I Haven't Seen My Son Or Daughter In A Year

I always had a great relationship with my kids.  Growing up, I wanted to be a father.  One who took the kids
camping, fishing, to movies, went too all their recitals, games, you know, really involved.

My ex and I divorced 10 years ago, but I remained extremely close to my 2 kids.  Than, she found a live in
boyfriend.  He began slowly with remarks like, gee, your dad doesn't make as much money as me, or some
of your friends fathers.  Three years later, he has my children convinced I don't really love them because I
can't afford all the luxeries in life.  Mom tells the kids I cheat her on her child support, even though I've never
missed a payment in 10 years. 
Since, HE entered into the picture, my relationship with my daughter, (16), began to deteriorate, and finally he has convinced
my son, (12) somehow that I am not a caring man, because I don't give him the same things he can afford to give him.
Basically, he bought my children, made my ex the victim, and martyr, and now, I haven't seen my son in a year
in November.
It is literally killing me.  I love my children with every fiber of my being.  I've tried e mailing, & calling, but everything gets
intercepted.  My son has not received one message from me.
I've been to every ball game, and event my kids were ever in.  We did everything together.  Now, I've missed out
on everthing, and I have no idea how all of this will turn out.
I currently have a lawyer, and he's told me he can get this straightened out.  It's hard knowing however that the son,
and daughter who I've spent so much time laughing with, and raising, now don't want to see me.
I'm so depressed, I sometimes don't want to wake up to a new day.  I miss them beyond expression.
Ianand Ianand
46-50, M
26 Responses Nov 5, 2010

It's not your fault those kids don't deserve you, they really did not love you.

I wondered since your post is a few years old, if things have gotten any better? It's happened to me too, and I'm a mom. My ex didn't want a divorce, and I told him he would make the kids,not want to see me...thats exactly what he has done. I know what you mean about sometimes not even caring about seeing another day, but as hard and painful as it is, I'm starting to realize I still want to enjoy life, and live a healthty, happy, fun-filled life, even if that means I don't have my kids. They are now 14 and 1 month shy of 18. I know I'm missing out, but just pray things will get better when they're out on their own. In the meantime, I cherish the memories I had when I was a stay at home, hands-on mom for 15 years, and am working on myself...going back to school, starting a business, and finding out what makes me happy. Because I deserve to be happy.

My name is Michael Shaw
I've been fighting this same fight for four years, And to make thing worse I found out four months ago I have stage 4 Lung cancer. See my story on face book. Michael Shaw in Florida. Please

Yes it must be terribly hard for you, but try not to let yourself go, and it is easier said than done. God knows you love your children and He won't put anything in front of you that you can't handle.

He will take the necessary steps with your ex wife and boyfriend. Vengeance is mine says the Lord. Please try not to be depressed so long as you know you love your children inside your heart that will make you strong. We can't be responsible for other people's actions.

God will look after you, comfort you, protect you, give you hope and most importantly God loves you. Have faith and you will see Bless you

Actually, maxims like "God won't put anything in front of you that you can't handle" and "When a door is shut God opens a window" sound lovely, but they are not true. If they were, people would not commit (or attempt) suicide...

I really know how you feelx

@oftenpuzzled, this is more like what one needs to do if you have any chance at all of seeing your children again....stop the games...well done.<br />
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We are the adults and we need to set the example of behaviour, not crawl on our belly's to them offering anything to get maybe a hello or a card once in 5 years. We make ourselves pathetic to them by acting pathetic to them. DO NOT REWARD POOR BEHAVIOUR !!....gain respect.<br />
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"oftenpuzzled" succeeded because in effect she gave up on the aberrant behaviour of the child and set about living a life for herself. The child hated this situation because she no longer had "control" over her mother, she wanted to see her down and out.<br />
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I have set this in motion with my 2 alienated children that I haven't seen or heard of in nearly 3 years. I had loved them with all that I had and was ultimately dumped for money with both children actively helping the mothers plan to illegally deceive & manipulate.....not good enough in my books, I pretty much died inside at the time & barely operated for 2 years...I know the heartache very well.....also the shock that your own children could do such things & be so callous with it.<br />
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First and foremost to me is being a good father morally, so if the last thing I ever do for them is to not accept their poor behaviour, then so be it. I have sent them a letter telling them they are now both officially disowned & disinherited & that if they ever contest my will then all the documentation is there showing their wrong doing. I too am now living life again to the full, trips overseas, a new wonderful lady in my life, back to study etc. <br />
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The thing to remember here is just because they are your children, it doesn't mean they have the same heart as you....so stand up for what is right morally....if they come back it will be to someone they can respect.

