Falling Apart

So I just joined this site, and I feel kinda bad about writing what I want to write because skimming the other posts, mine seems kind of minor. I didnt lose a friend to death or anything...Ive just kinda been feeling alone lately. I guess it seems kinda like it's going downhill. I never really had a lot of friends in elementary school. In fact, I had like 1. In high school I had more friends, and I was relieved when I got to go to college with people who didnt know me. There I could be who I wanted, and there I could meet new people. I became friends with a great group of girls. I was happy to have all the friends in my life. Unfortunetly at the same time, my best friend who I had been friends, practically sisters with, since elementary school stayed at home for college. Through the years we had practically lived together. We were at each others houses all the time. We did everything together. WE started to grow apart when I left for college. I wasnt that far, but I didnt have a car my first year. One day she came in to see me at work and showed me her engagement ring. I was shocked and depressed at the same time. This was my BEST friend, and she was engaged to a guy I never even met, or knew about. She eventually broke off that engagement for another guy that I didnt know. She married him and now lives in California. She came back for my wedding last year to be my matron of honor. I missed her. I never realize how much until she comes back into my life and leaves again. She left and came back once since my wedding. We went to lunch and talked about everything. I always vow to myself that I will stay in touch more but it doesnt happen. In the meantime I had been with my college friends. A few of them failed out and we lost touch. An old friend from high school moved in with me at college when my roommate failed out. The following year we rented a house with a girl that lived down the hall, another close friend of mine. The three of us lived together that year and part of the next. My other friends moved back home after college so they are all about an hour and a half away. My 2 roommates and I eventually moved out of the house. The one, AJ, lives near me, so she has kind of become one of my best friends. The other, MB, lives about an hour-hour and 1/2 away. MB and I used to talk on a regular basis about everything. AJ comes to my house all the time for movies and we go out. I was happy with my girl friends. MB would come down to see the two of us all the time and we would get our girl time. Now things are different. I used to get kind of upset because I would have my own friends and AJ would have her own friends and then we would have our mutual friends. Suddenly, every time AJ and I did something with my friends, she would get their numbers and stuff and they would become her friends. They would even start hanging out and stuff without me. I guess it was partially my fault. I sort of lost touch with some of my friends because I have been so busy with work and getting married and everything. But anyway, that background brings me to where i am now. With my husband, I got involved in volunteer firefighting. It is an awesome hobby of mine that I love so much. I have made some friends from it. But sometimes it seems like the people at the firehouse dont really take me seriously. A lot of times it seems like they are more my husband's friends anyway. After all, he was there first so they have known him longer, and he is in a high ranking position there. So it makes sense that they would count on him for things more and keep him more in the loop. So my firehouse friends are awesome as a group, but i dont really ever hang out one on one with any of them. My friends AJ and MB are really all I have. I dont really like being alone. I hang out with my husband every minute that I can. I am starting to pick up on some hobbys for when I am by myself. Like, I just began scrapbooking. Unfortunetly, with AJ and MB, we like to do the girly things like get our nails done and go on trips to the beach or movies or amusement parks. We also like to go see a local band together. I am starting to get into a severe money situation since my husband lost his job. I can no longer afford to just pack up and go on a shopping trip with the girls. Unfortunetly, I am a tomboy. I always have been. I like the girly things more than I used to, but I am still very into sports and stuff. My friends...not so much, only if there are cute guys to stare at. I think that is where the firefighting and stuff comes in. It allows me to not be so much of a girl and stuff. But the guys there still sometimes see me as a girl. So I am sort of stuck in the midde. But sorry, I got off the point a little bit there and this is getting really long. I am sorry about that. I just need to write and get all my frustrations out. I dont really have anyone to talk to that understands why this is such a big deal to me. So anyway, I have AJ and MB, and we were all good. Recently, MB made another friend from her work. She brought her with her the last time that she came down to visit AJ and myself. I hated to say that I didnt really like her, but I dont. AJ and I were working on getting MB to quit smoking. This girl JN, smokes all the time. So she came down last time and I had to ride in the car with both of them smoking. I do everything to protect my lungs on the fireground etc., so why should I have to inhale your smoke! So I think that is what made me kind of mad at first. So we had fun and all that night. Another one of our friends, DT also joined us. DT was one of those people that was my friend first and now AJ and her hang out without me. So it was me, AJ, DT, MB, and JN. We went out that night. Somehow I got stuck being the one taking all the pics so I am in hardly any of them. That kinda ****** me off and I dont even know why. So anyway, progressing forward. JN now moved to New Jersey. MB and her became obsessed with a new band. The lead singer is married with a kid, and MB is flirting and hanging out with him. AJ and I keep telling her it is a bad idea but she wont listen. She would rather listen to her new friends, whom I think are a bad influence. So now she takes any weekend that she has off and goes to see them instead of coming to visit AJ and myself. Well, so here is the deal, I havent been out in awhile and our favorite band was playing this past weekend. AJ had a wedding to go to during the day but said she would be back for at night. I am usually the one that is not in the mood to go out and takes forever to get ready and everything. This time I was so in the mood, I had my outfit picked out and everything. We were trying to get MB to come visit and go with us, but she was going to hang out with her lead singer guy and his friends so she wouldnt come. Then that night 3 hours before we were supposed to go out I get a text from AJ saying that she isnt going to go out anymore cause she was gonna have some people over to her place instead. I dont know if I am wrong for getting so pissed off about this, but I cant help it...I am. I havent spoken to her since she sent me that message. My hubby and I ended up instead going to a friend of my husbands house and hanging out. It was this guy, his wife, and their 2 friends. Well my husband went upstairs to look at the guys computer, so I was kinda sitting there with the rest of the people bored. It was a pretty ****** Saturday night. So I am not really sure what to do. I dont really have a lot of friends to call up and hang out with, and the ones I do are not very realiable.  I just feel kind of alone. I just wish that I was able to blow them off because I had "something better to do" some of the time. The only time I have to cancel on them is if we have an event at the firehouse that I have to help with or something. I want them to know that I have other friends to hang out with too and that I dont really need them around. If that is how they are going to treat me. Again, sorry for this being so long and repetitive. I just needed to get it all out.

