Those With the Best Intentions

My parents divoriced when i was a year old. They had a very bitter divorice lukily i was to young to remember it. my mother married a rich man when i was 3 years old. She didnt love him but she came from a poor mexican family and she was doing everything she could to give me and my brother the life she never had even if it meant marrying without love. Her husband turned out to be a child predator i told her one day what was going on and she left him. He never went to jail never paid for his crimes and he never will. He died from a brain tumor. He got off way to easy if you ask me. Well my mom remarried when i was about four claiming to be in love this time her husbands name was joaquin.

Joaquin was an extremly cold man he had no afection but for his dogs. i could never understand that man and im done trying. We would come to find out years later hat he cheated on my mom for 11 years of there 13 year marrige with men and women. this would later drive my mom nearly crazy.

I grew up in middle class with my mom older brother and jaquin. I was achubby growing up and that was unexceptable for my size zero mother. she had me run 5 miles a day through elementrary school i was constantly on diets . they would lock up the fridge so i couldnt eat. theyed call me fatt. and even though i made straight A's and was a model student it was never enough. I became belimic at ten. I started cutting when i was 11 and i started smoking ciggartes heavily at 11 also.

Eventually i became rebliouse fed up with my parents facination with outward apperence and disgusted with there out look on life. when i was 12 my mom sent me to live with my dad in colorado springs. My mom still had no idea i was belimic smoking or cutting. when i moved in with my dad i spirald down hill. I stopped making straight A's because i didnt see appoint. i started cutting more frequently and deeper id also begun burning myself. My dad quickly saw the severity of my situation but he never made me take medicine or see shrinks. He listened to me and tried to help i began smoking weed in seventh grade this helped my anxiety and i slowly started to get better unfortunatly i had also started drinking heavily .

at 14 i was entering highschool dad had worked miracles and i felt like i was going to be okay. Then my older brother started to get into trouble.

 

i had always taken care of Travis growing up my mom was always too busy and he got bullied alot. When my mom called me and told me the trouble travis was getting into i knew i had to go back. I snuk out at night to keep an eye on him I made friends with his freinds so id always have a look out for him. But there was only so much i could do. he was sent to juvy for possesion of marijuana but he got out early and was sent to reahab . That place only taught him new tricks. I started cutting agian and drinking heavily. Travis would go on to overdose but rcover completly and have other run ins with the law but he graduated and moved out. Thats when the gates of hell broke loose.

My moms marrige to joaquin got worse every day till it was at a breaking point we plotted to leave him. my mom took thousands of dollars form his account and transferd it to mine and had me get the money. As i was driving home from the bank with all that money in my car all i wanted to do was runfor it start over get away from this eternal mess but i couldnt i needed to take care of my mom. WE left him while he was at work. i paked and moved the entire house in6 hourse while my mom was with the lawyers.

My mom and i lived in a small town house together for a year. Its a year ill never forget. I was going to school full time and working nearly 40 hours i had to but my own food clothes bath products anything and everything and my mom was sifening money from my account without telling me. Me and her both became alcoholics. She was always to drunk to relize i was. One night i had the scare of my life. I came home so drunk nd past curfew i was worried she might notice his time buit when i walked in the living room i couldnt believe what i saw. A whole bottle of wine empty lay on its side on te floor my moms ambien pills sat on the coffe table open. I shook her shoulder and she didnt respond i started crying and screaming and her eyes finally flutered open. i picked her up and put her in bed. she still dosent remember tis happening but ill never forget.

A few months late i became anorexic. I nearly died i probably would have if my friends hadnt of intervened. i lost 85 pounds in two months my period had stpped and i started to become dizzy more frequintly. i had decided that i would just keep starving myself instead of cutting it hurts just as much but its easier to hide. I made it into a game "lets see how long it takes somone to care" the further the game went on the less and less i ate while i was getting angryer my mom was actually proud of me for loosing so much wieght she was to wrraped up in her new life of dating rich men she didnt even notice. My friends did though and they quickly put an end to it once it reached a dangerouse level.

Eventually my mom kiked me out agian so here i am a senior at my 13th school living with my dad and bother. im a struggeling recovering alcoholic. i used to drink 2-3 handles of vodka a week on my own. i would black ou and do stupid things.  Final;ly a friend of mine O.D. on black tar heroine the same night he had bought me a handle. i had held the very drug that killed him in my hand a few short hours later hed be dead but his death saved me. pushed me to be better formyself not for others. still slip now and then ill go and get drunk just forthe hell of itbut the next day im ashamed and vowe never to do it agian even though i do. Im trying to be beter but i guess it takes time. its hard to get past alot of things from my childhood and alcohol has always been ther to help me block it out but when your throwing up blood and your missing 5 hours of your memory the next day your just adding to your own misery. I dont want my childhood to define my life and im not going to let it im young and i still have time to change

lvtd lvtd
18-21
2 Responses Feb 25, 2009

thank you i try it takes alot of disipline not to dwell on the things you can but want to change

Wow, you've been through a lot. And yet It seems like you've pretty much completely recovered. I'm Impressed that you're not going to let your past get in the way of your future. I still have problems with that. I find It's hard to focus on the present and stay disciplined. Stay strong, and keep up the good work!