My Little Angel

This is hard for me. I don't know if it will help, but it cant hurt any more than it does. I was pregnant with twin the last time. This was my third time and I knew some what was going to happen. The way I found out was a total surprise. I had been on that shot for almost six months but had to stop, I did not stop bleeding. I was sent to the hospital for an ultra-sound to check on a cist on one of my ovaries, the teck did what she had to do to check on that and she then told me like is nothing was happening, "Oh I see you are having twins," I almost fell off the table in shock, "What? How? Where?" was what I said and she looked at me and asked, "You did not know?" I told her, "I did not even know I was pregnant." She then told, "I can see why they are about six weeks old," I smiled I had always want four kids and twins even better. So I started going to the OBG and doing everything they told me, I was very high risk. 34 and diabetes where not good combo and add to that twins I was a bomb waiting to go off and it did on my third month ultra-sound. They had done a the normal ultra-sound and said to me that they needed a deeper one, this one was recorded and sent to a specialist after four day they sent me to a hospital that specialized in high risk and there they told me the worst thing in the world. I was told one of the twins would not live long after birth and then to add ever more pain they asked me to have an amniocenteses {I think that's how it is spelled} to check the other one to see if it was OK. I know the odds where little on losing the other because of that but I said NO! What had happen was during development baby b, who was up by my ribs, did not develop kidneys and the am-bio fluid was in the bladder making it impossible for the lungs to develop too. I was about to enter Hell in my opinion, the next six to seven months carrying two wonderful gifts and I might loss both and I know for sure one would not make it. I prayed even blood night, day and afternoon begging God or Who ever is the almighty to fix this and give me two healthy baby boys. I made deals with the Devil for my soul to save them, I told God to take me for the two of them. I became despaired and did everything I could do to save them. I think that made things worst they came two month early and I was about lose it. I was on the table having a c-section because baby a was breach. I heard as the first baby came out he yelled a minute after birth, then came the second baby. He never made a sound in the two in a half hours he lived for but he never left my arm. As I write this the pain is so strong my heart truly hurts like someone is driving a knife into it. After that I was a war with God, my thought were He can fix anything with a whisper but he let my baby died with out a word. I don't think I am still at where I was in my faith before Charlie's death and I dont know if I ever will and honestly I am not trying it hurt to much still.

Bansee Bansee
2 Responses Sep 1, 2009

I cant say I know what it feels like to have a baby die but I have lost my babies to DSS... I know what you mean about faith in god... They say he will never give you more then you can handle... If that is so why is there so many sucidies... I lost my faith shortly after my babies were taken from me...

I'm so sorry that you lost your boys! I nearly lost my boys in a car accident when they were very little and I have always been grateful that I didn't have to find out if it would have broken me if they'd died since they were just a few feet away but I couldn't help them because like them I was pinned. I truly wish that there was more I could do to help you as you deal with your loss. Maybe you will connect with others that know your pain and you will be able to draw strength from each other.