Taint

The great things about friendship is that you can stop being close to them without the strange guilt that comes with ex-communicating family members.  I have a theory about why we feel those pains over family, related to societal and survival programming.  There are 3 friends I have cut out of my life since being an adult.  Two of them should have been cut off far before, but that whole "history" thing got in the way.  The third is a sad story of what happens when I try to "love" my friends new mates when my instinct tells me other wise.  I had a friend that I had a lot in common with.  We had great times for many years.  She had a few issues that I kept in the back of my mind.  She had been in some abusive relationships.  She had self-esteem issues that she kept at bay with humor and a rational mind.  When she first brought him over to meet us I simply thought he was a pompous ***.  My husband never wanted to see him again.  He has this weird ability to hate people on first glance and see the faults in them that will cause me to eventually feel the same.  I have a tendency to look for the good traits that I can latch onto and expand into a connection.  He was bright and witty, but had a superiority complex it was hard to ignore and brush off.  My friend became reserved where as she was very interactive before.  Dinners with them turned into him and I sparring over debates while she sat in the sideline.  She came over crying one day because he had said to her,  "I love you, it is just that my ex-girlfriends were so much more beautiful."  I am all up for honesty, but if you aren't attracted to someone or feel they aren't the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, with all the versions of what that word can mean, then you need to leave.   After that she started on her eating disorder stage.  She was within normals already, so this whole "I'm being healthy" crap was in her head.  When he was cheating on her I gave my honest opinions of which she had to agree were rational.  She always went back.  The week before the wedding she came over crying about some other girl and I told her I didn't want to give my opinion.  I knew that no matter what I said they were going to get married in a week.  A wedding that I was going to have to be a maid-of-honor in and then give a toast.  I don't like it when people want my opinion so that they can set me up as the "bad guy" in the future.  The wedding was nice, as far as those things go.  It was her choice her life.  At this point in life I believed that I should try and be kind to damaging people because it is a person my friend has chose to love.  I am of a different mind now.  We used to have philosophy meetings.  We would all gather together and discuss a philosophical topic that we read some articles on.  It was really fun.  Well a month after the wedding my grandma died and it was really hard on me.  I had been in the UK for two weeks and then had to fly out to watch her die for a week the day I got back.  A few weeks after all that we had a philosophy meeting with the subject of authoritarian government.  The conversations would degenerate into personal attacks and I would usually put a hold on it and we would all step back.  I had so much personal volatility from the recent events that when he threw a personal attack, I threw one right back.  If I would have to confess to a skill it would be that I can cut people with very few words.  So suddenly in the middle of laughing and conversation he shouts for me to get out of his house.  We all thought he was joking and just laughed.  Next thing I know he gets up and takes the note papers out of my hand and throws them against the wall and stands in front of me telling me if I don't get out right now he doesn't know what he will do.  It takes me a moment to realize what is happening.  When I do, I stand up and tell him he needs to calm down because he is going to regret this.  Now for the rest of the world saying that means that he is going to reap some kind of revenge upon himself for doing this.  What it means in my mind is that he is going to feel even more shame and self-loathing for hitting me than he already feels right now for threatening it.  I tell him that emotions can get carried away and we all need to step back and see this more calmly.  He is yelling in my face and my friends grab my arm and we all head for the door.  That is the correct thing to do, but in my mind I hadn't thought of it.  I was looking at my friends face and how she wasn't doing anything and thinking that this was the end.  I really hadn't wanted it to end this way.  I should have cut this off long ago.  I am not one of those stand by your man types.  If my husband does something I believe is morally wrong I will call him out on it and have.  Some things can be ambiguous, but this wasn't one of them in my eyes.  If he ever physically threatened one of my friends male or female it would be the end or massive therapy time on his part.  So the crazy man sent an immediate apology email.  One that included the phrase, "now you know what buttons not to push with me so we should be able to avoid this in the future".  Apologies with threats at the end aren't acceptable to me and I really did some soul searching for a bit.  They wanted to come to the Halloween party a month later and I was kind of for it, mend the fences so to say.  The hubby put the smack down on that.  He doesn't have good temper control and it could have turned out poorly.  We had some pretty harsh emails go back and forth after that.  She resorted to name calling and expressing things that were supposedly "wrong" with me.  My final email said that I wasn't going to call her names because I have nothing but love for her and name calling is pointless.  I told her that it saddened me that she didn't feel she could express these things to me openly, because I would have freely discussed it.  I hoped she wouldn't taint her memories of the years we had with the hatred and anger.  That day was what it was, but so were the years of wonderful friendship and love. I hope the best for her and for him.

Krypton Krypton
31-35, F
2 Responses Apr 25, 2009

I have lost friends that will never have another friend like me. They have never valued the friendship as I have. Never.

That is great that you were looking out for your friend despite the circumstances. From the sounds of your story, it sounds as though she has given him complete control and influence over her, yes? <br />
I am sorry you lost a great friend. But maybe the future will allow you both to cross paths again, but in a positive state. Hopefully she will come to realization.