"If Only"

He was our oldest brother, my hero, and the sibling I was closest to - my touchstone. I knew he was an alcoholic and getting sicker. I just didn't know what to do since he wouldn't talk to me about any of it. I guess he didn't want to ask his little sister for help. Neither did he accept any help I offered. Still, the "If only" thought goes through my head.  If only I had pushed, if only I had gone to see him (he lived in another state) and tried to talk to him somehow I could have saved him. I know this is most likely not true, but I will never know. There's the rub. I will never know exactly what happened.  This is what we know...  He was in an extremely unhappy relationship with an abusive woman. They had a child together and he loved her more than anything.  But he was an alcoholic for years and his health was being affected by it. He tried rehab and stopping himself many times. He never mentioned suicide or anything like it to any of his family or friends. He was doing well with one month sober and was even running for president of his local union. Then on a Tuesday he left the house to go to a union meeting and no one saw him alive again. His car was found by the river and three weeks later his body was found on a little island in the river.  I personally had not talked to him in two months because he never called me back or answered my emails anymore.  Anyway, mostly I have healed.  It is sad and I miss him. I wish... Well, a lot of things.  I just still get that "If Only" thought still, four years later. He was a wonderful person and I will miss him forever.

soonermom soonermom
41-45, F
4 Responses Jun 25, 2008

I didn't know what to do for my brother, I knew he had a drinking problem. After trying to help him for more than 40 years my father had finally waved the white flag because my brother wouldn't acknowlege he had a problem. The ball was in my brother's court we were powerless.

I am saddened by what I have just read. Suicide leaves a trial of unanswersed questions. And it leaves those who are left behind with so much devasation. I am sorry you lost your brother.

hey, I am commiting suicide and am aware that it causes alot of pain to family. But you see, i believe it is for the best. I am constantly reminded by peers, officials, teachers, and family that i am incompetent or "retarded" like. And i do agree i am, i have stuff like dyslexia and ADD. However, you can call me insane for even I admit and suggest this metnal illness i have, making my mind resort to self destrctive self harm tendencies is in fact insane. My problem is, I love my family very much, it is there well being that i am still alive, but i simply cannot take life and do not understand the concept of being kept around to suffer in my own mind and life just to keep them happy. Please, tell me your experience. I am afraid my quest for suicde is non negotiable, but I will not die in ignorance and want to die knowing the pain that will be suffered by others. I am aware i will be missed by those close, but my reasoning for this is logical, and inevitable. I have been suicidal since i was a boy and it has continued on through life and i have had almost succesful attempts.

Read Lori's Story<br />
www.Drugawareness.org/recentcases/suspicious-suicide-of-sister<br />

I understand how you feel... I have personally lost one to suicide and the "if only" question runs constantly through my mind. <br />
<br />
Take care, <br />
all the best to you