Lost My Nanna To Cancer.

I found out last year that my nanna had been diagnosed with cancer.She was given options for treatment,but was told that chemotherapy wouldn't be a good idea as she was in her late 70's and it would weaken her badly.
Last monday,she was taken ill and rushed to hopsital,the doctors didnt think she would make it through the night,but she did.She fought until the 29th of november,and sadly she died.Her funeral was yesterday and it was the hardest day of my life,i had been busy making arrangements all week and i suppose i hadn't really stopped to let it sink in.
It hit me when i was standing outside my grandad's house and the hearse pulled up and i could see her coffin,i tried so hard not to cry for my mum and my sisters and first and foremost my grandad,but it was like a dam had been breached and the tears kept coming.I had made her a wreath of flowers which was placed on her coffin,and then she was taken inside the crematorium,all through the service all i could think of was that she was right there,and it was the closest i would ever be to her again.We sang or hymn,or at least i tried to,and i could see water stains on the pages and wondered how many other people had stood where i stood,and wept for someone they had loved and lost.
I know people say it gets easier,but i feel like i should be dealing with it better and i'm not.The slightest thing will set me off crying,and i have a constant lump in my throat.Maybe it's because this is my first experience with death,and its someone who was precious to me,maybe also the sadness i feel is tinged with regret that i didn't visit more often,that she never spent enough time with my children and got to know them better.
Im not religious in any way and i envy those who are and can find comfort in what they believe in.It seems like i have nothing to comfort me,no feeling that someday i will see her again,that she knows how much i loved her,that i always wanted to come see her,but life kept getting in the way as it often does.
I didn't realise how hard the grieving process is,i try to remember her as she always was to me,happy and vibrant and full of life and energy.
So i think for anyone who feels like i do,its a comfort to know your not alone,and grief is a personal thing and everyone has their own way of dealing with it,if you want to cry then cry,holding it in will just make it all the harder when that dam finally breaks.
The minister read an excerpt from a poem by bishop brent it went something like this.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at that moment when someone at my side says, "there! she's gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "here she comes!"
And that is dying.

clarice666 clarice666
31-35, F
Dec 11, 2012