My My Buddy!

I lost my brother on jan 5 2012 to small cell carcinoma, lung cancer. I am 48 and he was 45. We were best buds growing up and I remember taking on the neighborhood bully because he was trying to beat him up. I don't know that I Much of a difference because
I am a girl but
I always tried to protect my brother. This time however I could not protect him. I was able to help care for him for
9 months and I was able to let him know how much I
Loved him so I have no regrets in that respect. I watched him die a horrendous death and I still relive
The last few hours over and over again. At first when he was diagnosed I told him to fight. After watching him suffer so bad on the last day I told him it was okay to stop fighting that me and the family would be okay we just didn't want to watch him suffer anymore. I. Know my brother is in Heaven But my life is not the same without him I miss-him every hour of everyday . I have become bitter and I don't know why or how to over come this bitterness. There is a whole in my heart and I don't think it will ever heal. I'm tired of being sad but I don't know how to over come this sadness. I realize I am still alive because God has a purpose for me and that purpose has not been fulfilled yet. However I can not for the
Life of me figure out what that purpose is, so I will continue to pray and trust that one day God will reveal his purpose to me. I will continue with my life but afraid it will always be a sad life for
Me. I love and miss my brother so much it hurts.
Tfinn64 Tfinn64
46-50, F
9 Responses Oct 18, 2012

I lost my brother and sister so I know how you feel

I feel so sorry for your loss. You will be his sister again in ur next life. Don't worry, he did know you care about him and always be here wanted to protect him.

Your Tone , your words , your sound makes no one doubt the love you have for your brother and surely your brother realize this before his death. The good Lord would grant his everlasting peace.

Im sorry for your loss 😞

When we have had the beautiful relationship with someone we love , incredible sadness overwhelms us when death puts an end to the bond. But the truth is, death does not and cannot separate you from your brother. Love is a form of energy and it is still possible to feel and communicate with the spiritual energy of the loved ones that is bonded to you. They have just left the physical body. The finer subtle energy form still exists and can be felt when you call for its presence from the depth of your being. Remember that he is always with you and wherever you go and he is free from any form of suffering that can be experienced in the physical form.

I lost my father when I was16....the healing takes time. It won't always be a sad never know what is around the next corner. As far as your purpose goes, I would call sharing your story a pretty good purpose. Many people go through what you went through. At the beginning of their journey, they are confused, hurt, anger, and desperate. But I'm not telling you anything you don't know. It would be a hard job, but someone like you could help guide them. It would be a blessing to all involved if you did some volunteer work to helps those that are just now entering this difficult journey or need a shoulder as their journey is coming to a close. God always has a plan. Serenity will find you. Namaste

I don't know if you noticed but you spelled the hole in your heart "whole". Could this be your little Bud working on your sub conscience telling "you" it's time to go on and quit your suffering? I think it very well is. He wants you grasp life by the horns not only for yourself but for him. Take care and start your new adventure.

First...I'm sorry for your loss! This "vow of protection" for your brother is kind of like the same (unwritten) vow parents take when a child is born to them. We task ourselves to watch over the child and protect them from virtually everything. Sounds good and looks good on paper, but the reality of it all is that we don't have the power or capabilities to actually accomplish that task, only because it's unrealistic! Are you angry because he "abandoned" you, in a manner of speaking, or are you angry because you couldn't "protect" him?Sounds like you had a strong spiritual connection with your brother and I'm sure you had some kind of a relationship on some level with his soul in a previous life, though that may not make any sense to you at all, but it is what it is!I'm a survivor of a full-blown near death (transcendent) experience in 1981, so that's why I stated what I did. As a retired therapist myself, my suggestion is that you enlist the assistance of a therapist who specializes in grief counseling and do some one-on-one time with him or her in order to help you put your loss and grief into a healthy perspective.You'll see your brother again - I promise! :-)

My prayers are with you. I am so sorry, may God rest his soul in peace, and give you and your family peace and strength. You're all fighters.💕

My thoughts & prayers are with you. All I can say is take it one day at a time, we all grief differently that bitterness will end up going away. When I loss my dad 5 years ago to Throat cancer I to was bitter angry it took me 3 years to let go I figured out I was angry for him leaving & asking why him he never smoked a day in his life. I spoke to him I still do bout how I felt sounds crazy but it helped, your a wonderful sister for being there for him loving him & taking care of him. Keep all those beautiful memories alive in your heart, work on letting that bitterness go maybe you can help others going thru same thing. One thing I believe is he is always with u just as much as u think of him everyday every hour. God bless u & take one day at a time.