Oh, Now You Want Me to Love You???

Yeah, life as a kid sucked pretty bad.  It wasn't as bad as some I have read here, but we all have our own personal he11.  My childhood has shaped me into the cynical, untrusting recluse I am today.

I grew up as a fat kid and everyone found it necessary to point this out on a daily basis, including my mother and siblings who found it especially satisfying.  They used to all laugh at me and make me the butt of all their jokes, as I was always the short one, too.  I was the short, fat one.  Ha ha.

Because I was the perpetual punchline and daily scapegoat, my older brother and my mother (no father around; never met the a$$hole) would gang up on me to kick my a$$, physically and mentally.  They were like a tag team.  I have these haunting memories of them both laughing at me and taking turns beating my little a$$ up thoughout my youth.

But i had one thing that they never had: intelligence.  As much as I bottled up my pain, I also bottled up my thoughts, which were growing more and more sophisticated everyday.  Around my early teen years, I had realized that I was smarter than they were and found great solice in that fact. 

Over time, I started to lose the weight naturally without even trying, but my height seemed to remain at a stand-still.  This would be the permanent flaw that I could not outgrow.  While all of my small circle of friends and other teenagers around me enjoyed the pubescent process of growth spurts, sprouting up at a science-fiction-like rate, my body seemed lethargically content at 5'6", holding steadfast all the way to adulthood.  This became the reigning joke, as my weight issues dissipated over time.  My family would agree, as they were quite fond of pointing these things out to me at my expense; perhaps over a good ol' fashioned beat down.

But now, I am an adult at 30.  Eventually, the physical torment ended, but the emotional torment certainly did not let up.  My weight fluctuates somewhat to this day, just enough to keep me good and paranoid, but my height has become the victor of the duelling malformations.  No biggie (no pun intended).  I could not confide in or find refuge within the family that was supposed to have my back, regardless of the way I looked.  I grew up feeling so alone, being ridiculed by loved ones and the public, that now I have a very difficult time making or keeping friends.  I feel so isolated from people because of the way I grew up.  I distance myself from people in fear that I will again be the center of a circle jerk of mockery.

So now I am in pretty good shape and more handsome than before.  I will always be short, but that's okay.  And, thanks to the my unseen weapon: my brain, I am successful.  Much more successful than my siblings are or my mother ever was.  I am not gloating, since I would much rather have happy memories and emotional well-being than monetary success, but it's nice to be envied for something instead of lampooned for everything.

Now my family suddenly "loves" me and wants me to love them.  I don't think so.  It's not that I hate them.  It's not that I do not want to love them.  I just don't feel the love for them.  There is not really a grudge, just bad memories. But at the same time, there is not really love, either... just bad memories.

Bruno Bruno
26-30, M
1 Response Aug 3, 2007

My motto is, 'Success is the best revenge'. I live by this everyday as I strive for my education. I, too, had a very traumatic childhood. My father was and still is an alcoholic. He was very abusive. My mother never wanted me and I am not just saying this, it is so. I was molested at 5 years old. The typical disfunctioonal family with mental and physical abuse on top, that's my story!<br />
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Bruno, I am so sorry that you had to endure this. I had to endure and still endure jealousy from my mother to the point that we no longer speak. My father and I have a really good relationship but we never say I love you. I never got to hear that growing up either.<br />
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Sorry to ramble about me. I wish you the best of luck and yes, you can tell in your writing that you are very intelligent and that you have prevailed. Success is truly the best revenge! Feel free to message me on here or email me, whatever it is that ends up in my inbox on here! LOL We have very similar stories and I, too, need someone to talk to that can understand!