I am sickened every time I read about parents (married or not) separating permanently and using their children as a blunt object to hurt their now ex-partner. They make up lies or, the most heinous act, make criminally false allegations of abuse/neglect. But the courts are EVERY bit as much to blame. We need legislation that ensures the non-custodial parent has WEEKLY visitation rights with their child(ren), even if it's supervised. That the courts don't ensure the parent-child bond is maintained is as "abusive" and harmful as any dirty trick used by the parent with custodial rights.

The only way you can be certain any children know the truth, the full story, is to keep a quasi-journal from birth on. Make sure you write about all the good things, AND the bad. Explain your perspective of how, why, when things went wrong. Include a mini autobiography about YOURself, not the distorted version your children were likely told. BUT if you did do wrong in any way, own it. Take responsibility for it. Every holiday, birthday, make sure to write about it and how you wish you were there to celebrate it. Include any cards or pictures they drew for you, as well as any photos you have of yourself with them, or of yourself.

Write/type in it weekly, monthly--just be consistent. Most importantly, find/pay a lawyer to serve as 'steward.' Draw up a contract that regardless of any circumstance--you become ill or die, or move away, or they move away--no matter the conditions that exist, that that journal will be delivered to your child(ren) when they are 18 or 21 years old. Of legal age in other words, and thus your former spouse/partner cannot interfere in any way, has no legal way to block delivery of the journal because the child(ren) has now attained adulthood and the person/persons who kept those children out of your life cannot do ANYthing about it. All the lies they told about you, whatever fabrications they came up with, all of it will be exposed and they can't do a thing about it. And if you wrote in it regularly for those first 18 or 21 years, it just gives YOU more credibility, let's your children know you didn't abandon or stop loving them but that, sadly, their father or side of the family lied all those years.

It may be your only recourse. But it shows you never stopped caring about them. Even better, they may realize they were brought up on lies and want to meet YOU, establish a relationship now that you both were maliciously denied when they were children.

Please read Breaking the Ties that Bond By Dr. Amy Baker. This book should help.

People are sick, and sometimes I blame the court system. I too am a victim to PAS. I have not seen my son in 5 months. Using mental health concerns against me. I work full time, attend school,and have family, friends, and coworkers that praise who I am. It is true to believe that kids will return. They are victims too. I am using my free time now to earn a higher degree. The future will prove better. There is always a new start, a new family,think positive, and tell yourself this is not your choice, and enjoy your life. You have zero control over this situation. Please do not let depression, anger or misery set in. This is the goal of the custodial adults. Please smile because I do believe karma will do its job.

I feel sorry for anyone in this situation. I'm a mother of 3 (soon to be 4) kids. I haven't seen 2 of them for 6 months and they have been living with their paternal aunt for over a year. I had depression and found it hard to cope after ex and I split so their aunty said she'd help out...fast foward to now and as I said my kids have been with her for over a year and I've seen then twice. They are 6 and 4. I've missed out on so much. My eldest went to another aunty but is now in foster care and she should be coming back to me in April which is great, but I still have my other kids too. It hurts so much sometimes I dont want to live, but I have another baby on the way ( new bf of one year) and I know I need to fight and be strong for my 4 kids and not give up. It's hard though coz courts and lawyers only seem to want money which I don't have. :((

very true

<p>As I read your story, and those that follow yours, the tears are rolling down my cheeks. It's been 7 years, since my divorce and since I've seen my 2 sons. (Which also stands true for my mom or my brother and my nephews.) The pain is sometimes unbearable, although I know that I need to push forward, and continue to look for the positives in my life. I left my verbally and at times physically abusive husband, thinking in my mind I was standing up for what was right, and for what should have been done years prior. Thinking I was making a stand and statement to my sons that how their father had treated me was NEVER acceptable....instead he brainwashed them. He lead them to believe I was leaving THEM not just him. Although, I tried to convince them otherwise, his presence and words were louder, and more demanding. He told them nasty things about me and made them believe I was only out to have a good time. I fought for years with counseling, courts, etc....----- Regardless, here I sit......7 years later, with 26 and 21 year old sons who have nothing to do with me. Oh yes, I've heard from my older son on occasion...with a request to send money, which I have sent excitedly and reluctantly, and usually following disappointment when I receive no thank you, no happy mother's day, no happy birthday, ......It is what it is, and someday I hope they can remember and see the mother they knew and always was. The one that took them to ba<x>seball games, parks, mini golf, ......I'm still here and I still love to do these things, I just miss doing it with my sons.</p>

Keep everything. All e-mails and communications. Send the gifts to the school so mother or boyfriend can not intercept. still let your child know you have not forgotten them in that way. Demand therapy sessions with a court appointed counselor of your choice named in the order without approval of mom to address the issues with your son and possible alienating tactics of the live in boyfriend. The counselor reports will be your best friend. Keep all phone records and a log off all attempts to contact your child that they refuse. Other then that wish you the best. Keep on it and don't give up if you have the ability to fight. Just get solid orders that you can preform parental duties without her interference.

