In 1992, I had a miscarriage - a son, I would later learn.

I had been told a year earlier that I couldn't get pregnant, at least not without the help of fertility drugs. My husband and I weren't ready for children, and were having marital problems anyway, so we were very careful. But I had been diagnosed with a condition that needed attention and one of the treatment drugs was hormonal in nature and I got pregnant. I was happy - my husband was not. I told him I would leave and have the baby alone - without a second thought. Not because I'm pro-life, but because I wanted this baby.

Within 10 days I had an ultrasound watching his heart beating and then he was gone.

Three days before I lost the baby, his spirit came to me in a dream to tell me he was leaving and that he loved me and that we would be together again someday. 

I lost him at 16 weeks gestation, in the middle of the night, alone. I ended up in shock on the living room floor with the phone in hand and a 911 dispatcher staying with me on the line until the paramedics arrived. 

I had barely been able to call my husband home (he worked nights) before I collapsed on the floor. He walked in and found me 30 seconds before the paramedics arrived. He told me later he thought I was dead, that I looked like I had died. Those words have stuck to me for a long time, and I had no idea that it would put me in survival mode for the last 15 years. But it has. Nothing like someone telling you they thought you were dead to make you fight for your life, huh? Or think that you have to fight for it - like I said - survival mode.

We've been divorced for 9 years. I don't have any contact with him and have no idea what he thinks about losing a son. I know that I honor my son every day, in some small way, and that helps me to heal a little bit with each year that passes.

I never got to hold my son - a regret I will carry to my grave. I was asked by the doctor if I wanted to, but I was so drugged up I said no, not being able to think straight. Not having a man with a spine at my side didn't help, either.

It was the most amazing, powerful 10 days of my life and I am grateful for every minute.

HappyHappyJoyJoy HappyHappyJoyJoy
41-45, F
3 Responses Dec 15, 2007

We lost 2 sets of twins, the second set after four months. I had talked to them and told them about taking them to the park and playing with them. They moved around inside my wife whenever I talked them, just like my daughter did, who is now 11 years old. I miss our twins though and the pain my wife went through, she still cries and misses them. And we are nearing a divorce, maybe the baby angels can come to our dreams and brig us back together with the love we felt when we made them.

What words of courage and empowerment you spoke of with such a tragic loss. My heart goes out to you, and I truly believe that although it may not be on this earth, you will hold you're beloved son. I too have lost children in utero, it hurts your soul. I'll tell you something though, just recently, last Dec. my 18 year old son was in a near fatal car accident. This was a child I have held, for the past 18 years. Seeing him in intensive care, in a coma, my God the feeling was so horribly intense. He had brain damage, after he woke up, when it came to Christmas time he was so frustrated he couldn't say Merry Christmas. The next week, wow, it was like a miracle, a second chance. He stareted walking and talking. Thank the good Lord, he's back being a pain in my ***. (being 18) Who knew love for a child goes so friggin' deep into your soul. I'm sorry for your loss, he knows... you know... you still have the ability to reach him, it's not horsepoop, I'm saying, a love that deep does NOT fade. Always remember him, and live your life to the very fullest so you have stories to tll him when you meet again.

I am sorry for your loss...<br />
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