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Wouldnt It Be Nice

Why does it always seem like this--- you chase what you can't have- you want what you can't have--- & when you have it, you don't want it- or you don't appreciate it.

Its like this horrible human condition that exists.

This longing for someone to reeaaally know you.....I know that I have this with my ex. He has always known me and me him. In fact, I often feel he knows me better than myself. This is that person who will say what you dont want to hear, but need to hear. That knows just what to say to make you and everything seem better. An understanding of why I do what I do and an acceptance of it. We hug, and its like the world around us disappears.

Anyway, great, right, whats the problem. How wonderful, I have someone who knows me, who really gets me. ---I think when we think this "I long for someone to really know me" I think we think ---or I think---that it comes with love. That this will happen in a romantic relationship.

Thats the hope. I think.

But, for me, I find myself not sure I am in love with my ex anymore. I want to be- because we share this deep connection. I want to be because he is doing all the 'right' things. I want to because he is doing everything I ever wanted from him. I want to because he says he loves me and wants to be with me.

I left 7 months ago. We were together 10 years. There is a comfort. We've always had a deep bond, but it went unappreciated the entire time we were together. By both of us.

Now I see this, I feel it, It is profound, and amazing. But I am no longer in love. I cant force myself to feel it. I want to feel it so badly. But I dont. I wonder- maybe you won't feel what you assume you might because its been 10 years. The love will be different. But if Im honest- Im not in love. Im getting side tracked. My point is- now I see it, I can appreciate it, I always had the oppurtunity to fully be myself and be accepted but I was scared. So I didn't "take advantage" if you will...of this great gift of having someone really know you.

And now, I fear I will lose this and lose it forever. He wants to be with me, and over the 7 months I have told him many times move on- live your life. He does, and then most recently he told me- he has to try waiting for me, regardless of the outcome. That he would regret it if he didn't. Im so confused because I dont know what I feel. Im afraid if I cut all ties I will never experience this closeness again. and later in my life I will say to myself- you were so dumb you had everything you ever wanted and needed but were selfish-- feeling unfufilled and unsettled, searching for something that doesnt even exist, and completely miss an oppurtunity to live my life happily ever after.

Yes, there were reasons I left- im not ignoring or avoiding those. But sometimes I think- wow, we are really hard on our partners sometimes. We all have these expectations and often times forget to look at ourselves. We ignore and never resolve things that should be talked about, we let egos get in the way, we want more, we forget to be nice, we forget and get lost in the day to day. Anyway. I wish I could go back and somehow realize all these things while still in the relationship and in love. But it took me being out of the relationship and falling out of love to see it. sucks.
polkio polkio 26-30, F Jan 16, 2013

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