Today, Is The Beginning I Hope ...

When you entered my life again, I was careful. I was not open, but I was friendly. I didn't trust you, but you made me feel good with all your compliments and the way you made me feel as a person. We had the most amazing conversations, and you got under my skin. You told me you were in love with me. You said I was the only one you wanted, that you didn't want to be with her. I believed you. It made me feel so happy.

I fell in love with you, too. I never lied to you. I would have never hurt you. When I saw you again, everything was out of this world. The way you touched me, the way we laughed, the way we didn't have to do anything at all to be happy together.

When I found out you had lied about ***everything*** - that you were having a baby with her, that you were planning on marrying her after I had just been in your bed, when you had just told me you wanted to marry me, and only me. ... I still held onto you. I just wanted to have you, any of you. I felt sick. I was devastated. I'm still devastated. I have never felt this way. I have never laid in the shower and cried before. I have never just stared at the wall willing myself to keep breathing, because the pain was so severe. I've never been so low or had so little regard for myself.

Today, I got angry at you. I'm angry that you don't have a soul. I'm angry that you busted into my life and screwed everything up for anyone else, because I know it will never be as good as it was with you. Today, I'm finally starting to feel the strength to maybe look at you with disgust, pity ... to look at you and not melt. I hope for my sake I can hold onto it until I can finally rid you from every part of me.