Not Enough Time!

At 16 weeks I went to my doctors and found out that my daughter had a club foot, very little fluid, a bladder obstruction, 2 vessel cord, and a bright spot on her heart. My doctor told me it wasn't good and sent me to a specialist. I was so scared. The specialist gave me the option to terminate my pregnancy, but I couldn't do that. As time passed it seemed like things were starting to get better, her bladder would go down in size and she would have fluid! I had high hopes. Until about 22 weeks along. They saw that one of her kidneys had failed and her other kidney was only producing a little urine. The specialist and my doctor are pushing the issue that I need to terminate. I still couldn't believe them. I was in denial! So I switched doctors and got a second opinion from another specialist. He had the same news. Only he offered for me to go see the chief of fetal surgery in Colorado. So I did. We talked about an amnio port, which they would put saline into the port 3 times a week so she had fluid and her lungs would develop. I talked to the kidney transplant doctors about dialysis after she was born and how a kidney transplant works. They told me that with all her problems she may never be able to get on the transplant list. I kept fighting for her life, I was ready to do anything! While I was in Colorado at the children's hospital they gave me an amniotic transfusion (adding saline to the amniotic sac) so they could look at her better and run tests to see what the diagnose was. After the transfusion they released me from the hospital an hour later. So I went back to my hotel and tried to relax. I was scared that they were going to have more bad news. The next morning I go back and meet with all the doctors at the children's hospital. It is bad news. They diagnose her with VACTERL Vertabral, Anal, Cardiac,Trachea, Esophagus, Renal, (kidneys), Limbs. Both kidneys had failed, she didn't have a rectum, she was missing her tail bone and her spine was twisted. Her right femur was shorter than her left, her ancle was backwards, and she had the bright spot on her heart and thick muscle around her heart along with a little fluid. The transplant doctors told me that she would have a slim chance of getting on the transplant list for a kidney. I was told that she would have to go through surgery after surgery since she didnt have a rectum and some of her bones were missing. So at this point I stop thinking of me and I think of her. What life will this child have? Surgery after surgery, living on a machine that acts as her kidneys! How long will she live if she makes it to birth! I asked to speak with Dr. Chrombleholme, the chief of fetal surgery and he tells me that the amnio port is not a good idea and he is real hesitant since its an experiment and she has all these problems. He explains VACTERL is rare and most babies that do have it survive because it's never this severe. So I decide to head back home and pray for the best for my baby girl. As I get on the plane to go home I start having contractions. They aren't severe and I didn't really know what they were. When I get to the airport and my bf picks me up I can feel them getting more intense. So I tell him that I think I need to go to the hospital. He agrees so I call my mom, she meets me at our place. As soon as I walk in our door I feel fluid leak. So I pack my bag to have my mom take me to the hospital. My bf stays here to watch the kids. (he's not the baby's father). When I get to the hospital they put the monitors on me. Sure enough I was having contractions. They put the heart monitor on and couldn't find her heartbeat. After about 2 mins of them looking for her heartbeat I already had that feeling she was gone. My doctor comes in with an ultrasound and sure enough there is no heartbeat! I died, I couldn't believe it! I go on with delivery, my baby girl was born at 12:31 PM Thursday April 26th 2012. My doctor wrapped her up and handed her to me after she was born. That's when her name came to me! Emily Marie, my lil me! She was born at 25 weeks and 3 days! I held her the 2 days I was in the hospital. It didn't really hit me until I was getting discharged and the nurse told me they had to send her down to the morg! I lost it then! This was the hardest thing I ever had to do! I had to leave the hospital empty handed after delivery, I had to plan a funeral for my daughter. While I was in the hospital my other daughter turned 3 April 27th! I felt horrible! I just lost my baby and missed my others baby's birthday! I finally said my goodbyes to my baby and let the nurse take her to the morg. About 20 mins after I got home a nurse called me saying I needed to come back, the lab tests came in and I had a blood infection. I was strong that night my bf was by my side, but the next day I had them pull her out of the morg so I could hold her. I held her for about 6 more hours and the doctors told me I was fine and that I was getting discharged. I again had to say my goodbyes. I felt a little more comfort knowing that the funeral home was on the way to pick her up so she wouldn't have to stay in the hospital morg. I said my goodbyes, again and went home to plan her funeral. I had her funeral May 5th 2012. It was very beautiful. I just miss her everyday and I want her with me so bad. I'll someday be with her, and the only thing that's keeping me from going crazy is my 2 beautiful kids and my supportive bf! Today, mothers day has been hard and I just gave my daughter a birthday party yesterday. It's been a rough ride and I hope the pain eases up as time goes on. I'm blessed to have the memories and pictures of my baby Emily!
Emilysmommy88 Emilysmommy88
22-25, F
1 Response May 14, 2012

Am so sorry for your loss,I relate with you,I recently lost my baby Gal too at 34weeks.its heart breaking.May God see us through