Lost With Out Them

And I have been crippled with guilt and shame ever since. I am the mother of five awesome kids. Kids that I created, bathed, loved, fed, and would have died for. My first child was born when I was 18 years old. I had two by one man and three by another. The first one was not abusive, just worthless and had no ambition. So when I was 20 with 2 kids, I just learned to deal. We were doing fine. I worked, dated a little but not much. Then when I moved to a new town and met the other man, things took a drastic turn in my life. The abuse began very quickly in the relationship. And i fell in to the trap that i would be stuck in for 8 more years. I left several times, seeking shelter in battered women's shelters or friends or family's homes. But I would always go back ...any way...the abuse continued over three states, and many years, I stayed loyal and ultimately lost the kids to social services. We split up and I spent a year in a treatment center fighting to get the kids back. And I did it. I stayed clean, got the county out of our lives. During the time in treatment, I was diagnosed with severe ptsd, add and depression (all of the diagnoses were related to the abuse, but some were stemmed from my childhood) I was alone trying very hard to stay afloat after treatment but it didn't last long. I was self medicating with anything i could get my hands on basically So DSS took them again. They went to stay with my mom.

And here comes the part that I cant forgive myself for.....

I didn't fight. I didn't co-operate and I was very hostile with DSS, refusing to sign, take drug tests, or get help. I just gave up. I was tired of the state, hated myself and really just needed a break. I just crawled in to the bottom of a bottle and stayed there. Stayed drunk or high on what ever. Promiscuous and really didn't care about anything. My rights were eventually terminated and my mom adopted MY children. I know...I know, I'm supposed to be grateful that they are with my mom. And I am. And Im glad that she has been there for us.

So now my kids are all doing ok. They have all they need and more, My mom is doing much better financially then when i was a kid and i am pretty sure she gets help from the state.... My mom is doing well in keeping her safe tho.

But I, on the other hand am not doing well.

They saved my kids from me but not me from me
I have been just wandering around, moving for this man or that man, staying in battered women's shelters, haven't had my own place for almost 2 years. I have so much guilt and shame that i just cant move forward with my life. I have contact with the kids and talk to them as much as possible, but I just cant live with myself. i hate myself because of this.
I identified myself as a mother for so long. Now I don't know who i am. who i'm supposed to be now. i feel like i don't deserve to be happy because i didn't fight. I didn't try. I didn't do anything but get drunk. I have quit drinking as much, but it still doesn't change anything. I still hate me. The anxiety is debilitating. Sometimes i cant even leave the house. I'm so hard on myself and cant let go. People ask me if i have kids, and i don't know what to say.

So i found this website and it made me feel a little better to see I am not alone. I miss them so much, i don't get to close (they live about 6 hours from me) because its just to hard. i come see them about once every six weeks but thats about it.
So i just want to learn how do i live now....what do i do now?
brickflower5 brickflower5
31-35, F
5 Responses Jan 11, 2013

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You learn that we all make mistakes and wish for a 'do over' in life. But your kids are still alive and you have hope to make a better connection for the future. Why not move closer to you mom's? To even the same street. All we can do is learn from the past and try to do better. Beating yourself up just makes you less able to be a part of their lives.

I love the way people can give easy answers for complicated problems. Although I never lost my children, I was a foster child. I know it is hard to find people who understand. Sounds to me like your looking for love and with 2 abusive relationship you have the tendency to pick the same kind of man. I too had this kind of problem. So, I use to say "oh, I like him, hmmmm, what is wrong with him." I knew I could not trust myself to be in relationships with men. So I stopped. No men at all. Concentrate on your self, learn to be self sufficient, learn to love yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself, life doesn't come with an instruction book. Once you understand yourself and the choices you have made, you will see more clearly and make better choices. I hope everything works out for you

thank you so much sue....ive got to forgive myself...things have changes a little, i have moved closer to them, about 30 miles, sojust having them in my life is a huge blessing. my mom and i are still, um struggling but im just happy that i can see the kids and at least they dont HATE me, working on making it better. i fall sometimes but i feel like i bounce back...just trying to not hate me anymore...i cant live like that anymore...

My sweet lost lady . I also have lost my kids . But I am regaining myself , I am trying to be a better person . They will come home to you when they are 18 . But for now , go visit so they dont forget . And fix all that you can thats wrong . I would love to talk more .

i really think that we could be there for each other, i dont know anyone else that has been thru what that feels like...message me!!1

you need to go back to them or it will be like this your whole life. you can go back an stay in an apartment and spend time with them and clean up. and drink lots of water. its awesome you realize now do

i have moved back, got myself an apt, i have cleaned up quite a bit actually, definitely not perfect but working on it....im blessed that i see them and they know i am not completely abandoning them....there are things that need to be worked out, this has been very hard on all of us...i just realized that i cant hate myself for ever and punishing myself is not the way to go...