Parental alienation is very real, i have seen this as well. While i was paying support i couldnt afford to give them all the luxuries. Mom and new hubby buy the an xbox and nintendo ds and four wheeler, i buy them a dvd player from walmart. The sad part is your kids like mine are at an age where money means the difference between being a loser and being popular. The lawyer will be a waste of money. What is the best possible outcome? The court tells the mother and bf not to try and manipulate the kids? How much did that just cost you? Furthermore the damage is already done and your children can now think for themselves.

How are you doing now, Ian ? Is anything better ?

Hello, my name is Simone. I am so very sorry to read your sad story, I really do understand what you are going through and how you are feeling. My ex-husband has Alienated me from my Son who will be 14 years of age at the end of March. Having read alot of information on the internet regarding 'Parent Alienation' , the reality of this horrific behaviour is just beyond belief. Like yourself, I too sometimes don't want to wake up to a new day. I feel very tired of going over my story with friends and family that I now feel that they are fed up of listening to me. I am just desperate for someone to wave a magic wand and make everything ok but, I know that this will not happen. The more of this that I read about, the more I think that there will be no end to this mental abuse.

Hi Simone,
What we go through is something those of us that are there can know.
Pain is real. Let it flow through you like a river. I wish you love.

Its been 12 years since i had any kind of relationship with my son. I try not to think about him, as it realy hurts when I do, however, when I do think about him, I get so depressed. I am told that someday, he will reach out. I find it hard to beleive. It Very difficult, and to top it off, just found out that I am now a grandfather. Makes it just that much harder. Will never know my grandaughter. But I Guess life goes on.

There are no answers. Noone can promise you a child will come back. Find a friend you can really be with,from your soul. I am listening to be here, if you wish to talk. I have been through this for 23 years. Love is real. It hurts when things go bad. There is beauty out there waiting for you. Sometimes you just have to hang on to see it again. Find something good and cherish kind people.
You will get through this. Just find simple things to look at and enjoy. Nature, flowers, write your feelings down. Watch a movie.

I am really sorry you have been through this like everyone else I understand. The best thing to do is try not to allow your emotions to make your decisions. If you had a really messy divorce consider that going back to court again will be 10 times worse and you will put your children through a second divorce. I would read Breaking the Ties that Bind by Amy Baker and also read her book Beyond the High Road, they will help you immensely in dealing with the alienating parent. An alienating parent is fueled by anger and resentment and is willing to hurt the children to hurt you. Try to learn from this terrible experience, I know it has helped me change for the better. I try not to dwell on the fact that my son doesn't want me in his life and would rather have a narcissistic step-dad as a real dad. But I know that one day when he is older he will see a difference, most likely when he is 40, so I am setting my expectations of seeing my son 20 years from now. Be strong emotionally for your kids which will give them a stark difference from their alienating parent. If I was to do everything over again I wouldn't have gone to court the second time, it made everything progress faster. The only person you can control is yourself. Set your eyes on the future when your kids are adults. Kids just want to live in peace and will do whatever it takes to get that even abandoning their other parent.

Hang In there mate.. I haven't seen my 2 boys for nearly 3 yrs. I have court orders in place and I entred a relationship and she decided I'm seeing them anymore. I've tried every avenue and now the kids hate me and want nothing to do with me. She has brainwashed them and I have been going round in circles in courts. Money money money is all the lawyers want and nothing gets achieved.. I have now given up after spending thousands and thousands which I can not do anymore.. Good luck mate and don't give up. They will knock on yr door as well as mine and will realize the truth.. Cheers. Steve

I'm in the same boat as you, hang in there. Parental Alienation is grounds for change of custody. If you have a visitation order in court, ask your lawyer to file a contempt for enforcement. Its not up to the kids to reject seeing you. Ask for full custody. Go to their school to visit them. Don't, Don't get mad at them, deep inside they want you to fight for them, they are just brained washed and forced to do this. Hang in there and don't quit. Don't do anything stupid. You should demand the visitation schedule enforced, if you don't have one ask for one immediately. Good luck and be strong.

