My Biggest Regret
B.A.J. if only I had known how to deal with my feelings.. how to talk about what was going on inside my head.. If only I had been a real friend to you...... I cared so much about you but I couldn't be there for you.. I was so wrapped-up in my self.. What a fool I was. I never meant to hurt you. I never realised how much I was hurting you. In the end I only meant to go away for a week or two to give you some space.. I came back but you were gone. I have been to your house.. many years later. You told me I shouldn't go there or you'd be in trouble from your mum and sdad.. I should have gone anyway... but I had no confidence in myself. I thought you saw me as a creep, as a stalker. I was haunted by my memories of my father, a real stalker. I didn't want you to feel like there was nowhere you could go if you didn't want to see me. I know you realised I was in love, a long long time before I did. when I realised, it was too late. I didn't want you to think I was lying all along and that I only wanted sex. I realy didn't want more than a spiritual and emotional connection with you.. but I did want you to myself. I was a jealous friend.. I was also very worried that if you were with someone else then I would lose you..... I lost you anyway.
I think about you every day. Have done for over a decade now. For years I felt too ashamed of myself.. hated myself to much to come back. I only improved very slowly.. to start with it was only on the outside, while within I was still just as scared of who I might be. I have started to come to terms with my past now, and I am letting go of the hate and the fear.
I hope one day I will find you and I hope so much that we can have some kind of a friendship again.