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I Love You So Much, And Wish I Could Have Fixed Whatever Was Wrong. I Love You.

Well, honestly this happened yesterday, August 7, 2012 . I need to talk about this with people who know how bad it hurts. How you feel like you can't breathe, time is slow, memories running through your head. I guess I should explain what happened. My 22 year old brother went to his friends house about 30 miles north of us, on August 6th. Yesterday, August 7th, my mother started screaming from her room, I ran in there to find her screaming, "My son can't be dead!" My brother bought an illegal firearm and went into his friends bathroom and shot himself. My brother was only 22. He didn't get to live, he didn't get to do anything. He was so young and full of life. So why would he do this? I love him so much, and I NEVER told him. I regret all of my mistakes, and I would give ANYTHING to be able to convince him to not do this. I just want him to walk through my front door. I want my big brother back.
Hanna3990 Hanna3990 16-17, F 2 Responses Aug 8, 2012

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Hanna i'm so sorry to hear this and even tho i'm a lot older than yourself i feel every little piece of your pain my partner hung himself on the 3rd aug and i had to tell me 14 yr old daughter it was the maddest thing i have ever had to do. Like yourself we just want him to walk through the door he's not even been buried yet it's the hardest thing in the world to accept. Please remember people are with you but only those that have experienced this will ever UNDERSTAND . Sending you lots of love and peace. xxx

I'm so sorry and I know your hurting. There is nothing anyone will be able to say that will help right now. The pain is to fresh for that. I know what it's like though and I can tell you that the pain will fade with time. I don't think it will ever completely go away though. My son killed himself and it's been a year since I found out. I still hurt when I think about it, but it's not so crushing now as it was for me then. I know what it's like to feel like you are to blame, that the walls are crushing you in, you can't eat, can't sleep, can't breath, function, or smile. The pain feels like a blackness that surrounds you. I know. But please know that this was not your fault. There are questions you might have that may never be answered. All you can really do is remember him for who he was and carry him in your heart.