Watching A Loved One Lose Life

Hi, My name is Nichole. I lived my life as any 21 year old female would. I had a great life, had a off and on relationship with my mother and was learning how to life on my own. I loved my father although I barely saw him because he had a very strong addiction to heroin all of my life so I let it be in gods will to let him live his life as I did mine. The last time I talked to him I was a teen and he called me asking if I even wanted to speak to him. At that time I finally knew what his addiction was ( as I was sheltered before from it) and I thought it was best I did not speak to him so I told him no and hung up. That was the last time we ever spoke. I got a phone call one october night from a family member, telling me my father was losing his life in a hospital in my states capital and I should go over there to say my last peace. She told me he was dying from AIDS complicated illness of Pneumonia. I was so confused. I did not know he had AIDS and why did no one tell me he did. I could of made amends with him, I could of told him I did love him. I could of held his hand throughout this struggle he faced alone. I was tormented.

I got there and he just did not look like himself from the last time I saw him ( I was 12). He was frail, thin and ghostly looking. He also was in a medical induced coma and could not respond. The night nurse told us the news. He would not make it through the night. She also mentioned he can hear although it seems like he is sleeping. After my other two siblings made their peace (before I got there) it was my turn. I held his hand and at that moment all of the hostility I had built up inside my disappeared and I found myself melting back into a helpless little daddys girl crying uncontrollably. I told him I loved him very much and I always did and I forgave him for everything he did and that it was time to let go of the pain and be with god. I kissed his forehead and told again that I loved him, and that is when he went.. The nurse mentioned she thought he probably waited until I got there to go and that made me cry more but I knew he was not suffering anymore.

To this day I have so many resentful feelings crawling inside of me. I feel hurt, betrayed, confused and somewhat lost as to why he suffered from AIDS alone for almost 20 years. For me, I am still mourning after 2 years since his death but now I am educating myself about this disease so I can feel much better. I am currently doing a portfolio project on this for my human services class to help educate others so maybe this ignorance of those who dont even know much about AIDS could stop. One day I hope to move on from the pain I constantly feel. As of right now what gets me by is other peoples stories too and knowing my father is at peace.
NicholeFletcher NicholeFletcher
22-25
3 Responses Dec 11, 2012

Sorry for your loss. I to lost a loved one to aids, my brother. I commend you for wanting to learn more and teach others about aids. I believe your dad was waiting on u to be able to move on, I'm glad u went and got to tell him u love him and forgave him. I know u will work through this. I know it wasn't easy for u, the hardest part is also watching the way aids takes over from the person they was to the person they become. I hope u aced your project :) thank u for sharing your story I pray your doing well.

Sorry for your loss. I to lost a loved one to aids, my brother. I commend you for wanting to learn more and teach others about aids. I believe your dad was waiting on u to be able to move on, I'm glad u went and got to tell him u love him and forgave him. I know u will work through this. I know it wasn't easy for u, the hardest part is also watching the way aids takes over from the person they was to the person they become. I hope u aced your project :) thank u for sharing your story I pray your doing well.

I hope you continue to grow and use this as somewhat of a positive for you.. Take it, learn, grow, and hopefully use that growth and knowledge to help others.