Gone And Never To Return

I am now 28 years old living back in my mums house that i left when i was 18, looking back i had a house girl i loved 12 month little girl and my dog i had it all now its all gone because of 1 night of madness, it all started last summer i was working outside in my cousins house and started drinking about 11am right through till i went home were i continued to drink vodka lots of vodka and few shoots Jamaican rum with my missus her friend and my friend when at about 10pm i staggered to bed were they continued drinking till about 2am, i woke the next day to find that my house was in a terrible state and the spare room was flooded with water my missus was gone along with the baby and dog my heart sank i just new something was not right so i called her and asked her were she was when she was just screaming at me that i had assaulted her badly in the earlier hrs and she was full of bruises, i was completely shell shocked just could not believe it, she then sent me pictures of her she had 1 on her leg 1 on her arm and a black eye, i just cannot describe how i felt at this moment sick to the core, i was just thinking( this is not me I'm not a violent person at all what the hell has happened here) it was only 3 days later when we were talking were she told me that at 5 in the morning i got out of bed naked to go the toilet when were she woke up and told me to get some clothes on as her friend was in the house, were i  muttered back "shut up" she tried 3 times to pull me back into the room were i thrown her off me resulting in her hitting the floor, then i walked to the spare room were i was staring into the wall with a vacant look on me, she then went downstairs and filled a huge pan with cold water and thrown it all over me were i then lashed out and punched her in the face and then slipping on the wet wooden floor running downstairs and waking her friend who was out of the count and calling her parents, now i don't have any memory of what happened what i have told u is what she said happened, the only memory i have is her dad having me against the wall shouting at me, that is it nothing else at all.
 I just cant believe that i could be capable of such a horrific assault to someone i love so much never in my life have or ever will hit a woman or man its just not me. I remember about a month before this i was away working staying in a hotel i had drank a fair bit then and i sleepwalked to the lobby about 3am were they guided me back to my room scary or what, i told my missus too after it had happened, but she just will not accept that this was a sleepwalking incident, i am now just condemned as a violent scumbag and left the house there and then, she come back and emptied the house and moved to a secrete location,i went back to my mums house devastated really really devastated,i was off work because i was to stressed to go in when i received a phone call from her saying she was pregnant with our 2ND child which i had no idea about she didn't know what to do she was just crying and i was too, i told her i would never drink like that again never never but she just hung up i could not imagine how she was feeling, she then contacted me a few days later telling me she was getting an abortion i was physically sick, did not sleep for days on end just praying that she would forgive me and start again when i received a text that she had a miscarriage i just could not believe it really could not believe it how has all this hell happened so quickly i did not eat properly for weeks i felt so guilty on her i could not sleep work or go out the house or speak to any friends i just locked myself in my room all the time i have lost lots of weight and have no social life and just cannot get myself to work i had a few jobs but have not lasted long i have lost my mind i cant get out of bed i just lay there curled up in a ball for hrs i have lost my will to live i cant do anything no more i just think about her and the baby all the time and have nightmare of other men with my girl and child I'm a nervous wreck and my whole family don't know who i am anymore i was always bright and cheerful with lots of energy now i am just a empty lifeless soul why has this happened to me Ive been to coucelling had anti depressants gone the gym nothing is working i just really feel like ending it there just does not seem any point in living anymore i have a constant scary feeling in me 24-7 will this pass its been 8 months now and no sign of improvement life is so **** now they were my life will i ever recover from this ???