I Lost a Loved One to Suicide
I was 13 years old, when my sister killed herself.
She was 11 years old. We knew she was having troubles. She had taken an over dose of pills months before. Yet, no one was prepared to deal with a child so young. She was on a waiting list to be admitted to a psychaitric youth facility.
On the day she died, it seemed like any other. I went to school, my grandmother to work (we lived with her). My sister walked to school at a different time.
She went to school, and told classmates that she was going to kill herself. She showed the other children the .38 cal handgun she was going to use (my mother's). She hid the gun on the playground.
Later, she pretended to be sick and asked to go home. The school officials told her to call her mother and see if it was alright. My sister dialed a number and pretended to have a conversation. The school officals allowed her to walk home.
Hours later, she would be found in a church sanctuary, dead, from a self inflicted gunshot wound to the head.
I went to school the very next day, never shed a tear, never dealt with it. Now,....I have to deal with it. Her death, unknown to me all these years has severely messed up my mind. I am in therapy. I have borderline personality disorder. I cross-dress. I want to be a girl. I hate being a man.
Why did she do it? That may never be answered,...but I suspect our step-father sexually abused her. I know that he abused another sibling, and yet another has been a sex abuser. My sister was sexually active at 10. During the 70's,...that was not common. Then there's me,....with gender issues.
