Nostalgic Dreams

We were friends as little girls. We went to the same kinder, and lived just down the road from one another. She claims we had a dirt pile that we played on at her house. I don't remember it. I do, however, have countless other memories with her in them. Of us dressing up in the tutus my sister and I owned (a pink and blue one. The latter was always mine), of her putting my sister's lipstick in the fridge and ruining it (and of me never hearing the end of it from my sister), of me giving her a video of My Little Pony...

Why we stopped being friends, I'm not so sure. I guess we just went different ways when we entered Primary School, though I always watched her from afar (in a non-creepy way, of course ;] )

Years later, we went to the same Secondary school, and I wound up in maths with her (maths which I loathed more than any other subject... well, except maybe P.E). We ended up sitting next to each other one day, which was all kinds of awkward because I didn't know what to say (and as I now remember, had assumptions that she did not like me, though she didn't know me (that didn't stop others though) ). But she spoke first as we filled out maths sheets we'd been given, asking me if I remembered a song we'd made up when we were little. My eyes buldged as I said, "Yes!" with enthusiasm. From there on, it was easy, and suddenly we were recounting stories from the time when we'd lived next to one another and gone to kinder together. I was amazed by the things she remembered-- some that I had long forgotten myself (like the dirt pile). We then moved onto the present and started talking about things we found we shared-- like a Sims obsession.

She also became friends with my other friend from maths. Then after that, she was pretty much accepted in our group, which was a mixture of guys and girls.

We had a good relationship. While my 'best friend' and I would muck around and be idiots together, She and I would share some laughs, but we'd also go and sit around the corner of our lunchtime area, which was out of bounds (but we didn't care) and talk. We would sometimes talk about our families, about how we felt regarding certain things... all the things you share with someone you truly consider to be a friend.

My 'best friend' and other friend from maths would get pissed off whenever we walked off together and sealed ourselves off from the others. They said the lesbians had gone off together, which I merely laughed at-- their jealousy couldn't be more evident.

One of the best times we had together was when we wagged school for a day and walked a fair distance to her grandmother's house. We did such random things there-- like watch The Rugrats for some reason, and go and get fish and chips (where we laughed over the strange pervey man that served us;-- he would not stop staring at us. When our giggling became too much, we turned to face the wall, only to find the entire wall was a mirror. More laughter ensued).

I'd always had problems at school, so having a few close friends really helped me. I started neglecting my appearance though as time went on and I continued having family problems, stress from some nasty people at school, and the teachers. By year nine, I couldn't take much more, and snapped one day when I was meant to be at drama. I literally ran from school, having a huge panic attack. I knew after that that I never wanted to go back. My mum saw how much school had truly stressed me out, and how I had become very depressed. Although I was given offers to go back to school for only a few classes a day, I couldn't face it.

At first I kept in contact with friends. I spoke to them either on the phone, or online. There were only a few phonecalls though, but soon they stopped. I started doing my schooling via the internet, but I was more depressed than ever. I hid myself from the world and developed anxiety problems (well, worse than before). I attended counselling. I became increasingly paranoid about my appearance (part of why I didn't want to go out).

Eventually I stopped doing the homeschooling because I couldn't stand the people running it anymore (they would make me go into the centre all the time, and in the end, attempted to get me going there each day of the week, from 9 to 3. It freaked me out in the end seeing how school-like it was).

A couple of years passed, in which I started getting better, but I still had horribly low self esteem. In the end I wasn't really talking to many of my old friends at all-- only the 'best friend', who sometimes I felt I could do without.

My old friend and I did have one get-together at her house during this time of isolation for me, and that was only really organized because my mum got along with her mother (from when we'd been neighbours). So while they sat in the kitchen talking, we went to her room and laughed and caught up like old times for hours (though it still didn't feel like long enough).

More years passed. My parents split up and I moved with my mum into town (we'd previously lived on five acres in the country). I just happened to be close by to my 'best friend', so we started doing lots of things together (we hadn't seen each other previously for some time, so yes, I even lost contact with her). I continued to feel a little better about myself once I'd made myself over a bit, and then me and 'best friend' were going to parties together. I would never feel like I belonged though; they were her friends, people I didn't really know. Except for the ones who I'd gone to school with, though many of them never even remembered me. The first real party I went to was highly satisfying in many ways, because a girl who had never liked me stumbled over and started drunkenly gushing about how pretty I was.

"You should be a supermodel!" she slurred, adding how terrible I used to look. I just grinned, wondering if she'd remember this tomorrow.

Then I saw my old friend, who beamed at the sight of me and said she'd heard I was living in town and my parents had split up. She asked me if this was a good or bad thing, and I told her it was definitely good (I was one of those people who'd always wanted their parents to split up, because they were better apart than together). We didn't really talk much after that, which is sad.

