"If Only"

He was our oldest brother , my hero, and the sibling I was closest to - my touchstone. I knew he was an alcoholic and getting sicker. I just didn't know what to do since he wouldn't talk to me about any of it. I guess he didn't want to ask his little sister for help. Neither did he accept any help I offered. Still, the "If only" thought goes through my head.  If only I had pushed, if only I had gone to see him (he lived in another state) and tried to talk to him somehow I could have saved him. I know this is most likely not true, but I will never know. There's the rub. I will never know exactly what happened.  This is what we know...  He was in an extremely unhappy relationship with an abusive woman. They had a child together and he loved her more than anything.  But he was an alcoholic for years and his health was being affected by it. He tried rehab and stopping himself many times. He never mentioned suicide or anything like it to any of his family or friends. He was doing well with one month sober and was even running for president of his local union. Then on a Tuesday he left the house to go to a union meeting and no one saw him alive again. His car was found by the river and three weeks later his body was found on a little island in the river.  I personally had not talked to him in two months because he never called me back or answered my emails anymore.  Anyway, mostly I have healed.  It is sad and I miss him. I wish... Well, a lot of things.  I just still get that "If Only" thought still, four years later. He was a wonderful person and I will miss him forever.