What if a large part of your life is built on secrets. Finding someone who accepts you as is, even with all the figurative "warts", is probably the most uplifting thing that can happen.
46-50, M
4 Responses Dec 19, 2007

Start today. Turn over a new leaf. Baby steps. If you have any fake profiles, create a new one with the true you. In real life, make new friends. Introduce them to the real you. See how people react. To have a friend, be a friend. To have someone accept you as you truly are, except them as they are, warts and flaws and all. Put your focus on helping others and you will soon worry less about your own issues.

Not sharing everything you know is not exactly the same as keeping secrets.<br />
Just because s/he has not told you (yet) does not make it a secret.<br />
If you are, say, 47... it would probably take 40 some years to tell every thing that you've gone through in life (come on people, we all want to explain why we did, what we did)<br />
Not telling something, does not make something a secret.<br />
However, that all changes when you are directly asked about any given topic and refuse to respond. It is at that point it becomes a "secret" if you do not tell.<br />
If you are going to say: accept me warts and all, of course they are going to ask, "well, what are your warts..."<br />
Perhaps you should consider leaving the warts behind (unmentioned) if you do not wish to talk about them.<br />
I, myself am a firm believer in "don't ask, if you don't want an answer." However, few people can live with "this subject is out of bounds."<br />
Trust me on this, they are ALWAYS going to want to go there.

this is a topic near and dear to me. I am married to someone whose life has indeed been built on secrets and deception. In addition, he is a very avoidant personality anyway. I can tell you that after 12 years of rather exciting and calamatous living together, which is often living a world apart for long periods of time, it feels as if I know him less than ever now! However, in my quest to understand all this, I've spent alot of time and effort on facing and learning about myself. I beleive that we may have stayed together for all this time -not because we share a mutual need for companionship, which he has told me he doesnt need, but because he needs me as a facade-to maintain some semblance of 'normalcy' in his decidedly abnormal life style. I on the other hand, now recognize that I've always wanted a true companion and a mutually respectful and caring relationship. For exactly this reason. Where I feel that our past of secrets and running and evasion creates a common thread and understanding. He denies that's possible- unless I actually walked in his shoes- which he wont allow anyway! I think the man truly has no idea about himself. I think society has a tendency to produce people who arent comfortable exposing themselves to the world and I think society also warps people's perceptions about what is healthy and 'normal' so we all tend to grow up feeling 'misunderstood' or simply good at 'keeping up appearances" . Isnt this simply training people to be hiders and deceivers? The 'public' perception is the new god of corporate society, indeed of most 'societies'. Very sad to me as I've discovered late in life that being comfortable and accepting of oneself is the best life lesson I've ever learnedl! And I'm still learning it. Kinda feels like revolutionary stuff! LOL Because being comfortable in ones own skin seems to give off a certain energy that often seems to threaten or bother others. UNLESS of course they themselves are comfortable with themselves!

Sometimes though, it's better to keep a small part of yourself yours alone. There's that saying "familiarity breeds contempt"