Sids Mom

I had never heard that expression, SIDS MOM. I lost my first born child to SIDS. I woke up and she was lying next to me dead. At first I thought she was asleep but I felt something was wrong. I shook her and she didnt move. I pulled her leg and she was limp as a ragdoll. I tried CPR... All I got was some white stuff to come from her nose. I was terrified. My whole world crashed. To make it even worse when the police arrived they treated my husband and i as if we had did something. They threatened to arrest my husband becasue he was yellling and emotional. I prayed and prayed for God to bring my child back. She did not come back. At the hospital I remember them bringing us into a room and telling us they couldnt revive her.  They led us to see her body. She was only 4 mo and 28 days old. My child, my firstborn lying there... the walk out of that hospital seemed to take forever. my breast were swollen with milk with no child to feed. The police wanted to question us. My husband went to the police station but I didn't. The police questioned my cousin and her 4 year old son who was at the house visiting at the time. They asked if we did drugs. I finally went to the police station after they (the police) kept asking. They wanted to know why I didnt want to come. I looked and them and said.."my baby is dead." well they started an investagation. when i went back to my house ( i went to my granny's when we left the hospital) I had found that the police had cut the material from my matress(they said they wanted to test the substance). It was the "stuff" from when I did CPR. They turned my couch over, they went into my child's room and pulled her clothes out of her drawers and tossed them to the floor. they ramshaked my house as if we were common criminals. They treated us with such disrespect. I was too emotional then to fight back. I was consumed with grief. Finally after the autopsy they left us alone. No apology...nothing... just a feeling of emptiness and a whole in my heart and a longing for  my child.

Abriee Abriee
36-40, F
5 Responses Aug 2, 2008

they did that to me and my husband too after we lost our son

i lost my son Westin to SIDS 5-13-10 he was 3 months your story is exactly like mine i woke up one morning to find my son dead. i looked over and went to pick him up (already having a weird feeling) he was cold,a lil blue and lifeless. i paniced and woke my husband up screaming "Westins not breathing" he jumped up and automaticly started CPR...and after a min he looked up at me and sayed "baby he's gone" i cant describe how it feels to hear thoes words about ur sweet baby. i felt hopless,scared,alone...i heard the ambulane and the rushed him away. im screaming in confusion just knowing "there's no way please god dont do this, please just let me have my little boy back" "i cant live without him please god" as the cops treat me and my husband as if we had hurt our own sweet sweet angel! and all i can think about is my son and just paying attion to praying! after they took us to the hospital all i cant remember is the doctor walking tworreds me down that long hall way...( i could tell by the exspression on her face) i ran to her saying please dont say it please tell me he is ok?..."im sorry miss we tried all we could , shot him up with adrenalin, cpr, there was no rhythem to bring back" i was a lost soul, my mind wouldnt let me belive it was true. when we left that hospital with out or son it was like not knowing exactly what to do with our and my husband couldnt even talk i was like a vombie...(dead). the obtopsie came back sids...i was thankfull on one hand because we really didnt know what happend...did he cry for me,..did he suffacate, did he suffer?i could not and would not bear the idea of knowing it was something i could have stopped but after i found out it was sids i got angery woundring did the doctors not look good enough, did god take him because of something i did wrong? all at once i cought myself asking (why) alot. how could god take my baby knowing thats all i had in life he was my everything my world my moon and sun! he was my reason in life! two days after the funeral that morning would not stop runing through my head..i couldnt take it anymore i needed to be numb. i fell hard on drugs taking anything and everything just to keep my mind off of it. i would take anything anyone would hand me...untill one day my mom came to our house and told me" i am not and will not leave here without you" my mom saved my life and i am so very his funeral i told my son "i will see and hold you again one day" i would never get to say that again if my mom didnt save me! and now it has been 2 months i have been sober, i went through a month alone of withdrawl off of methadone, meth, and herion. it was pain full but it was my son that i kept in my head. everytime i wanted to go buy something i though of him! and now i can honestly say "i will see and hold you again one day" ...and so now im just trying to learn how to griev for my son..ill be honest sometimes i feel like i dont know how to griev. but i will get there one day! <br />
so i want to say thank you gentle touch because you showed me that yeah there are people out there who knows how i feel! and i want u to know this is my first time telling my story to anyone and i feel as if i have had a hundred pounds lifted off of that thanks goes to you! <br />
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sinserly Kelsea Janes! was very difficult. I miss her dearly.

I agree with pattythebelle's comment. The police had no right to complicate your grief with their callous, unnecessary actions. It's horrible to hear how they mistreated you and your husband while you two were going through a very traumatic experience!! <br />
I also understand how you felt: being consumed with grief. Losing a child is a very painful, life-changing experience. I lost a child to stillbirth during my 7th month of pregnancy. She would have been 22 years old this month if she would have lived. Shortly after her death, I joined a support group of parents who had lost their children to miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death and SIDS. I'm glad I did, because it helped me through one of the most difficult experiences of my life. <br />
Thank you for sharing your story, Angela. You're a very strong person for enduring the loss of your baby. I hope you and your family have recovered from the grief... though a 'mother never forgets'. Your little girl will forever be in your heart.

Oh, I am totally at a loss here. I can't imagine the pain you went through losing your baby. <br />
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We are here in a physical body for a very short time, But our souls go on forever.......