My Daughter Died A Second Time

After sixteen years of a hellish marriages, I left in 2005.  We have four children, currently ages 18, 16, 8, and 6.  For the first 30 days after I left, my ex-husband refused to let me see the children and used this time to brain wash them.  When I was reunited with the children, the two oldest were so set against me that they acted out in ways that became so unworkable that I had to have their dad come get them.  They have ever since held this against me.  Their dad has capitalized on this and made it a continual source of strife that he uses to alienate them for me.  He will not let them get past it. 

Due to the extent of alienation that the judge observed at the time of the divorce he made the unwise ruling that the two oldest children could decide if and when they wanted to see me.  From December 2006, the day I asked their dad to come ge them, until June of 2009 we had little to no contact, despite my efforts.  My children would literally see me in the store and walk in the other direction.

In 2008, my exhusband was indicted and place the blame on me once again.  In retaliation he filed a custody modificaiton on me.  This time somethings were actually rectified.  The judge saw his alienation for what it was and called him out on it.  The judge order that a reunification process begin for me and the older children.  It was not progressing very well but in September of 2009, my ex went to prison.  During my ex's absence it became necessary for me to take over custody of my oldest daughter.  I also filed a custody modification case for full custody of all 3 children. 

For 5 months, I had my daughter back.  Things were pretty good and then unexpectedly my ex was released.  The parenting coordinator was not around to coordinate the reintegration.  The parenting coordinator had warned us that it could be harmful to my daughters progress if we were not careful with this process.  Without my permission my daughter returned to her dad's custody abruptly and defiantly.  She said she would return in couple of days but never did.  I called the police to file custodial interference. 

Due the back log in family court, the modification I had filed back in Sept. was not heard until yesterday.  Even with the parenting coordinators report, stating who the alienating party is and detailing all the work my daughter and I had accomplished, the judge ruled against me getting 50/50 custody of my daughter.  Not only did the judge not rule for me, he berated me for 45 minutes and labelled me the alienator.  The judge did not focus on all that I done right only on the fact that I called the police.  I felt like my daughter died again.  That judge has no idea what he has done.  He has returned everything to square one and given my ex-husband all the fuel he needs to continue to alienate and destroy.

I have been through this for 5 years now.  My conclusions are:  1) There is no help in the courts, 2) The abuser always prevails and 3) My children will never have a normal life. 

minustwo minustwo
7 Responses Apr 24, 2010

I am living through the E X A C T same thing. I have let go. It was that or die.

He is a millionaire lawyer, but I keep going I went back and finished college. My ex molested my oldest daughter.

I told the truth and lost everything. Your three conclusions are correct.

But I obtained a job, stay alone and I am working As a psychologist who assesses substance a users. 90% of the addicts and alcoholics I help are young and if all I accomplish each day is to save one child I have saved someone else's child. If I can't save my own then I can save someone else's. they are all gods children and that is how I survive.

I have many dark nights of the soul, but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Somedays I can only take minute by minute.

I am alone but I got out with my soul and god sees what he has done. I will let god handle him.

I told the truth and lost everything but I got out with my soul.

He uses his money to keep them under his control. I am the ostracized one.

But I have to keep going, doing what's right, because my daughter betrayed me too but they are watching.

I just thought I was only one this has happened too. I told the truth and I would do the exact same thing again. I could not keep quiet when my oldest daughter told me the truth.

I have been alone for 6 years now. But I can live with myself.

I cannot think the closest you can come to hell or insanity as you watch the heart of a child break in two.

I will pray for you. That was my secret. He (God) that is in me is stronger than he that is in the world.

Thank you god you have NEVER let me down.

I am so sorry for you going throug this. I am in an alienation case with my ex. Severly withone of my three children. I am a survivor of domestic violence and the fact that the court didnt address his previous covicted behavior of abuse more is a factor of his parenting abilities was the first mistake by the courts. Alienation of a child is so hurtful to us but destroys them so much as well. It hurts. I have two of my three children and the alienated child I have missed four Christmas' now. I have not seen him in a year. The courts recognozed it as the worst alienation its seen but allow my son to stay with his father and start counseling once a week. My ex that the court recognizes as the one responsible is not ordered to any therepy. Its like allowing someone convicted of abuse to keep their victim and treat the victim to learn to cope with living in those circumstances. So very sad and an impossible cure. My heart goes out to all in these situations but mostly to the children that have no idea they are being emotionally abused and manipulated. Losing precious time with ones who love them so. I pray for all of us for healing and a court system to wake up and educate our judgesand attorneys on this. My husband and I look for ways to help others. This web site is refreshing to have a place to conect and share. We hve gone broke with trying to save my son but i know much awareness has been made for those around us and in our community. We must embrace the places we are making change even when it isnt in our own circumstance. I pray for change that the next mom in court behind me is given the awareness by the judge from the information we have given to make him think twice and save a family and child the pain of alienation.

