I Have Always Just Been A Body

It seems like every relationship I have ever been in it has just been about physical needs on the man's part. Every man I have been in a serious long term relationship I find myself becoming shrunken and valueless, absorbed by his strength instead of supported by it. I become internally broken the more I learn that the relationship is never going to matter that much. Even the man I was married to twice, who claimed he could not live without me,that he would rather be dead than to have to live without me, is now perfectly fine and over me after our divorce. I am not fine, I am not overr it. The pain of what happened with us is almost too much to bear sometimes. I have been in a state of severe depression since the other half of me had to go. It was my decision that he go because he let something else into his life that mattered to him more than me. He became a crack addict and eventually ended up cheating on me with someone he got high with. I couldn't live with what he was putting me through any longer.
Anyway, I'm off the subject. Now that I'm alone, 54 years old, somewhat overweight and with some health issues, I am finding that no man is interested in looking past my physical aspects to get to the inner gold mine that is me. I would love to have someone in my life that I could sit and have wonderful conversations with about life and what makes it this way or that way. I would love to have someone to hold me in his arms and be satisfied to end the night just that way. I would like for someone to actually want me for me and not for some selfish gain they have in mind, like a place to stay, when they meet me. I would like to be able to meet someone who I actually really matter to.   
I guess the world has become a hostile place for a woman like me to have what I desperately want. I have many years ahead to live this way.
anitag anitag
51-55, F
4 Responses Jan 14, 2012

i understand


I'm sorry for your pain and loss. There are so many women that suffer with abusive and addicted partners, that I am always awed by women who are strong enough to stand up to it and say "No! I won't live like that." I know it was hard leaving him, and I know that that the strength of character you showed will serve you well as you move on with your life.<br />
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Be kind to yourself. Fill that void with the love of friends and other family. Become engaged with life. Make fertilizer out of the **** he gave you and grow a beautiful garden. <br />
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I am praying that things work out for you.

Thank you for you sweet note. I appreciate all you have said. Especially the fertilizer part. ;)

I'm sorry for what you've been through *hugs*<br />
Please stop feeling like everyone only like you for your body, it's not healthy for yourself, and send the wrong message to other. Love yourself for who you are and other would love you too. I hpe you find Mr. Nice Guys who will like a queen, like you deserve

Thank you. I know it will all work out fine. I don't mind so much being alone. I just do get lonely from time to time.

Sorry dear,but you can be always be happy without a man around you,you know

i'm learning to like being alone. It is just 'those times' that come up occasionally. . .Thank you!