capnfievel capnfievel
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 16, 2007

I can relate to not having a lotta friends. But then having more in highschool. However I've never been to college so you're lucky on that one.<br />
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Sounds like a good deal. Lose one friend for many. However I'm sure you woulda rather just had the one instead of many. That's what happens when you take what you have for granted.<br />
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It sounds to be like you need to keep in better touch with your old friend.<br />
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Sounds like AJ needed your friends more than you did.<br />
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Note: Marriage ruins a lot of friendships unless all your friends also get married. Once you get married all your friends become a third wheel. Unless they also get married then it's a full car.<br />
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If your friends wanna stare at hot guys maybe it's better that you aren't around them as much as you'd like. Sorry to hear about your husbands job loss.<br />
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Shouldn't get mad that you aren't in pics, should always try to get yourself in a picture with your buddies. ;) That's part of being a photographer. Always gotta get yourself in there.<br />
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It's not your decision to choose friends for your friends. Sounds to me like you are a little jealous. Don't think about your friends friends being bad influences. Think about how easy it is for your friends to follow. If you really want them to follow you, you should do something cooler. I know that sounds totally junior high and highschool, but it's really how life works out. Some of us are leaders, and other of us are followers. Sounds like your friends are the followers. So be a leader.<br />
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If people blow you off don't get pissed at them, it's thier loss, you just go have a good time by yourself.<br />
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If you don't have more friends maybe you need to go out and do stuff and meet more people. Either that or find another hobby and just don't worry about friends. And always remember everything happens for a reason. Everything runs it's course.<br />
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Most of the time my friends are too busy for me too. So I don't take the time we do spend together for granted. Cus you never know when somethings gunna be over.

Sorry I don't have enough time to say all I'd like to right now, but let me just say this:<br />
You need to get comfortable with just being with you, once you take the time to get to know yourself and feel good about being with yourself, you can start to feel more comfortable about being with others.