2 Years Since Mom Lost The Battle Of Her Life Against Lung Cancer

So I just read the first story I ever put on ep 2 years ago and I thought it was time to update on what has happened since then.. Wow.. Where do I start? I remember that day like it was yesterday still. It will probably "haunt" me for the rest of my life. So much has changed since she left us. My son is now 3 years old. I still have good days and bad days. I have a collage of pictures of my mother that I made for her funeral and I hung it on my wall. My heartstrings hurt when my son asks about her. She loved him sooo much and he will never understand how much. He randomly will ask questions about her and I try my best to answer them as easily as you can to a three year old... It hurts something awfull knowing that he doesnt really remember her. The first year was a downhill rollercoaster for me. I couldnt sleep and started spending way too much money on drugs. We went into financial distress and had to move in with my in laws untill we got things back on track. That was a very hard 5 months for me at the in laws.. I just felt disconnected and uninterested in life. I was so down in the dumps and hit rock bottom once. I decided I didnt want to do life anymore. I just wanted to be with my mom. So I went into my bathroom and put a belt around my neck and pulled it as tight as I could. Then I fastened it to my towel rack and proceded to try and hang myself. My sister came knocking on the door and when I didnt answer she broke open the door.. I am so ashamed to admit this but that is what I did. I acted selfishly and didnt care about others and how they would feel having to bury another family member. After that things were still tough but I knew I had to stay here. I missed my mom but I had a son and other family that still needed me here. My dad now has a girlfriend. I was NOT feeling that at all at first but now I love this woman like a second mother. If she brings happiness and joy to my dads life then I dont have any complaints. My sister recently had twin girls. I know it was hard on my sister not having her mom there but I would like to believe or atleast hope my mom was there in spirit. It is so hard having these life experiences with her not here... This is when I start to get angry! This is where I start saying its not fair.. And then, I shut down cause I dont know what to do about how I feel.... Thanks to whoever reads this.
dprince8302 dprince8302
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 5, 2012

I am currently spending a lot of money on drugs, too. <br />
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I am forcing myself to get out of bed each morning, to go to work, etc. <br />
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I lost my Mum to breast cancer 8 weeks ago. I wail every day. I am angry and deeply upset and feel like the emotional pain is too overwhelming. I miss my Mum so much. We had so much love for each other, and I can't cope with the fact that she just doesn't exist anymore and that she's not here to be my Mum.

Valentine, I know this is hard for you. 8 weeks is still very raw to adjust to losing your Mom. Which I am very sorry for your loss. It does get alittle "better" tho. We never forget and the hole in our hearts will always be there(especially on mothers day and life moments), but we some how manage to go on. I still buy a lot of drugs and I still have down days and this is 2 and a half years later! I feel your pain my friend, I have walked in your shoes. The crying will eventually begin to subside(and don't be suprised if you feel guilty when for a day you don't cry) It will start to get better tho. Feel free to message me and we can swap stories about our moms. Hang in there and I hope to hear from ya soon:)

Wow <br />
I just read both of your post. Ordinarily I would not be up at 1:30 am reading such painful stories. However on January 6, 2012 I buried my mother. She was 55 yrs. old and past from stage 4 breast cancer. My mother and I were so close i feel like an enormous piece of me is missing. It's so hard not to hear her voice on the phone or see her standing in her kitchen at times i find it simply hard to breath. Most times i try to push everything to the back of my mind to minimize the pain but deflection hasn't worked very well. I have a nice size family husband, 2 children 7 brothers 23 nieces and nephews, sister in-laws the whloe bit. We are a very close family with that said, I still feel lonely and it seems like there is a silence that so loud it;s impossible to turn off. Thanks for telling your story and the update it gives me solice to know that my feeling are legit. And even if today didn't seem so bright it's okay to look forward to tomorrow. THANKS AGAIN!

Glad your alive at least :).<br />
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And dont worry about your son not being able to remember your mother and not, you remember her, he gets to know her through you :). Bond with people can grow in weird ways really, nothing really ends with death, at least not in my opinion. Even tho if it certainly feels like it at times. And she probably is with you and your son in spirit :). How I view things anyway :).<br />
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Anyway, thx for sharing more of your story :).