronger and helped me heal is knowing that lots of people had a much worst childhood, just remember that. Keep up the good work :)