Hi everyone. I am now 24 with a beautiful 4 year old daughter. I'm absolutely in love with my husband and daughter, but heartache and pain have now entered into my life.

My story starts back in 2010 when I fell pregnant while on the depo, to my boyfriend at the time. We decided to keep the baby and later the next year we were married. Before marriage, we were both on the same page. Comprised on the idea of having 2 kids and dreams of one day owning our own business. I was very sick during pregnancy and I'm sure it put him off the thought of another. After a year of talking about it, he said no more. It took me 6 months, a great deal of tears and alopecia to get my head around it. I decided I loved him too much to leave.

A few months ago, my husband and I, had a huge falling out which basically ended in separation. I was completely ready to do it, yes it was very emotional, but financially I could look after myself and our 4 year old daughter on my own and stay living in our rental she calls home. The falling out was all to do with him spending a ridiculous amount of money at a friends bachelor night. Him being super controlling of the finances, I get my head chopped off if I even buy make up I've run out of, and here he is spending our money we both earned on booze and strippers. He moved out into his parents house, and I let him return one night to collect the rest of his belongings and see our daughter.

That night he broke down to me, telling me everything I've ever wanted to hear from him. I have always longed for more children and have a enormous case of baby fever, but I always pushed it away as I long for both parties involved in conception to want it to happen. During this conversation, he told me he was now ready for another child. He said he's taken a long hard look at his life and he now knows that's what be wants. I wouldn't believe it. I even said "whatever, your just saying that so we don't separate " but he was adamant that this is what he wanted. "I want to plan this with you. I want to feel a baby kicking in your belly again. " He completely had me. This is what I've wanted more than anything in the whole world. I immediately took him back.

Five months on from the separation, we started trying for a baby. I stopped drinking coke, I stopped smoking instantly, I ate completely healthy. Got my iud taken out and started taking folic acid straight away. I also researched the subject everyday I got home from work. Charting my ovulation, bought a special book for note taking. I had it down. The first month we Started trying, I fell pregnant. I came out of the toilet and said "how many lines can you see?" as I didn't believe it myself. "2" he replied. I was SO excited!!! But unfortunately I could see he didn't feel the same way. "Don't get too excited, just wait till your 12 weeks " he said. This was not the response I was after. I immediately rang my sister, who was equally as excited as me.

The following weeks, he was pretending like nothing had happened. I gave him multiple chances to talk, but it seemed like he was being a bloke about it, and didn't really care. A week and a half after taking the test, I returned home from work and noticed spotting. I was devastated. I knew instantly it was a miscarriage. He was a little supportive, but again I was not getting any emotional support from him, so I rang my sister. She came instantly and supported me through it. The next day I was told to stay bed ridden, while he went to work. There were no messages of hope your feeling OK today, NOTHING. I booked an ultrasound appointment and wanted him to take Me and come along, but he made an excuse, so I had to cancel my appointment for a later one and my sister took me. Unfortunately the ultrasound showed I was no longer pregnant. I was only 6 weeks along, and my grief was clouded by the thought we'd just try again.

My blood test came back 0 levels of hgc, so I continued tracking my ovulation. I was worried I wouldn't ovulate that month as I had just had a miscarriage, but to my Surprise, I did! That morning, I jumped out of bed, checked and ran over to him, giddy as a school girl. Please can you make tonight special I asked. He agreed. All day at work I was excited. I had a spring in my step. Nothing could ruin this day..... until I returned home from work. His Mother and best friend were there. Calm down I thought to myself, he knows what you want. So I let him drink beer and fix the van with his mate. Time passed by and his Mother and friend were still there and no dinner in sight. I decided to make my own dinner and watch a movie while I waited.His best friend stayed until it was time for bed. I was devastated.

How hard is it to just message me telling me the plan. Did he not care about my feelings?? I went to bed very upset, crying. I told him I felt he didn't care. Like he wasn't in it. As a matter if fact, he confirmed that he no longer wanted another. He was no longer ready and he's sorry he lied to me. What am I supposed to do?? For the past 5 months I have been preparing for this. It's all I've ever thought about, dreamt about, talked about. Gone. Just because he's had another revolution. He then told me he just wanted some space, and we ended up dtd that night.

The next day, I still felt distraught. Yes I may have got what I wanted, but I wanted him to be in it too. Do I just go back to the thought of only having one kid and having all my hopes and dreams smashed all over again. I'm not sure I have it in me to do that again. It took me months to get passed the thought of only having one, the emotional trauma left me with alopecia and stress related illnesses, but I got passed it. I don't think my body can go through that again. This is very unfair. I've dedicated my life to making him happy and his dreams of being a photographer, and all I ask is for another child. Is it worth breaking up our Family unit for my selfishness?? Will I resent him for the rest of my life?? Will I ever get over this longing for another child?
0ll0Emerald0ll0 0ll0Emerald0ll0
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 17, 2014

Hi!
Im sorry to hear that, and hope you get your baby soon
I get what you are going thru, i want my dauther to have a sibiling, but my husband keeps saying no because we dont have enough money (we dont) i mean i know he will eventually get promoted, but if he wants to wait untill that happens to have a baby.. It could take years and i dont want to feel like i have 2 only childs because they will me many years apart