To Scared To Show The World

Why am I so scared? I just want to tell one person, one person close to me. I need to take one step in the right direction. One giant leap to becoming the real me.

I know several people I can trust with the truth, who I trust wont share it. But I still cant tell people I am a woman inside.

Why cant I share myself with people I trust?

I am at a point where it hurts more and more to stay a man. Most days I have dark fantasies of performing surgery on myself to correct it.Of turning myself into the woman I should be. I hate looking in the mirror, I hate what I see. The man in the mirror just taunts me with his cruel existence.

I don't know what will give first my fear giving way to a moment of bravery, or my will to go on. Who am I kidding?! My will died long ago. I would never commit suicide, it would be too cruel to the people I leave behind. But that doesn't mean I haven't fantasized about it. Fantisised about ending it all and being reborn as the woman I need to be.

Maddison, that’s my feminine name. And because I love my initials (M.G.M.) I’d change my middle name to Gail. Madison Gail Mo**** that is the name of the real me, the me I’m too scared to share with the world.

But beneath that I worry that even if I could be my real self, I still wouldn't be happy. That I’ll go from being a man miserable that I’m not a woman to a woman who’s just miserable. Either way I just wish I had the courrage to find out.
WettyHamm WettyHamm
22-25, T
Sep 19, 2012