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Losing My Brother At 13

I am a 14 year old girl, who was planning my 14th birthday party on September 9th, 2012. I was finishing up all the invitations that I wrote by hand when my phone started to ring. It was my sister, who lives in another state. I happily answered to hear her sniffling and immediately could tell she had been crying. She asked if I could give my phone to my mom, I do so, then see my mom fall to the floor. She was just given the news her son had died. I had no clue what was going on until my mother started to scream, "My son, my son."

That was one of the longest nights I had ever experienced. So many phone calls, tears, and hugs. My entire family was notified and everyone showed up at my house. My mother had gone hysterical, and I made it my job to be there for her.

We drove to my brother's state, which is 5 hours away. He lived amongst my mothers family, so they were all gathered waiting for the mother to arrive. My brother was buried on the day of my birthday, September 12th. I was in no state of mind to be told "Happy Birthday!", but of course I was told so many times and was given cards and such. Everyone tried to make it seem like it was okay, but it wasn't.

One of the hardest things, was having people at school find out. From teachers, to classmates, to friends, to family friends, the phone calls poured in. Not to mention the birthday texts. I felt terrible. I am not one to have people feel pity for.

School? A week of that was missed. I couldn't care less. When I went back I had to notify some teachers of why I was absent. Some were mean to me, thinking I had skipped a week of school for an illness. But once I told them my brother passed away, it was as if the blood was drained from their faces.

I keep being told how strong of a 14 year old I am. I stood by my mom through it all and didn't break down in front of her once. I couldn't for her sake. No one knows how much of a toll its taken on me. Not even I knew until recently. 5 months later and I keep being asked the same question by everyone, "Are you okay, you seem different?". The truth is I am not okay, I feel like I've fallen into a deep dark pit and I'm sitting there all alone, just thinking. Life has no meaning anymore. I was a straight A student and my grades are stumbling now. I don't know if losing my brother was the reason for this drastic change in my personality, but his death is the biggest loss I have ever had.
Gingersnaps1 Gingersnaps1 13-15, F 2 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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Wow, you sound so strong and so brave! But don't forget to take some moments to yourself and have a good cry and let some of that pain out. My brother passed away almost 4 years ago and I still think of him every day and I still cry tears for him, mostly when I am by myself. I know how you feel and if you need to talk ever, I can listen. My brother also died the day before my daughter's 9th birthday so I understand how difficult that must be for you! Take care and stay positive <3

Before going to bed when I'm all alone is the time I use to cry. It's almost been a year and it's still hard. Thank you so much, I'm sorry for your loss as well.

You are not alone in your grief. I lost my brother many years (>30) ago, and it still hurts. There is no alternative but to be strong for your Mom.

I'm sorry. And I will be, thank you.