An Open Letter to the Friend I Lost

"I don't know if she is on here...I doubt it...but maybe...

Even if she is not, these are things that I need to say, but saying them to her may not be in her best interests...may hurt her or anger her....this is about how I feel, so I thought I would share here...First, do no harm...that I have already done....Second, do no more harm....that's why I'm here."

Dear J -

It's been 9 months and not a word has passed between us.  We have managed to avoid birthdays, Christmas and New Year's without a peep.  The fact that this island is small and you live with my in-laws means we are both going out of our way to avoid one another.  Good work on both our parts, I guess.

Moving here was traumatic for both of us.  And when I got here, I was pretty overwhelmed and consumed with my own issues:  my mother, my husband, my illness, being 5,000 miles away from anywhere on a rock in the middle of the Pacific...the list goes on....I know that you were hurting, as well.  And you complained to me many times in those first few weekd and months that I wasn't being the same friend I used to be.  All true...Guilty as charged.  I wasn't up for it. 

But, J, can you see that the same was true for you?  You weren't there for me either?  Sure, you talked to me, but only in that biting, sarcastic way you ususally reserve for stupid people.  You kept demanding that I "snap out of it," but I just couldn't.  It matters not whether you believe depression is real.  The fact that you saw a therapist for a while seems to indicate that you do, but why so harsh with me?  Why did you expect more from me than what you expected from yourself?  You didn't just "snap out of it."  You had help.  You had my husband's family to support you.  Even my husband did not have that.

What is done is done.  It cannot be undone, or even forgotten.  I suppose eventually the anger will go away.  I don't seethe at the mention of your name anymore.  Now, I am mostly curious about how you are.  As for you, I can only speculate.  I suppose that's part of the purpose for the letter...to see where you are, and how you are.

J, I miss my friend.  The one I stayed up with late into the night.  The one who could kick my *** at Scrabble with half her brain behind her back.  I miss you.

But, I realize that getting that back is not that simple, and maybe not even possible.  Getting that back means both of us being willing to let go, forgive and take a chance that the other will not betray us again.  I don't know how willing you are to do that.  Sometimes things are best left alone.  This may be one of them.

All I can tell you, is that I would like a chance to put the past behind us and rebuild our friendship.  But, the fact that I am leaving this island and going home may make that impossible.  It appears that you are comfortable here and plan to stay.  E-mail and cards are ok.  And if that's all we ever get, then it's better than what we have now.

I am sorry, J.  No excuses.  No trite explanations.  No justifications.  I am just sorry.

And I miss you.

A,

"So who knows if she sees this or not.  Any comments?  Is this worth sending?  Or should I just leave it here - knowing that I got a chance to say what I wanted to say, just not to her?" 

SerenitySeeker SerenitySeeker
41-45, F
1 Response Mar 2, 2009

It may hurt or anger her, however you have such a history with your friend, what do you have to loose. Maybe you two can work threw this, you never know. I have lost friends in the past, I wish I would of been the one to make the first move , instead of letting it go. Its hard to find a good friend anymore, when you find it, you need to treasure it. Im still learning not to put a wall up and not let peaple in for I dont get hurt anymore. 9 months later you still care, talk to her-you have nothing to loose, good luck!