January 25th I was served a restraining order to not see one of my three children. I too was having difficulty raising a boy who is being brainwashed since he was 9 today this boy is 13 and lost. I have not seen my boy for 15 days and feel emptiness in my house without him.. I had a hearing and lost my boy-the judge was a criminal judge and completely cut me out of my son's life no visitation or anything. I am cut off after 13years of being with my child. My other two children feel the loss too. My baby must feel totally lost and using a child to hurt his own mother. I am disgusted with the justice system. My child is living 100 percent with an abuser who abused me for over 10 years. I wish we can call oprah or Dr. Phil to get more attention in this matter. Anyone up for this. I am.

Feel for you all.

I totally understand your pain. My story is different but the same in the sense that the courts made some HUGE mistakes with not protecting my child from this child abuse. I agree that the people who are put in place by our courts are doing nothing to educate themselves on this matter, and many cases and hurting children have fallen through the cracks, cases and children just like yours and just like mine. I wish there was SOMETHING that could be done. It's an awful thing to go through, and children are so damaged from this manipulation and abuse from the abusers. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE and I wish there were more that parents like us could do to make that happen!

I agree you on your conclusions: 1) There is no help in the courts, 2) The abuser always prevails and 3) My children will never have a normal life.

But I am not giving up for hope that my child will not turn out as the abusers. I pray for him everyday. I also pray for my ex and her whole family (the abusers) have empathy for others. I firmly believe that the only way true healing can happen is if the alienators decide that being so narcissistic is hurting themselves and everyone around them.

I know my child will not be normal (whatever normal is) but I pray from him to rise above it and be an overcomer.

More people need to be taught empathy!!

I think it is so very sad to have 2 beautiful children who adore me but at every turn their controlling demanding dad throws a fit and against all court orders, he takes them on my Christmas holidays, for the whole 2 weeks, for Labor Day (which is my given holiday) he goes into the school and pulls them out and takes them out of state, he takes them for several weeks in the summer when he is ordered and allowed only ONE. He does as he pleases ...but to take them on my MOTHERS DAY!???? HOW DARE the man who wanted me to ABORT my precious kids to suddenly take it into his own hands and not let them see the One who loves them beyond all others, who gave them life? (even when he didnt want me to?) My heart and soul cries out to all of you to FIGHT BACK!~!!!!!! Never give up! NEVER give up on your child! There is a link on YOUTUBE that every alieniated parent needs to watch , posted by a daughter of an alieniating father. Her heart is breaking and tears well up several times as she gives her speech. PL

Hi well that gives me hope i need , i can't afford expensive gifts n they wont even give me t time of day to take them out on an outting but i shall try n remain in contact by letters n emails texts, birthdays . I thought i was making it worse by texting or emailing as they say not to so i hope it works out in time. :-)

The courts are illprepared to solve matters regarding alienation, you'd be fortunate to find a judge that even believes PAS exists. That much being said, there are things you can do, and first and foremost is to develop a more positive attitude, as compared to the "defeatest" attitude you currently maintain. <br />
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It's not that there is "no help" in the courts, but they do sometimes fail to correctly analyze the situation and if they make a ruling that is not in your favor it can add fuel to the fire of the alienator. "See, I was right, even the judge agrees!".<br />
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Even though you may be fighting an uphill battle against the alienating parent who already has a jump on you, it is NOT true to assume they "always prevail" and that "you're children will never have a normal life" or that "there is no help in the courts".<br />
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I have two daughters now aged 18 and 14.5. My eldest didn't speak to me for 3 full years and my youngest for a year during the worst part of my divorce due to what I maintain was alienating strategy on the part of my now exwife. Long story short, I maintained consistent efforts to reach out to them, with letters, emails, texts, gifts on birthdays and occasions, and one at a time they sought me out, and eventually they moved in with me and I ended up with sole custody of both. <br />
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I see stories like the one posted here and I can't help but think that you have become your own worst enemy by throwing up your hands and basically convincing yourself there's nothing you can do.