My Adam 3-14-2012 Rip My Sugar

I don't know where to begin. I lost my boyfriend Adam two weeks ago he took his life with a shotgun to his mouth. I found him dead on his living room floor the morning he did it. I am sufferinng everyday because of it. I don't know why he did it i didnt even expect it I saw him 7 hours before it happened I didn't know this was coming. I am hurt, confused and lost. I cry non stop everyday. I miss the hell outta him. I call his phone to hear his voice i text him I look at pictures I am just here now. My mind has left me I feel like I am a zombie I am physically here but mentally gone. I don't know who to turn to and I completely isolated myself from the world. I often look to the sky and ask If you could hear me are u happy now? while he is no longer suffering I am left here to suffer without him. Didn't he know I loved him? He was the light of my life he was my everything and more. We had so many good times together and so much laughter! I was always there when he needed me. I was thoughtful What went wrong??? I hate this;( what do you do when you see the person u love dead? I want to see him so bad to hear his voice to have him hold me and look into my eyes and kiss me like he use to. I guess my time wasn't worth staying alive for. Idk I am lost soooo very lost
vrio85 vrio85
5 Responses Mar 27, 2012

I'm deeply sorry for your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I just lost my younger brother in 2011 to suicide he shot himself with my gramps 22 pistol in the head. I can imagine the pain, loss and suffering you feel. My younger brother was the light of my life, and I miss him terribly.

My prayers go out to you . And him. Sounds stupid but time will make it easier. But never forget and he is with you always

Dear vrio85,<br />
I feel your pain and hurt. First I watched my mother die of cancer. We were very close and she was my best friend. I watch her as the cancer ripped up her body. On the day see died I told her I loved her and she smiled and said she loved me too. I went home to take as shower just a mile away. She died just a minute before I returned. <br />
Secondly, I have a nephew who served in Iraq. He saw and did things that haunt him today. He does not speak much about that. But it is eating him alive. His life is so screwed up now because of that. The things our military does for the sake democracy it nothing to be taken lightly. I am one person who says thank you Adam for your service. My prayers are with you as you attempt your recovery from your loss. Me.

thank you so much. I found Adam just 45 minutes after he took his life. I miss him and will never forget that day.

That is such a terrible thing for you to have gone through. I wish I could tell you it will go away but it won't. I have been on accident scenes where people lost their lives. I can still see them and that's been over 30 years ago. Honey, love the good times remember them. I think it was what he did in the service that caused him to take his life. Nothing you did or didn't do. My step dad served in ww2 and in Korea. He still has dreams about that time and he is 90. Again I am here for you to talk to if you like. If you like we can do it through messaging. Me.

I am truly sorry for your loss! I lost a loved one too, to a gunshot wound to the head. It is TRAUMATIZING!!!! You are still in shock. It has been 6 months since my loss. I too feel like I am still going through the motions of life. I do not feel like a zombie so much now. I do feel like I live in a fog. I found a book on Amazon called "Surviving in the wake of a Suicide" it was somewhat helpful. I learned that survivors grieve slower than someone who has lossed someone to a non-suicide death. The process takes longer. That is what we are the surviviors and it hurts. It is a scar you always carry, but the pain becomes manageble. I can tell you from my experience a big part of the scar is never knowing WHY!!!! Just know it wasn't your fault! I spoke to my loved one 2 hours prior to the death. I know exactly how one can go through the "If only I .... " There are no words I can offer to you to ease the pain you are feeling. Just know that you are not alone in your pain! I commend you for sharing! It is the first step to begining the long road of healing. Please do not discount talk therapy at this time. The soul aching depression is crippling and so it the faulty mindset. You are not crazy and neither was your boyfriend!!! KNOW that! He was suffering from depression which is as orgainic in nature as being a diabetic. I wish there was more I could say. I am still trying to pick up my own pieces. Just know you are not alone as alone as you may be feeling! Hang In There and take care of you !!!

Yeah its been really hard on me to accept he's gone. Somedays I feel like he's here but, out of town. I miss him alot. Words can't describe how I feel right now. I'm just lost. Anyway thanks for writing me.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I experianced the similar situation different loved one. I know the pain and doubt you feel. It has been 12 years since my loss yet I feel it weekly still. I do mean every week. I can not tell you when the pain goes away. I can only tell you I know it gets better. I am new to this site and am sorry to see how long ago you posted. <br />
I hope you have gotten to the point that you accept this was not your fault!!!!!!!!!! KNOW THAT IN YOUR HEART!!<br />
It is the truth. As much as we want to take away a loved ones pain, sometimes we just can't. There is no ryme or reason it was just fate. Trust that your boyfiend is in a better place. That is all you can do now. Don't stay stuck in this place. It is dark and hurtful to you... Enjoy what you can everyday now. See the sun shine and know that it is for you. Feel the rain on your face and know it takes away the pain and emotness you feel.<br />
Day by day. That's what you need to do for you now.<br />
In deepest understanding,