I Lost My Dad

to suicide just this last summer.  Sometimes, actually oftentimes, it feels like I found out about it yesterday.  The weird part, and the part that makes it CRAZY to deal with, is my Dad was one of the most loving people, most caring people. His marriage and everything was wonderful, and my parents had just celebrated their 25th anniversary.  It is weird how sometimes your view on a topic completely changes when you experience it.  I always thought that suicide was something that total lunatics did.  I now realize that it affects normal people, and sometimes it takes even the strongest people from this earth.  It is so hard to deal with him not being here for us, and the grief is still there in our minds and constantly in our thoughts. 

If you too have lost  a loved one to suicide, please tell me about your experience.  Maybe together we can make it through, despite the fact that we cannot understand their decision to take their own life.  I think, however, that it isn't a decision at all.  I actually believe that people who commit suicide do not have any control over their mind at that point, and they are actually having a "attack of the brain," or something.  It also has taught me to look past what you see in people, because when I looked at my father, all I saw was love and admiration for his kids and for my Mom.   People may have a happy face, a cheery demeanor, and be losing their way inside themselves.  If we tried to look deeper and read people better, I think we would find out that you can tell when people are hiding a depressed person within themselves. 

I miss my dad so much and there are tears rolling down my cheek as I type this experience.  I really need a hug and I want to go home at least to be with my Mom and my sister and brothers, but this can't happen for several weeks.  I am a mess, a real live mess, sometimes.

mgnwilhelm mgnwilhelm
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 21, 2010

Firstly, I send you hugs and support about your father. My cousin commited suicide a few years ago, we had been very close and I had visited with him the day before. He was cheerful, joking, laughing and there were absolutely no signs. Men are very clever at hiding their feelings, and you as well as I know, these events are usually planned ahead of time. I cannot begin to know how you feel, but you are free to message me anytime you need to talk ....I'm a great listener :)


I am so sorry about your dad. Yes for some reason my sister did sound and acted happy full of energy, and wanting to be there for everyone. She was also a very strong person. So there are never any signs to what will happen next. <br />
<br />
The night my sister took her life I was on the phone with her and she was a very happy person at the time. I knew she was hurting inside cause we talked about it often. You see me and my sister did not have an easy childhood so I do understand why she did what she did. We were 5 kids growing up and only me and my sister suffered. I still and always will write to her in my diary and on her facebook account. But now when I need to talk to her just to hear her voice I can't. But now her suffering is gone, I'm happy for that in a way.<br />
<br />
Take time with the rest of your family it's now important to me to make sure that everyone is ok and that their thoughts are in the right place. We also all live far from each other but we find the time to communicate and listen to one another. It's to bad that it took one death to bring others closer in my case. <br />
<br />
Wish you the best, take care of yourself and your family