Last Walk

Today I took my son's ashes to Starved Rock. He had a favorite remote canyon. I was with his mother and his wife. I had been moving for few days and was sore and stiff. Still, I carried his ashes along the long trail. I had walked many times wiht him down this trail. But I had never imagined I would be carrying him this way. On the way I was flooded with memories. When we got there, I set and watched 3 young people there playing in the waterfall and enjoying life. I kinow ROb would have smiled at them also. Then they left. Here ona Sunday in a crowded state park, we were alone. I know why my son liked this so well. I had walked upright carrying his ashes carefully and thinking of him with smiles for the memories. I could not do it as I opened the urn. His mother took a handful of his ashes and spread them. I and his wife did the same. I spread some in the water. It has been a draught and the waterfall so small. It was like the rocks were crying also. I remembered the day of his death and until the memorial serice, it rained a slow gentle rain like the wholeworld was mourning him. I spread some more of his ashes. Finally I could do it no more. His wife spread what the last of hte ashes in the water. Someday, that stream will carry him into the Illinois, then into the MIssissippi and to the gulf. I cried, We all 3 cried but walked seperately alone with our tears. He died April 21, 2011. Today is June 10, the week between my birthday and fathers day, But everything came back again. Just like it had Easter, Last year the 21st was the Thursday before Easter. I miss him and it hurts so much. We 3 came together and said a prayer and then walked the long trail back to the car. I was again sore and aching as I climbed up and down the rocks and then stairs as we exitted the canyon, I had to cplean my glasses a few times there and on the walk back. Now I am alone in front of my computer, thinking maybe someone will will understand. I know no one will ever see his smile, hear his sarcastism or his great wit. But I knoiw also he lives in the hearts of the many peole he touched andhelped through his life. Last year I heard from many who he let behind his impish shield and reached out and touched their souls to enrich their lives. Although he has accomplished much and I have some of his trophies and copies of all his music videos, I was always most proud of him for who he was not what he did. I do not knowif today is the last good bye. Or if the waves of grief will again overwash me. But I know he will live in my heart and mind always. And always there will be that empty part that longs to set and talk with him again.

My tears are flowing, I cannot write more, I am nto sue what I wrote nor why, but here it is,
demorcan demorcan
61-65, M
3 Responses Jun 10, 2012

You shared this because you had to. I have done the same. My husband and I lost our 18 year old son December 3, 2014 from a car wreck. It was horrible and we are 6 months out and it still feels like that day. I am sending prayers to you and your family.

As a Mother, I can feel your pain and your grief. I have lost loved ones, but thankfully not one of my sons. I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow.

My friend, I send you my love and friendship; I can not ever imagine how hard it must be to lose a child; the love and respect you showed him by going to that speacial place, coupled with your wonderful memories, means that he will never truly be gone from your life - he lives on, not only in your memories, but in the memories of those who knew him, and also now, in the minds of those on EP who will read this post.... you made him 'real' and I am sorry that the world has lost someone kind and funny and caring, as you have described. It was an honour to read your post as a tribute and honour to him. Thank you for sharing this heartbreakingly beautiful expereince with us. Hugz, my friend, x