My Baby Sister

I lost my beautiful baby sister back in 1999.  She was 21 years old.  I remember praying to G-d as a child to give me baby sister and at age 11 I got one.

She was beautiful and precious.  I would have done anything for her.  During her teen years, something awful happened to her that should never happen to any woman.  She changed and her life spun horribly out of control.

She had 2 little sons (I have never gotten to meet them and do not know where they are).  It hurts me that they'll never know their mother and what a wonderful person she was, no matter what she went thru later in life.

I don't know the full details.  I was living across the country from her at the time of her death.  All I know was that she was at a club with a guy.  They were drinking and doing drugs and started fighting.  They went to his truck.  He had a gun in the glove compartment and she pulled it out and shot herself in the head.

I don't know if all this is true.  I don't want to believe that.  I would rather believe that this guy did this to her.  I don't know...I think it would be easier on me if she was killed by him than if she committed suicide while under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

I've never gotten over this.  I've always felt I let her down.  I know that I didn't have anything to do with it but the guilt of what if stays with me.

What if...I'd never moved away?  What if...I'd been there to try to get her to give up the drugs and alcohol?  What if...there was some way I could have traded places with her?

All these what if's...there are many more.  I miss you Vickie...I love you.  I've sat at your grave for hours just talking to you, wanting and believing that you can hear me and that you're answering back in some way.

I'll never forget you no matter how much time passes and the hurt of losing you never fades away.

Roaring20s Roaring20s
41-45, M
6 Responses Dec 27, 2008

everyone here PLEASE READ LORI'S STORY.<br />
LET ME KNOW<br /><br />
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Wow, that's really weird, um do you believe she commited suicide? I just posted a story about my ex, and I don't know, there's so many unanswered questions, about him. I don't know, I mean wow, that's crazy. Even if she did commit suicide, why didn't this guy do anything to stop her?

It is healing to me too. The planning of it is very depressing but afterward, I always feel so much better about myself and the day.<br />
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It's not something that I look forward to doing but I'm always glad I did it.

I'm glad you've developed a special, almost sacred practice that helps you feel closer to them.<br />
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My special spot isn't the cemetary, but a place where we spent time in life. But, I do the same thing-- sit and talk. Listen. Feel their presence. It's been very healing for me.

I beleive that too Datura. Every time I go home, I have one day that is set aside for nothing but visiting the dead. Sounds morbid, I know. I call it "cemetary day" and all my friends know that on cemetary day, do not ask me to hang out or else they'll be stuck at many cemetaries all day long.<br />
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I normally go to everyone's grave and give them flowers, sit and just talk for hours. Catching up if you will. I beleive that they can hear me and do respond to me.<br />
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Cemetary day usually lasts from about 9am when the floral shops open until dark when the cemetaries's usually in summer when I go so the days are long. All in all, it's about 12 hours.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I firmly believe that she hears you and feels the love you send her. And, if you ever get a little sign that you think is from her, cherish it. I truly feel she is trying to let you know she is at peace now and feels your love.