2 Years Since Mom Lost The Battle Of Her Life Against Lung Cancer
So I just read the first story I ever put on ep 2 years ago and I thought it was time to update on what has happened since then.. Wow.. Where do I start? I remember that day like it was yesterday still. It will probably "haunt" me for the rest of my life. So much has changed since she left us. My son is now 3 years old. I still have good days and bad days. I have a collage of pictures of my mother that I made for her funeral and I hung it on my wall. My heartstrings hurt when my son asks about her. She loved him sooo much and he will never understand how much. He randomly will ask questions about her and I try my best to answer them as easily as you can to a three year old... It hurts something awfull knowing that he doesnt really remember her. The first year was a downhill rollercoaster for me. I couldnt sleep and started spending way too much money on drugs. We went into financial distress and had to move in with my in laws untill we got things back on track. That was a very hard 5 months for me at the in laws.. I just felt disconnected and uninterested in life. I was so down in the dumps and hit rock bottom once. I decided I didnt want to do life anymore. I just wanted to be with my mom. So I went into my bathroom and put a belt around my neck and pulled it as tight as I could. Then I fastened it to my towel rack and proceded to try and hang myself. My sister came knocking on the door and when I didnt answer she broke open the door.. I am so ashamed to admit this but that is what I did. I acted selfishly and didnt care about others and how they would feel having to bury another family member. After that things were still tough but I knew I had to stay here. I missed my mom but I had a son and other family that still needed me here. My dad now has a girlfriend. I was NOT feeling that at all at first but now I love this woman like a second mother. If she brings happiness and joy to my dads life then I dont have any complaints. My sister recently had twin girls. I know it was hard on my sister not having her mom there but I would like to believe or atleast hope my mom was there in spirit. It is so hard having these life experiences with her not here... This is when I start to get angry! This is where I start saying its not fair.. And then, I shut down cause I dont know what to do about how I feel.... Thanks to whoever reads this.