I'm Not Exactly Sure When I Lost It Either...

I wish I could pinpoint the date when I lost my mind, but I can't.  All I know is that it's gone and I'm slowly working to get it back. 

This nightmare all began back in June 06 when I started dating my current boyfriend.  He has a child and a very miserable ex wife, who I might add is still not legally his "ex" just yet.  I thought I would be able to handle it, you know, a child and an ex.  They don't even live near us - they live 7 hours away.  But I guess I just couldn't handle it.

I'm bipolar II, and for the past 6 years everything has been in order with my diagnosis. I'd go to the doctor every few months for medication management and every thing's been fine.  There were some tough times but other than that, I could say that my bipolar has been pretty cooperative.  But this miserable money hungry white trashy ex wife and child were just too much for my moods and sent me over the edge.  I began cutting myself to release the pain of the emotions I was feeling inside, my mood swings were up and down almost daily and I found myself spending more and more days under the covers than out enjoying life.  I still had (and have to this day) my job, which I love, but all of this was just too much for me to handle. 

And then it happened....my boyfriend went to settle his divorce in other state and left me home alone for 3 days.  And it was those days that I planned to kill myself.  It was those 3 days when I thought it was all too much to handle and I couldn't do it anymore.  It was those 3 days when I lost sight of reality, forgot about everything I had already accomplished in my life, forgot about my brother and my family and everyone out there who loves me.  It was somewhere over those 3 days that at 25 years old, I had a nervous breakdown. 

It's a haze now, most of it anyway.  I called my doctor sometime over those days and he suggested going to a partial hospitalization program.  And that's where I am now, trying to pick up the pieces of my life.  At 25, trying to figure out what the hell happened to me.  It's scary because a year ago I was so full of life, love and happiness and now I'm sedated by medication.  My left wrist has scars from where I dug glass into it to release pain, scars that will never go away and are an everyday reminder of what I've done to myself.

Am I going to stay with my boyfriend you ask? That's the million dollar question.  I'm not strong enough yet to make any major decisions.  I'm just trying to recover now and trying to realize that I can make it.

So I guess I can pinpoint when I lost it....
brownie17 brownie17
22-25, F
Apr 1, 2007