Loathe Is the Word!

I had a horrible time growing up, not only because I was the scapegoat in my family, but I was ostracized among my peers because of being in an all-white school and being mixed-race.  What's worse, we lived in an all black neighborhood for a couple of years in my uncle's rental house, and there, it wasn't even safe for me to go outside, such was the hatred of the local girls for me.  They called names, and threatened to beat me up, etc.  I spent my entire youth being rejected by every group.  It was misery.  It's weird now, because my experience is the exact opposite as an adult.  Now, people think I'm exotic, or they think I'm a member of their group (racially, ethnically), or they just think I'm attractive and like me because of it.  I've got lots of scars from my childhood, though.  Mostly, I don't trust, and I expect to be hurt, betrayed, rejected, hated, left and blamed.  (how's that for baggage?)  Fear not, though: I'm working on it.
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2 Responses Nov 29, 2007

I can relate, for a few different reasons. I changed schools 2-4 times a year so was always the new kid and was very poor so never had modern clothes. I fought my way through school. Even when I did find a friend it often seemed like as soon as someone told them they weren't suppose to be friends with me then they weren't my friend any more. I grew up learning not to trust anyone and waiting for every relationship to end at any moment. I have people who try to be my friend now but I keep trying to figure out why, I stay guarded. I try not to get emotionally involved because I never expect it to last and its just too hard and draining when I do and then things turn south, then I start the self loathing and blaming. I empathize with you because I know how difficult these things are to get over. They leave some pretty deep scars. Keep working on it and I'm sure things will get better for you.

I can relate to your experience too, in a sense, it is what made me clear on my self and i developed my character accordingly to my own desires and endevours. What my social rejection (although not entirely my childhood but the exceptions) did was give me a tool to steer through society in such a way that i wouldnt have easily known had i simply been excepted, meaning, along side my good times i saw how it was important to differentiate myself in character, ideals and customs (although one could do that having been accepted entirely). I know how to deal with myself and others perception of me in a way that gave me some kind knowledge of the social strata and people that reside inside of it. But another thought lurking in my mind was that my good child and adult hood experiences had given me that pretty clear view of the different social classes that make up society (growing up in U.A.E until my early teens helped me understand that) and one could not expect to be entirely, if not, mostly excepted by all and everyone, for experiences vary from individual to another: and one would only dissapoint themselves if they were to be mislead in thinking that - one ought to be excepted or treated fairly by society, that is where character develops. My advice would be perhaps not take childhood rejections so seriously as to affect your trust in other people: people are different and you will only distance yourself from many beautiful possibilities if you dont understand the nature of your rejection and the insignificance of attaching yourself entirely to their perception of you (assuming they didnt matter to yourself to such a degree). I kinda had difficulties understanding that at first but realised with experience the world behind appearences, or more correctly, an understanding of those appearances. Not everyone is alike and only your willingness to experience that which you havent had would perhaps open many possibilities.