The Friend


This was posted in the wrong group before.

I spoke to a friend of mine who had been married for almost a two decades.  Her and her husband have have easily one the best marriages you can imagine.  I mentioned that I would love to have a marriage like that and she pointed out to me that the secret was that she married her best friend.  This sounds good on the surface

Unless you never progress past being the friend.

I am a friend and that is where it ends.  My life is a 42 year record of being someone that almost every woman can say "He's a great catch . . . just not for me."  As a guy I have fought being the friend for years.  I know that no matter what good intentions there are for making a man a friend, the results are the same:  He is dismissed, only without the messiness of breaking up.  This way on the surface it was clean and friendly.

If you've ever wondered, a guy like me who has been the friend several times in his life wonders how never getting dumped but sent to the relationship purgatory is supposed to be better.  "Let's be friends is not a "Screw you" or a "Lose my number" but more falls along the lines of "Keep a respectful distance" or "You understand , don't you?"  Basically it's saying "If there is an opening in the future I may call" knowing full well that call will never come.

It's wondering how you can watch a complete *** lie and cheat these women over and over again.  And to watch them be allowed by these women to return and do it again repeatedly.  Then have these same women pour their heart out to you about what this *** did to them and "how they wish they could love and respect them" not thinking of the fact that they are sitting across from a man that would kill for the chance to do just that with them

There is plenty of advice out there that suggests that in order to get a woman's attention you need to be the ***.  That way they pay attention.  If you are too nice, you aren't a challenge.  While I see the validity of the point, lying to get your attention is not me.  If I'm not an *** why do I have to act like one.

I was with a woman for a few months.  In her I thought I had found my best friend.  We talked about everything under the sun, sometimes until 4:00 am.  She told me how her ex husband would lie to her and how those lies lost her homes and friends over time.  She told me her then on again off again boyfriend would basically show up for sex.  In the months we were together, it became my mission to be the man that allowed her to forget about these guys.  I loved her and was devoted to her.  I respected her and her home.  Gave her all the time and attention that I could.  And over time I saw the sparkle in her eyes come back because she knew she was loved.  In the end, we sat down.  Her ex husband had said all the right things and she wanted to go back to him because he said he's changed.  So as we sat down, she told me that my devotion to her was incredible, I was there through the tough times of her summer and made her feel wonderful.  I was an amazing man. And that we would need to be friends so that she could pursue her ex.  Of course I was pissed but in the end, I am the friend again, watching another woman I love, love someone else, who is an ***. 

But I'll do it again, because I'm a good man and a friend.  And that's where it ends.


GoodMan67 GoodMan67
41-45, M
3 Responses Feb 15, 2010

I feel awful because when my marriage was going through a break up, the best friends I discovered I had were two men. One is a serial adulterer who gave me advice about my husband! The other was a really sweet and good hearted man from work...years younger than me, he advised me and tried to help me understand how men see things, what they mean when they say certain things, etc. I am still friends with these guys, I just hope to God they weren't there for me because they saw me as more than a friend, because if that is the case, I was blind and insensitive.<br />
I feel so sorry for such sensitive people, why are others so blind? Perhaps, as I was.

I can't give up. I have a lot of friends who have the kind of marriages you can only dream of. Together 20 years plus with the girl they will spend the rest of their lives with. It's frustrating to live through it because I can almost recite what she'll say before she says it. But I know I'll get there sometime and if I don't I'll be true to me.

Thank you for sharing this post. I have read it 3 times because I just flowed in my mind like a river. There are lots of good men and ladies out there that have been repeatedly hurt and have given up. I am glad you have not given up.