I did see her out on the street shortly after the party, with the girl who had drunkenly told me how pretty I was (they were friends, unfortunately for me). My friend said something I didn't hear on her way past, wearing a smile. The one who didn't like me just glared.

I saw her at a few parties after that, but we never talked. Actually, I recall saying hello to her at one, but I don't think she even noticed me there. I took forever to get a myspace, so when I did, one of the first things she asked me when I added her was 'where have you been??' which I couldn't believe, because I'd been in her FACE so many times without her even noticing. In this time I saw her growing up more than me though. She had boyfriends, she was working (though she'd been one of those ones with a job even in Secondary school).

We enthusiastically talked via myspace for awhile there, but eventually we ran out of steam. We said we'd have to get together sometime, and for awhile after that, I would get picture comments with 'we should catch up soon' attached to the end of them. In all honesty, I was scared to catch up with her. Her status was nearly always 'in a relationship', and she did 'grown-up things' (or so I thought of them as then) like go out every weekend and in the end by the sounds of her bulletins, work somewhere really good. Plus she got her license, whereas I had hardly studied the book.

So I held back from really committing to a get-together. And eventually, I think she lost interest. It might just be my imagination, but I would start the occasional msn conversation up with her, and she would only response once or twice, before the conversation shrivelled up. It would depress me more than I would've liked everytime, and convince me that I needed to get more friends-- but it would just hurt me more than anything to think of that, because I wanted my old friends back. Friends like her. But then I had my doubts that she was the same person anymore. Probably another year passed with me thinking she was probably one of those girls now, really pretty and really just too perfect. And maybe even bitchy.

I remembered back in school when we'd been non-conformists to pretty much everything. She was one of the only ones who didn't bother me about things like my terrible hair because she just didn't give a ****. I was me, I was cool to her; that's all she needed.

Whenever I would leap back to present day after having such thoughts, it would depress me. I'd been on anti-depressants since I'd left school, but sometimes it was like nothing helped.

The last thing that happened between us was just recent. I must have been thinking about her sub-conciously, because I had a dream in which she showed up with her current boyfriend (whom I'd obviously never met). My real life fears were reflected in the dream when we didn't click as we had used to, and she was clearly bored with me. Then to make matters worse, I was embarrassed by where I was living, and her boyfriend for some odd reason, started cleaning my carpet as we spoke. I woke up feeling nostalgic, which is nothing new for me.

What saddens me about my old, lost friendships is the fact that all those people are different from when I last knew them. Sure, I could be friends with them again now, I suppose, but I can't help thinking how I missed all those years.

Anyway, later on that day, after my dream, I was on msn, and my friend signed in. She didn't come on much (too busy with her amazing life, I suppose), so I thought that maybe it was a sign. I should talk to her, I thought. But I was too worried she would think I was a pathetic loser, trying to strike up a conversation with her. Lord knows it'd happened before; that I'd been all enthusiastic and she hadn't been bothered (and yet in those times, she's STILL been sending me messages about catching up so why wouldn't she just talk to me?).

I started it off by trying to sound as casual as possible. I told her I had a dream about her, adding some 'haha's so it didn't sound creepy. She was amused and asked what it was about. I told her. 'hahaha' was my reply... then that was it. I wondered if I should say something else but I knew it'd be like last time and nothing more would be said on her part, and I would probably just look foolish trying. I left the conversation window open, hoping it would flash blue. But it didn't.

Eventually I signed off, feeling sorry for myself. Actually, I'd been feeling great by this point, but that was quite a downer on the evening, and I had to work hard to cheer myself up again.

I suppose in the end, it's just natural for friendships to end. I'm only lucky it didn't end ugly. Like say, as an argument or something. I lost contact with her when I was little only to befriend her again-- there's no way of knowing that won't happen once more, if it's meant to be. The only trouble is, I had noticed upon viewing her myspace a short while ago that she was thinking of moving to melbourne, which is two hours away. I immediately started thinking about how it'd been a waste to start that last msn conversation with her as she would probably leave this town anyway. When you think about it, I might never see her again...

I'm still too insecure to organize anything with her though (assuming she'd even want to). Here I am, without a job, not many friends, no boyfriend, and lack of experience in that overall area, no license (though at least I finally have my L's), still living with my mother and probably for awhile yet... I would feel like a loser. Then again, that's just my own warped perception of myself. I know that the OLD version of her at least would probably accept me no matter what.

Only trouble is, that version may be long gone...

I suppose all I have from here on out are nostalgic dreams.

FateCantDecide FateCantDecide
22-25, F
Mar 10, 2009