My Life, My Love, My End.

I am like most, I have a sad story that ends in a sad way... I was married to a wonderful man, that was an addict...I loved him with all my heart, and still do... I like most loved ones, didn't understand his addiction till it was too late... I thought because I didn't have a problem, that he could walk away from his... I was so wrong... My husband had a severe illness, called Narcolepsy, which is treated with amphetamines... He worked 32 years for a company on swing shift...He couldn't get a sleep pattern down... The meds only worked so many years till he became a full blown addict... His fight to have a normal life ended in death... When his addiction to his meds. turned into street drugs, he lost the battle... But not till he had lost everything he had...He became violent, and dangerous to be around.... He started seeing and hearing things that weren't there...He pulled a gun one night, wasn't the first time he had pulled his gun on me, but it was the last... I had to have him arrested, you could see it in his eyes that he wanted me dead... He had lost all reasoning on his addiction... I begged the courts to get him help, I cried and begged louder then anyone could... But the courts were smarter then I was....They see it often, I saw it only with him... I love him still, because I knew he was ill, and this was not the loving man I had married... Slowly everyone walked away, no one wanted to deal with it... I was left alone to deal with the clean up of everything that had happened, once he was arrested... I filed for divorce, lost my homes, my credit, my education, but mostly I lost the man I had spent most of my life with...The divorce went on for months, over a year and a half... But there was no hope in the end... I was still the only one wanting to get this man help...after divorce, I spoke to him... one time during divorce I spoke one sentence, which was...No I don't want the divorce, get help! After divorce, I was escorted to his door to give him a pet that he loved...I had a 5 year restraining order on him... Police were always there when I had to contact him... but I made a mistake and I took the cage to his apartment, I saw he was not angry...He was as broken as I was...So we talked and he cried, which made me want to fix him even more...I still was in denial of what was happening... we had 8 months after divorce, and in those 8 months, he had two more episodes of anger that scared me to death... the last one was 4 weeks before he died... He had tried to run me over with his truck...I didn't want to see him anymore after that, I had enough to tell me I was going to die at his hands...I didn't realize till almost two years after he died that he had been taking Meth, His family was more then glad to help out with his addiction... I was not called nor told anything, I received a call from my sister asking if I knew he had died...She read it in the paper... I lost my heart that day, screaming No God, Why? for over an hour... I felt the guilt of not talking to him, felt it was my fault... Left everyone I loved behind and curled up with my pain... I spent the next year almost two alone and broken, blaming myself for not being able to hang in there for him...This Christmas I had gotten through better then the last, but not for long... days before Christmas, I found out his brother had been busted for running a meth lab... My fears were confirmed... I feared there was another hand in his death... My pain was let back out to again consume me... I fought for 20 years to keep this man alive, to loose everything we had... to almost loosing my life...To find out the family that said they loved him the most, were the ones that killed him... he was only with them lest then 2 years, and the 20 years I took to keep him alive was over... My life was just a memory now... and not a very good one... I am picking up the pieces, but to be honest, I don't know if I have the energy... I didn't understand addiction, and I don't understand the family that helped him use... If you love someone, do you really think keeping his addiction going is the way to show it? I think not.... But then I was wrong for not letting him get high... or so they told me...Abuse is the worst of an addicts addiction on a loved one...And No it was not my fault...the only blame I have is I enabled him to continue to abuse me, because I didn't walk away sooner... I couldn't have stopped his dieing, but his dieing stopped me from wanting to live... I don't wish this on anyone, and all I can say is... Get help, Get God, no other way out of the pain... Blessings to all, it is a journey I never want to take again---<---@

Even Addiction Needs Love