Still Can't Get Over It......

In June of 2006, when my husband came back from Iraq, I was suprised to find out we were pregnant. After no birth control for 4 years of marriage it was finally true. I was so excited. I was 2000 miles away from home but felt I could do the pregnancy just fine. With stress from my husband's ex and his kids along with his PTSD, my BP went to 220/110 and the umbilical cord burst. My son died at 23 weeks, 5 days of pregnancy.
I had to deliver him naturally with no meds. He was beautiful, weighing 1lb, .04 oz and was 12 inches long. He would have been a big boy had he survived. I named him, had him cremated and my uncle who is a priest had a funeral ceremony and we buried him next to my uncle and grandpa with a headstone and everything.
That was the day I died too. I have not been the same and can't seem to go a day without thinking about him. I so want to have a child but one lady on a plane trip told me I couldn't conceive again until I learn to let him go. I know this however my circumstance is different.
My husband and I just got full custody of his son who is 12 so it is like starting out as a parent but not with a newborn. I have alot of anger about this situation since I am being a mom to a kid that isn't mine and the depression and thoughts of my loss are building up so much now that I can't stop being sad all the time. It has been almost 4 years and there for a while I was doing good with the loss but lately, mostly within the past month or so, I have been so emotional and just outright sad.
People tell me you will never forget the baby but you have to move on but how do I do that? I gave away all the clothes I had bought for him but still have a tote with a blanket, teddy bear and pictures of him. Should I get rid of that too? I have his footprints in my living room next to an angel, should I put that away too? It is as if I feel guilty for moving on. The other day I watched "Drop Dead Diva" for the first time and the episode was about moving on after a loved one dies and the question posed was would the person who died be proud of how you were acting? I doubt Michael would be proud of his mom. I need to let go but how can I do that?
kstjohn kstjohn
2 Responses Aug 25, 2010

hugs. I don't know what it's like to lose a child but it sounds like it may benefit you to seek help from a professional to deal with your loss. I wish you all the best.

I don't know what to say, there are no words, just here to love you and support you through it..<br />
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may god bless u always my friend..