My Darkest Days

As I type this, I don't know how long i get to live, what I am sick with and how long I have been sick for.
I have been getting tested for three forms of cancer for the last 4 months.
I find myself doing things that would normally terrify me and pondering life more in depth that ever before.
Because I look normal except for being pale my family forgets that on the days where my blood count is way off I sleep around ten to twelve hours.
There is a small window of time to live life, work, work out , study , wife, mother , and take care of me.
I don't sit back and feel sorry for myself, I fight even on my bad days.
I would just like to be heard when I say I'm sick today or I'm tired and not here ..." I'm hungry what's for supper, how come the laundry is not folded , etc.
Unlike everyone else who comes and goes for my domestic asylum , I am always cooking , cleaning , driving, entertaining.
I just want to sleep, to feel better, to be listened to when I say I'm scared,
To be held, to be told this will all be ok.
deleted deleted
26-30
2 Responses Dec 13, 2012

Hmmmm, I'm not a doctor, but in light of your other story about falling in love with someone you met online.. I wonder if you can relate to my concerns for my own health. Especially when I hear you saying you dont feel heard in your family. I have lately been blessed with some knowledge that these unmet needs ARE a sickness, or rather, a contributing factor in sickness. I encourage you to express yourself as much and as honestly as you can. Holding in your feelings has similarities to being undiagnosed.

You probably need to talk to your family about the fact that you need them to help you more. It's not always obvious....especially, if they are used to you doing everything.

You may have to let some of it go undone,then. It may also help to seek out assistance outside of your immediate family if they can't handle it. Perhaps you can find a support group or charity that deals with this sort of thing...or even friends might be of some help.

I just meant you shouldn't feel you have to do all that stuff when you are under the weather.