Long Gone.

I met him in university. A school of 10,000 freshmen, and somehow we had 2classes together. We stared at each other for months. I was shy,  and had a boyfriend, so I ran away whenever he talked to me, literally. But his green eyes captivated me endlessly, and I let him follow through with a conversation.  I got his e-mail through a class study list, and contacted him. From the first day, it was over. We spoke for hours on the phone - I still hear the hollow depth of his voice coming through the wires as longingly as one remembers their favourite childhood meal.

Our first kiss on his narrow bed in the basement of the hundred year old residence. Long and wild, like the Nile, as he once wrote in poetry. I resisted foolishly at first, but by the end of the kiss, his scruffy cheek and heavenly lips would be burned in my soul.

Through a year of pain, I resisted ending my other relationship - damaging my relationship with him irreparably. He sought after me endlessly, and won me over. We dated for a year - passionate and intense. Spending every waking moment breathing in each other's grace. My best friend, he understood my humour and my flaws. He loved my lack of functionality- we forgave each others mistakes. But my cell of a room was too much. And so he left. One day, against the backdrop of rain shattering my window and reality.  He cried in my arms, as I consoled him. He was leaving me, and yet I loved him so deeply that I held him in my arms for hours as he cried.

I couldn't handle it then. I called, begged for his forgiveness. He couldn't do it. He returned to me temporarily, but more out of habit then anything substantiating. I spent hours crying in the library - I had no friends, I had only him for all those years. Exams failed, soul deflated, I moved home.

Years later, I still dream of him. We carried on for a long time after - but he would never fully return. He'd stand and wonder if our relationship would work, he would take of my body, take of my soul, but never give of his heart.

And then he fell in love in a stopover in Paris, and stays with her. But wrote me a letter before he moved there, though we had not spoken in months. He tells me he dreams of me, he misses me. But he won't come back.

And every day. Every god damn day he fills my mind. I lost not only my true soul mate, but my partner, my best friend. Someone who understood me like no other. My love for him over-rules my common sense - knowing that if he wanted to return, he would have. But I can't get it out of my mind. It's there, all day. Even as my other lovers come into my life, what I feel for him remains.

I want him out of my head, or into my life, and I can't have either, and it drives me insane.

hoppipolla hoppipolla
5 Responses Mar 2, 2010

Still here. Still feeling the same. Still waiting, still hoping.

Hoppi - your words kindle the pain in my own heart and I feel so much compassion for what you have and continue to go through. Can I ask, your story doesnt really make it clear what caused the break up between the two of you? My story ended when her family had to move back to England for her Dads job. Her Dad liked me very much and literally told me he wanted me to come back with them, get a job and marry his daughter. I hesitated, I was very young and I hesitated. She held on for several months, but then moved on with her life and the hole has remained in my heart since then. When I think I'm getting past it, there's a dream or a sudden flashback, and I'm right back to those days. I understand time is supposed to heal all wounds, and I wish I could tell you it's true, but if I judge from my own experience, it may not work for everyone.

Like you, the only thing I can think of doing is praying that life has worked out well for her and maybe that she will remember me with kindness sometime. I never told her I loved her although I'm sure she knew it. She has left me with half a heart and I dont think I will ever fully get it back. Sometimes I feel like a soldier who has come back from war with a leg shot off - I will never have it back again and unti I die I'm going to be limping along.

Whenever the memories get overpoweringly poignant I find some solace in being able to read the stories of others and write about how my own story has impacted me as well.

I hope that you will find some escape, even temporarily from the pain you are feeling.

3 years past this post, almost 7 years gone, and still feel the same. I work on letting go of my desires and focusing on his happiness as the only goal I seek from him, while also recognizing that his happiness is his path, and so the best I can do is accept his path as whatever he makes it.

I just wish my heart could let him go, and that he wouldn't appear in my dreams - standing, watching, but never coming.

I know just how you feel. I still dream of her often. Its been over 3 years since we broke up. I spent 5 years with her and loved her so intensely that it nearly destroyed me when she left.

maybe I knw what you mean, maybe I know what you feel. just maybe, coz I've been there I guess...We wonder everyday, "what if?". We wonder everyday why didn't I protect what I had? How did I loose? <br />
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But the truth is what's done is done, we can never change it. No use in regretting. Realise that and it becomes easy.<br />
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And time, yes it heals you slowly. It really does..Take care.