The ocean is not wide enough to keep us apart...I have a sad story to tell, but one I am hoping will have a happy ending. I must hope...
I have found my soul-mate, but we are separated by 6,000 miles, 15 years and the Cold War.
I am an American woman and 20 years ago I lived in the Soviet Union, just as it was collapsing. I was a journalist. I lived in the USSR for two years on assignment and while I was there I met the love of my life, a Russian man named Nikolai (Kolya). We became very close friends. We have so much in common it is unbelievable. Even though we are from different countries, it was as if we were twins. I cannot explain it. It just was.
But I was an idiot then, and filled with self-doubt, and did not see his love for me. There were cultural misunderstandings and of course we were both still very young, in our 20's. He never told me that he loved me and I ended up leaving Russia with my heart torn to ribbons.
The years went by. I worked as a journalist in the US all of my life. The life was very hard on me. Eventually, I married out of pure loneliness, to an American man. He has been a good husband, but with him I never feel like I am reaching my full potential. We are like friends, but there has never been a romantic spark between us and sex is very rare. It is really more of a friendship than a marriage. We never had children. My husband became very sick shortly after we were married, and it turned out that he had caught a virus which settled in his heart. I supported him for three years as I watched him die slowly day by day. It was horrific. He finally got a heart transplant. As luck would have it, a Russian doctor performed the surgery. It was so comforting to have that familiar Russian accent, and Russian warmth around. The doctor was very kind and compassionate, always holding my husband's hand, always telling me it would be OK, that we would make it.
My husband is healthy now, but I am sick. I suffered a nervous breakdown at the end of his illness. I simply ran out of energy and collapsed, lost my job and have been unemployed for two years. I write freelance articles and spend a shameful amount of time on Facebook.
But on Facebook, I met Kolya again. And I listened to some songs he had composed right around the time when I left Russia. The songs were all written about me. I was in shock. His heart was broken when I left Russia and he sang about how he would stare at the constellations and wonder why life had to be so hard. It broke my heart to hear his songs. He never told me!!
So now, I am trying to build a bridge back to Kolya. He never married. But that doesn't mean he is available. And I currently am married, although it is not an ideal situation and I cannot say I am happy. I love my husband, and I am glad I was able to help him through his sickness. But now I am so tired, so worn out, and sometimes I wonder if I am meant to have any happiness in this life. If I were to leave my husband, I do not think he would be alone for long. Perhaps he could even find his soul-mate and they could have great sex which I am unable to provide, although I really do try!
Kolya and I have been talking for over a year now, but it is very slow. He has told me that I was always in his heart, that I was like a ray of sunshine in his life during the collapse of his country. He is very kind, but he is also much more reserved than he used to be and sometimes he will not answer me for weeks at a time. My biggest mistake was that I asked if I could download his songs - before I realized they were about me. He replied very simply that he did not know how to do that, and then he was quiet for weeks.
I am trying so hard to just go with the flow here... let the current carry me where it will... and to believe in the good. It is so hard. My heart is broken and I cry often. I want to stay connected with Kolya, never lose him. But to be separated like this is agony. I am trying to find a way to travel to Russia just to see him again... my husband knows about this and has actually been very supportive, even though he has a few (justifiable) fears that I may take off with Kolya.
I do not want to break anyone's heart. Am I selfish to ask for some happiness in my life, if it is not already too late? Am I crazy? After this many years, can love still exist....?
Shutka 46-50 5 Responses 0 Mar 19, 2012