Lost Quite a Few

In elementary school and middle school, I never had the same friends as the year before. I still saw them because it was a smaller school with all the same people, but they hardly talked to me. When I got to high school, I thought it was going to be great! I wasn't going to the same school as everyone I had known for so long. I could start new! I made a few close friends and they stuck with me the next year...and the next...and the next. I thought that if we had stuck it out this long, we'd be friends for a really long time. Boy, was I wrong! My best friend that I met the very first day of high school moved to another state to go to college. She never even tried to contact me after she moved. I couldn't understand why she would do that, it's not like I had moved too. I went to college at home with another of my friends from high school, which was great. Until she plotted behind my back with the one that had moved away. I don't speak to either of them now. I'm still a little bitter about the whole thing. They made stuff up about me that never happened.

Before all this, I had a guy friend in my second year of high school. We were pretty close, along with my then best friend. It was always the 3 of us. Then, when I called him on our friend's birthday, he got pissed off at me for some reason and hung up the phone on me. I left him alone, figuring that he just needed some time to cool off, and thought it'd be ok the next day at school. Well, it wasn't. He wasn't friends with us anymore after that. He would tell people that we all knew about what had happened, to which they would come to me and ask if it was true that I had done that to him. I told them that he was making that up and gave them the real story. Apparently he said I had done something bad, I can't really remember now, but it was definitely not true.

Sorry, I'm being kind of jumpy, but this one goes back to middle school.
I had one really good friend in eighth grade. He and I had practically the exact same classes all year. And we always sat by each other, if we could. Things that year were a little shaky for me though. I had lost my grandfather 2 days before Halloween, which happens to be my favorite holiday. That was tough because he was awesome; I loved my grandfather. But things were starting to get better because John(my friend) was there for me. He was always making people laugh, which helped me out a lot.
Then John got sick. He stopped coming to school and was taken to the hospital, shortly after his disappearance from school. Apparently he had cystic fibrosis, which I was completely unaware of. We would get updates on him from his mother by email. He wasn't doing very well. Then, on April 30th, I was held after school because I was told my mom was picking me up instead of riding the bus. This wasn't too unusual because I was on the yearbook staff that year and was used to staying after. My mom got there and right after I got into the car, she told me that John had died that morning. She said that they didn't want to tell us while we were in class, so they waited until after school. I was in shock. I was 14 years old and my best friend just died. I don't think I cried until the next day when they didn't start classes like they usually did. Instead, they told everyone that he had died the previous day. All the girls started crying. Everyone was sad, even the kid that was always bullying John and I.
This had definitely become the worst year of my life. I don't think we really had any classes that day. They sent us off to our different classes, but I don't remember actually doing anything.
Then, because they all knew we were really good friends, everyone felt bad for me....my grandmother(not related to my deceased grandfather) died one week after John's service. She was the one I liked, you know, the "nice" one. But I don't think I ever cried for her; I think I was drained from all the crying I had done for my grandfather and my friend.
My teachers had all written down on their attendance sheets for substitute teachers that I was allowed to leave the classroom if necessary. But I never used any of that special treatment. I wouldn't allow people to see me cry...except for that one day when they told everyone he died.
After my grandfather died, I did go to counseling once a week during math class. But it didn't really do anything for me because it was with other people, so I didn't really get any time to talk about anything. I would have talked, had it only been me and the counselor. I think I could have used that counselor more after John died, but they weren't offering any help at that time. So I was stuck with my thoughts and anguish and had no help.
After some time, before his service, his mother came to a friend's house that a group of us had gathered at. We came up with the idea of giving her a box of things that we thought would remind us of him. I put in a small teddy bear...John had always reminded me of a teddy bear...I think I used to call him Pooh Bear, or something like that. Before his mother left, she found me sitting on the couch by myself and came over and told me that John was always talking about me and she said I was a really good friend to John, which of course made me cry. Then she told me that he had always had a crush on me...I had no idea.
The worst thing about his death is the attitude I had towards him the day before he got sick. We were both waiting after school that day to be picked up; we were the only ones left. He kept whining that he had to go to the bathroom, and since there was nothing I could do about it, I got a little annoyed and angry with him and gave him some short retort. The next day, he wasn't at school anymore because he had gotten really sick. Now, looking back, I wish I hadn't been like that to him. I wish, so much, to have that day back and do it over again.

I think of him every single day. I hope he knows that I never meant to treat him badly or be mean to him in any way. I hope he knows how much he meant to me.

rockgirl rockgirl
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 24, 2007

The best friend of all is the friend you find inside you. And he knows, dear one. HUGS, livingwell<br />
P. S. If you can use this try it, please...Try this on for size...Remember to treat others the way you wish to be treated. Then start practicing some real deep self-Love. ( From the inside out) You have the Breath of Life and Love inside you - like we all do. Remember to Love, Protect and Share it with & for yourself & others. Also do the same for the Temple it resides in..Tour Body... Once you can do this the universe will forgive your transgressions. Your life will take on better choices. Your Creator has things in control more than you think.<br />
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LOVE & HUGS, livingwell