I am a mother in this situation, it's the hardest thing to bear ever. You might like to see my story - Anyone else lost their child to depression and/or parental alienation syndrome. All I think about all day is my son, I don't know how to move on and it's been eight years now, one year since I saw him last.<br />
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Take care.<br />
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I agree with Firesofhell, I haven't seen my daughter in 2yrs (she went to live with her father & grandfather & go on welfare at age 17), and I was on the verge of suicide. Then I decided to get strong, because she wasn't sitting around crying over me, so why was I gonna end my life when she couldn't have cared less. I too fought the pain and replaced it with anger and then went throught the grieving process (as my shrink says). Finally, with the help of web sites like this, I got to acceptance. The pain is much more bearable now, and it only hurts on Mother's Day. I started enjoying my life again, so much so, that it got back to my daughter and right before Christmas I received a reply to my email stating that she was extremely hurt that my life is going so well w/o her. At first I was thrilled to hear from her, and my replies to her were "butt kissing" but I felt like all she wanted to do was attack me, with all the things her father brainwashed her with. Like I was buying her love, when I offered to take her on a cruise, (he said that because he never worked, that's why I divorced him & he was on welfare now & even put her on it, so he couldn't take her anywhere). She said I was borderline psychotic and that I would kill her if we were alone on a cruise or an island (even though she admitted that I never raised a hand to her in 17yrs). She said many other hurtful things, when I decided its gonna be all or nothing. No more emotional games, its too painful and draining. If she wanted a relationship she had to agree to seeing me and going to therapy. I got a response of "I'll think about it", that was 1 week ago. So, now I just wait...the ball is in her court! I have had enough pain over accusations that were unfounded. And Firsofhell said it best "You are better to them alive in the future than dead in the present". I believe you have to get stronger, remember, you have a life to live too! Especially for the parent of younger children, children grow up and they'll reconsider everything they were told with an adult mind this time and they will contact you again. It's the wait & the not knowing that's so painful! Good luck to all! I pray that things get better for all of us!

Well, you could always shut your kids out and get on with life. It's tough, but if you hold it together and shut out hope of seeing them the pain starts to get bearable. If your real lucky they may seek you, but don't count on it. Your better to them alive in the future than dead in the present.<br />
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It's tough and the things you have to do to cope can be equally as tough. I wrestle the pain, but at least my kids have the choice to get on without me breaking down in front of them.

Is this what I have to look forward too ? I have been alienated from my two beautiful children now for 3 Years. This is the 4th Christmas I have not heard from them. I don't know were they are in Arizona and can't seem to find any help ! I know what you mean about being so depressed its hard to continue another day with out them !

I am in the same situation myself. I have not seen my kids in 4 years now. We had a great relationship all along. It was all fine until she got caught in a five year relationship with a friend of mine. Well that was the time I lost everything. She has accused me of verbal and physical abuse without any proof in court. My attorney claimed he could help me to reunite, but it seems to be all about the money. How much money do you have to fight for your children? I have spent every dime I have now and have still been denide the right to see my kids. How does this happen? These alienators are getting away with murder or worse....

i am in the same situation exatly how i feel as bad as gets for me i still try you will never get back time lost with your kids but for me i still try mail phone text gifts with my colone all get intercepted or wose now be coming common pratce they are 300 miles away as they get older 15 and 18 it seems even further as they get older much as i try nothing can replace time lost with your kids thats what i am finding out but i still try

Why can't you speak to your son, or at least hand him a written letter when you are at his ballgame?<br />
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There are always methods by which to communicate, no matter how fierce your adversary may be. You just need to stay the course and be somewhat creative.

Going through a rough time myself... the world can be such an evil wicked place. I have a son and a daughter who were always very close to me and we spent heathy time together. My focus was always to do the right thing in their best interest. Their mother began a alienation campaing about 8 months ago. I never worried to much because I felt secure in my children's feelings and love towards me as their father and nothing could come between that. I was wrong, my son soon to be 11 has refused to see me with one exception during Christmas break, but even then asked to go back to his mothers after 1 day. He was supposed to be with me for 10 days. I now have learned that my kids have been using their mothers maiden name and she has signed them up for activities to exclude them from our scheduled visitation. She has restricted the phone line so the kids cannot call any of my numbers and she converted them to vegitarians without my knowledge. It's sad when I have researched to find that courts and professional health experts are helpless to do anything after the kids have been alienated. There is a special hell for these parents that alienate. It's worse than murder!

I can so relate to what you are saying regarding your feelings....it has been a year for me too since I lost my daughter to the PA of her so called father...I have had many mornings where I wished that I didn`t wake up at all so I really feel for you.